Bleats

Ranking The Covers Of 'Shallow' By How They Tackle Lady Gaga's Iconic Yell

HAAA AH AH AH AH, AAAH AAAH, AH AH AH AH HAAA

First of all, let’s get this out of the way: the best version of ‘Shallow’ is the one Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper just did at the Oscars, right before they won Best Song for A Star is Born‘s unstoppable hit.

The sheer chemistry on that stage blew basically everything else out of the water. It melted the internet and we all floated away on an ocean of sploosh.

Here it is in full:

For every other version of this song, though, there’s only one moment that matters: the moment before the chorus, about a minute and a half in, where you have to try and do whatever Gaga does with that run of notes:

HAAA AH AH AH AH, AAAH AAAH, AH AH AH AH HAAA

Let’s see how the pros handle it, shall we?

There’s the pure and perfect straight take opted for by Rachel Zegler, AKA Maria in Steven Spielberg’s upcoming West Side Story remake.

She sounds like a Disney princess, but there’s still power behind it – and her control heading into the chorus is *infinite 100 emoji*.

Kelly Clarkson goes for her own mix of croon and belt, but it feels more Cranberries than full diva – but she gets points for absolutely nailing the tricky first note of the chorus.

Nick Jonas: doesn’t even attempt. NO POINTS. POST A FULL COVER, YOU COWARD.

Kate Hudson doesn’t get as far as the HRAAAGH either, although we have total confidence that she could nail it while planking for a full minute, because holy wow:

Alicia Keys crushes the notes in this parody version, of course, but loses points for letting James Corden join in. Not on the actual HRAARGH bit or anything, just in general.

You can barely hear Lea Michele’s vocals in this fan-shot video, but I think she actually puts more notes in?

Ultimately, though, the best version of ‘Shallow’ is the one you do in your shower, your car, or when you’re the last one left in the office – and you can let your power really rip, from the biggest belter notes to the quiet but very horny ones.

Here’s to keeping it hardcore.

The 2019 Oscars Red Carpet Stomped All Over Gender Norms

Suit yourself.

Gowns are great. Suits are great. Those outfits that combine both? Questionable, but you do you, Melissa McCarthy.

It seems we’re entering the era of everybody Doing Them on the Oscars red carpet, whatever that means – including going beyond what men or women are “supposed” to wear to such a major event.

For Jason Momoa, that mean pairing his blush velvet suit with a matching scrunchie.

For Pose‘s Billy Porter, that meant turning up early to set the bar so high not even Jason Momoa could reach it.

And for an unprecedented number of women, it meant PANTS – because dresses are not inherently more fancy than a well-tailored suit.

SPARKLY SUITS.

SIGNATURE LEWKS.

POWER SUITS.

ART DECO SILK POWER SUITS FOR WHEN YOU’RE NOMINATED AGAINST YOURSELF AND HAVE TO BRING IT.

NOT A SUIT AND NOT VERY GOOD OVERALL BUT MELISSA MCCARTHY CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – FEBRUARY 24: Melissa McCarthy attends the 91st Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood and Highland on February 24, 2019 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)

WHITE SUITS.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – FEBRUARY 24: Diane Warren attends the 91st Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood and Highland on February 24, 2019 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

NOT A SUIT BUT ALLISON JANNEY STILL GIVING THE GAYS EVERYTHING THEY WANT!

The Oscars is famously where you’re supposed to go all-out, but it’s not generally known for progressiveness or fashion experiments, give or take a swan dress.

So it’s brilliant to see how many people – especially women and queer men, but even the straight men who are working bright colours and coded tailoring – are bucking tradition.

While the awards themselves still have a little way to go in terms of righting the gender balance, the red carpet is showing the Academy voters just how far behind they are.

Reminder That Nobody Knows Why The Oscars Are Called The Oscars

It's a mystery!

The Oscars is a way catchier name than The Academy Awards – so much so that in 2013 the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences actually just rebranded them as “The Oscars”.

But there are still competing versions of how and who actually started calling the surprisingly heavy little gold dudes by their name.

It’s basically the pop culture history version of the drunken argument about why your friend Alex has the nickname “Gary”.

The most common – and semi-official – story is from 1931, the third year the awards were held: Academy librarian (and future Academy Director) Margaret Herrick said that the statue reminded of her of her Uncle Oscar (actually her cousin, but that’s her private business).

But Sidney Skolsky, the columnist said to have recorded that remark as an affectionate nickname given by Academy employees, later said he coined it himself – in his first column covering the Awards, which was in 1934. He said it was an old vaudeville joke, and he used it to try and take the fancy, famous award-winners down a notch.

Meanwhile, the Walt Disney Company claims that Disney himself was the first person to use it in public, and before that it was an insider-y industry nickname for the statue – and that was during his win for Three Little Pigs in 1934, so Skolsky can’t have coined it the same year if that’s true.

I know, I know. Shocking that people in Hollywood would argue about who gets the credit for something – or obscure the truth for the sake of a good story.

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