Is there a German word for the feeling of sending someone an absolutely cracking nude and getting back a smiley – or even worse, a thumbs-up emoji?
It feels like a terrible betrayal. After all, taking a naked picture is the ultimate act of courage. First, you have to capture your body – your weird, squashy, lumpy human body – permanently on camera. Secondly, you have to work up the courage to release it into the wild. You’re putting all your trust in this other person, the person who is about to see and judge your genitalia! (And hoping they don’t violate that trust.)
How are you supposed to feel when you are met with a smiling moon emoji?
Nudes Are Art
Think of the work that goes into a good selfie. For women, at least this is typically a lot of work. Lighting, angles, a range of expressions – all must be carefully tabulated and fiddled with until you find that Instagram-worthy selfie.
Now imagine how much more work has to go into a nude! You have to make sure your body is being photographed from its most flattering angle. You might have to make sure your face isn’t in the frame, or make sure your vulva isn’t. And how on earth do you take that belfie – that photograph of your butt?
All this preparation means that women can’t just open their phone cameras and fire off a nude while sexting. No. Nudes must be composed, which is why it’s so insulting to get a one-word text in reply. We know we’ve spent exactly 17.5 minutes taking two semi-nudes and 1 topless picture: can’t the recipient spend an extra seconds and throw in an additional sentence?
A list of completely unacceptable responses.
Nudes Are A Gift
If a rich man stopped you on the street and said “Hey, you. I’ve decided I’m going to give you one million dollars”, would you reply “Cool. Can you make it three million?”
No, so why act that way about nudes?
Nudes are onetime gifts from kind people – treat them that way! Don’t beg for them; don’t cajole or coax women to send you nudes. If a woman does send you a nude, be appreciative. Even if she only sends you a picture of one boob. Don’t send her a looking-eyes emoji or “Ooh, can I see the other one?”
There’s nothing quite as irritating as an ungrateful, unenthusiastic response to a gift.
The only response you will get if you don’t treat nudes as the special gift that they are.
Nudes Are Not The Time To Be Casual
Nudes are generally sent in lieu of sex (or as a prelude to it). Women send nudes to their long-distance partners, or to their friend with benefits, or to that guy they just met on Tinder who they haven’t slept with yet. This is why lukewarm responses are insulting – they are taken as an indicator that the other person isn’t particularly keen on having sex with you!
Think about what a nude is actually saying:
Her: Hey, I’m sending you a naked picture of my body, because I want to turn you on.
Him: ?
Shudder. No, there are a lot of times for men to be casual and nonchalant, to play the Chill and Cool Guy. Responding to nudes is not that time.
If you act super disinterested, she might just as well text it to all her girlfriends instead, who are certain to supply the enthusiasm and appreciation you so glaringly lacked.
Incoherence Is Always Acceptable
Did the nude bowl you over? Are you now frantically fanning yourself, while thinking of a cold shower? Was it such a good nude that something short-circuited in your brain, depriving you of the ability to form words? Great! Tell her so.
We’re not saying you have to be cheesy, or to craft Cyrano-level compliments in the praise of the curvature of her bum. If you’re not good with words, that’s fine: no need to tell her how sexy is in detail.
But you do, at the very least, have to respond with ‘F**k.’ Or “Wow.” Or “Holy s**t I’m-I can’t think straight right now.” That is the bare minimum when someone’s got on the bare minimum.
PS – A long series of exclamation marks will do in a pinch.
Unless, of course, you hate nudes and want to ensure that women don’t send you any more.