Bleats

Paul Rudd Is Somehow 50 And The Theories On How He's Achieved Eternal Youth Are Wild

Happy 50th birthday, you beautiful, talented, forever young bastard.

The world is a place filled with many mysteries that we’ve simply haven’t been able to explain, such as Zac Efron suddenly showing us how good of an actor he is or how baby names have gotten increasingly cooked over the last few years.

But the one that continually confounds us every day is Paul Rudd and how he has managed to stumble across the secret to eternal youth. The man is officially 50 now and yet he looks even young than I do at 28 so surely something fishy is going on here.

Just tell us your secret, Paul.

Unsurprisingly, the internet has gone absolutely bonkers trying to figure out the mystery behind Paul’s youthful looks and some of these theories, well, they’re just wild.

So to celebrate the beautiful, talented, and forever young Paul Rudd’s 50th birthday, let’s take a look at all the cooked theories as to how he manages to age even better than a fine red wine because this is a mystery that deserves a proper answer goddammit.

He bathes in the blood of 50 virgins every year

Coined by one of our favourite directors of all time, Edgar Wright, this theory is twisted and yet it makes perfect sense.

The only explanation for Paul’s wrinkle-free skin is that he must use an incredible moisturiser or cream of some kind and what purer substance to slap on your skin than virgin’s blood? I’ve read and seen enough horror and vampire works to know that it’s a thing and it (apparently) works. The only hurdle is gathering up all those virgins but with Paul’s handsome devil looks, I imagine that he’ll have to swat virginal volunteers away with a stick every year.

Possibility of theory being true: at least 80%.

He has a Dorian Gray-style painting stashed somewhere

No one can coast through 50 years completely free of vices so it makes sense that Paul has to have some magical ugly portrait of himself soaking up all his misdeeds in an attic somewhere.

We can’t confirm that this painting of Paul actually exists but we also can’t confirm that it doesn’t exist. So if you want to come join us on an adventure to find his Dorian Gray-style portrait, we’re looking for volunteers.

Possibility of theory being true: around 75 to 90%.

His heart is free of racism and hate

Racism and hate are two things that humanity doesn’t need and yet it still exists, particularly in America these days thanks to the wannabe Combover Caligula currently occupying the White House.

But let’s compare someone without an ounce of hate or racism in their heart (Paul) with someone whose heart is filled with nothing but (Trump ally and noted liar and racist, Stephen Miller).

Holy crap, who would’ve thought living a hate and racism free life would lead to looking younger and happier?

Possibility of theory being true: above 95%.

He sucks the essence out of babies

The Clueless cast may have joked about this recently but do we have any reason to not believe them?

Unlike the virgin blood theory, this one is probably a bit more difficult to pull off as sacrificing babies is a bit more unsavoury than young virgins. That being said, he may have dabbled in this a couple of times and decided there are easier ways of maintaining his eternal youth.

Possibility of theory being true: around 70%.

He’s aging well thanks to a good diet, work-life balance, and regular exercise

Yeah, nah, we don’t believe that. You can’t explain away nearly three decades of looking permanently 26 with diet, exercise, and a good work/life balance. That’s just ridiculous.

Possibility of theory being true: Less than 3%.

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