Bleats

Celebrity Chefs Are Flooding Instagram With Dishes Shaped Like, Uh, Eggplant Emojis

Really taking the R out of croquembouche.

Look, a lot of food is already pretty penis-y.

We use the eggplant emoji to signify dangly bits (except for a friend of mine who uses the crumbed prawn emoji, chillingly) and the peach to celebrate butts.

(Actually, peaches are pretty sexual no matter what you do with them.)

Now we have a bunch of well-known chefs, including Manu Feildel and David Vu from My Kitchen Rules, Fast Ed, and Ainsley Harriott flooding your feed with filthy-looking food.

Just look at this phallic feed from Manu. He calls it a cockembouche.

Manu’s “cockembouche” appears to be a choux pastry baked in a cylinder and injected with some kind of crème – perhaps a sweet treat, but the savoury lettuce garnish hints it’s possibly a salty one.

Here’s a gorgeously plated, frothy feast from chef Monty Koludrovic of Sydney’s Dolphin Hotel – it’s a shellfish stiffed (not a typo) zucchini flower.

And a number of participants, including Fast Eddy, Harriott, and Vu, have gone with a good old ballsy pun.

 

 

All this thirsty hunger is for a good cause. The #RudeFood campaign is an initiative of ANZUP to raise funds and awareness for “below the belt” cancers like bladder, testicular, prostate, penile and kidney.

And look, I’m not saying they’re enjoying this particular good cause too much, although anyone who’s worked in hospo will tell you chefs are not known for their highly refined and highbrow sense of humour.

Look at this especially NSFW entry from one chef with far too much imagination – although I’m sure it’s somebody’s thing.

But honestly, anyone who doesn’t enjoy a good dick joke isn’t someone you want to have a meal with anyway.

All The Ways To Reheat Leftover Pizza, Ranked By Correctness

First step: actually have pizza left over.

Married At First Sight is always a reliable source of full-trainwreck all-caps DRAMA, but there was one detail that was instantly iconic in the first week: Lizzie putting leftover sadness pizza in the toaster after being abandoned by Sam.

Every second viewer seemed to take to the internet with one simple question: is this a thing?

I mean, sure, it’s a hack. But how should one reheat leftover pizza, if you’re not up to the task of finishing a whole one yourself in one sitting like a damn hero?

Worst: Microwave

Microwaved pizza is sadder than no pizza at all. Whether you’re talking cheap and cheerful chains or the fancy wood-fired stuff, microwaving your pizza leaves the crust so rubbery you have to tear and yank at it with your teeth like a lioness trying to hoe into a sinewy chunk of rhino. And what it does to the cheese? Don’t get me started.

You can salvage it a little by popping some paper towel between the plate and the base, but it will still be somehow flaccid and tough at the same time.

Second worst: Not warming it at all

I know some of you froth a cold (or room-temp) pizza.

Acceptable: “Well, it’s been two hours since my last one, and the box is still over there, and OK, fine, I’ll have another.”

Less acceptable: Straight from the fridge, the cheese all clammy and the meat giving off that weird, almost pet-foody smell.

Still better than the microwave, though.

 

Toaster

This one’s for the brave, and the cheap, and the desperate, but it’s not bad at all.

This is not one to bust out with your ugly-delicious woodfired margarita, with fresh sauce and big puddles of white mozzarella. This is for when you have a Tuesday night pickup-price pepperoni in the fridge and a Thursday morning hangover – or you’ve just been dumped on national TV.

Gauge the overall structural integrity of your slice and proceed with caution.

Note:  We are not actively recommending this as it’s probably a fire hazard and we don’t want to get sued, but the internet is full of videos of people warming pizza or even making cheese on toast by popping their dairy-topped carb of choice into a toaster tipped on its side, cheese side up, and watching carefully for the pop-up so it doesn’t go flying across the counter.

 

Oven

Look, this is fine. A higher heat for a shorter time will help with not drying it out, and give you crispier edges – heat it to at least 180, but not higher than 200 or you risk burning it. Especially if you’re feeling hungover and vague.

Straight onto the rack is best for a crisp base (but put foil underneath to catch cheese or sauce drips). If it’s a bit of a messy one, then a perforated pizza pan, a folded bit of alfoil with lots of holes poked in it will do in a pinch.

 

Second best: Frying pan

Hot surface. Rubberiness-free base. It’s that simple.

You can go in dry, if you want, but there’s a better way: a small splash of water (like, run your hand under a tap and flick it into the pan), turn it up to medium heat, cover with a lid or foil, let it warm slowly, then uncover to evaporate excess moisture and crisp up the base.

Fiddly? Sure. But it makes you feel almost like you’re actually Cooking, instead of just having heated-up takeaway for the third meal in a row.

 

Best: Sandwich press

Some of the other techniques have extra steps that gets your ‘za as close as possible to straight-from-the-oven fresh. But the sandwich press wins on both taste and convenience.

Presses are easy to use, (should be) super easy to clean with their non-stick surfaces, and can heat both sides of your slice for optimal texture.

The trick is to prop open the press with a jar or can (something heatproof, in case of cooking surface contact) so that the top plate is 1-3cm above the toppings. This is close enough to heat the toppings all the way through, but also to keep the steam close to them so they don’t dry out – and of course, the bottom stays crispy thanks to direct contact with the plate.

(Some kinds of pizza, like a basic pepperoni or anything with feta, will actually do quite well if you put the top plate right down on it.)

This is the correct ranking and no correspondence will be entered into. Good day, and happy eating.

Sorry, But "Taste Testing" Grapes In The Supermarket Is Technically Stealing

Pondering the important questions.

Don’t lie: we’ve all done it.

Whether you’re actually planning to buy grapes or not, we’ve all popped one off the bunch to have a taste. It’s like kicking a dropped ice cube under the fridge, or farting and blaming it on the dog: you know it’s not 100% kosher, but it’s a victimless crime, right?

The Simpsons asked us to consider this question way back in season 2: a sanctimonious, pre-Buddhism Lisa gets very worked up over Marge “stealing” grapes in the store, but the cashier is exasperated at having to price check two measly grapes.

It’s two grapes – it’s not like you’re cracking open a bottle of Lite White in the dairy aisle and chugging it before walking out with a milk moustache, right?

On the other hand, it’s… actually kind of exactly like that. You’re eating something you haven’t paid for.

In an attempt to settle this once and for all, GOAT approached the major supermarkets to ask for their taste-testing policies.

Is it technically stealing? How many would be acceptable? Is it fine for grapes, but not so much for berries?

Coles declined to comment, and IGA, Harris Farm Markets and Woolworths did not respond.

A spokesperson for ALDI, however, had bad news for testers.

Our fresh fruit and vegetables are so well priced, they’re already a steal! While our grapes might look too juicy to resist, unfortunately any form of taste testing before purchase is considered theft and not something we allow in store.

Whether the other chains’ silence can be taken as tacit approval of taste-testing or they were just too busy to help us with the greatest moral quandary of the modern era, we may never know.

Maybe the real question isn’t whether it’s wrong – it’s whether eating unwashed fruit that’s been touched by who knows how many other grape-tasters is actually disgusting.

 

(Yes. Yes it is.)

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