Over the weekend the world’s new favourite dreamboat Noah Centineo talked about his sudden fame and the uncomfortable attention that comes with it while appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
The 22-year-old star of Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and Sierra Burgess is a Loser (and, uh, SPF-18) shared a story about a few fans following him around and basically, he’s asked if we could kindly please not stalk him?
This seems fair.
Besides the fact that following someone around is a hugely inappropriate invasion of privacy that is never OK, it is also clearly not the way to go about dating a famous person, according to every fanfiction ever written. C’mon team! Do your homework!
To get a happily-ever-after with your celebrity crush, all you need to do is follow the foolproof methods mapped out by the many, informative fanfic canons across the internet. Some might call these cliché tropes, but we know at heart the fanfics speak the truth.
So in case you find yourself caught up in the delusion that stalking is a good idea, here is a basic brush-up on Fanfiction Dating Strategies 101.
https://twitter.com/iatemuggles/status/356934696808087552
Rule #1: You Must Not Appear To Recognise [Insert Famous Person]
This is an easy one. Your refreshing ignorance will get you into their hearts (and in most fanfics, their pants) within days. Sometimes mere minutes!
#dumbfanfictionmoments When the main character doesn't know who One Direction are but 4 chapters later she is having sex with one of them.
— ☆lucy☆ (@hazzacatsworld) November 12, 2012
So if you, by chance, run into Noah Centineo, blank him. For all intents and purposes you are an simple civilian who lives under a literal rock and has never heard of this thing called ‘the internet’ let alone Netflix.
He’ll love it! Ask him his name then immediately forget it! Call him Ned! According to our source texts, this is guaranteed to make them hard fall for you.
Rule #2: Have A Near Death Experience Adjacent To Them
Don’t just be another fan, be a damsel in distress. Fans blur together, but you know what’s much more memorable? Throwing yourself in front of a bus! If attempting to replicate this strategy, perhaps don’t approach it in a you’re-actually-at-risk-of-dying way, so much as a just-enough-danger-to-let-them-save-you-wink-wink way.
Every good fanfic knows that giving someone the opportunity to be your knight in shining armour is how to get the sparks flying. So throw caution to the wind! Go into anaphylactic shock and hand them your EpiPen! Become suddenly ‘unconscious’! Whatever you decide – go big or go home (alone).
#DumbFanficMoments *first chapter*lets go on a date *second chapter* I love you *third chapter* lets have sex *four chapter* pregnant at 16
— ?? (@cyphergodline) August 19, 2013
Rule #3: Have A Well-Connected Relative
This one might take some work to emulate but it can be done. Your uncle might need to drop his current job to break into the artist management industry but just tell him that sometimes love takes sacrifice.
Next thing you know he’s managing One Direction or whichever celebrity crush of your choosing and you’re shacked up with them for the summer at just the age of 16! What a crazy life you’re living! Before you know it you are said celebrity’s girlfriend and you’re facing a pregnancy scare. Winning!
Rule #4: Meet Them In A Coffee Shop
#Dumbfanficmoments hi i met you in a coffee shop lets go to my house and bang
.
wow that escalated quickly— ????? (@alanarose___) July 1, 2013
I don’t know exactly how this strategy works, all I know is that it does. There must be something magical about coffee shops that turns random encounters with celebrities into sexually-charged lust-fests. It happens all the time in fanfiction so I guess just go hang out in an LA Starbucks until you have your opportunity.
Rule #5: Be Half-Dressed ~Accidentally~
Ah yes, accidental semi-nudity – a classic. You know in Netflix’s fanfic-adapted romcom The Kissing Booth how Joey King’s character keeps on getting into situations where she’s semi-undressed in the presence of her crush (and sometimes a whole lot of other people)?
Well, that is not just because the people writing these fanfics are usually horny, hormonal teens who are indulging a newly-discovered desire for sexual attention – it’s also because random nudity is totally the way to someone’s heart! I think?
Might need to double-check this one actually, so for now just go with the level of skin that both you and the local law enforcement are comfortable with.
Rule #6: Be Their Long-Lost Childhood Friend
Bonus points if you made a pact when you were infants that you would one day get married!
#dumbfanfictionmoments there's a flashback to when the two former best friends make the silly promise to marry one another in the future.
— WATTPAD FAN FIC (@DumbFF_Moments) December 28, 2012
Rule #7: Become Their Most-Hated Mortal Enemy
If I’ve learned one thing from fanfiction it’s that there’s nothing like a healthy dose of hatred to get the sexual chemistry flowing.
So get mean. Tell them you hate their hair. That they’re not as good-looking in person. Bare your teeth at them. Growl when they come near.
Once you’ve established yourself as their enemy you’re just a hop, skip and a jump away from lover-town.
It’s called a plot line look it up.
"our tounges fought for dominance" #dumbfanficmoments pic.twitter.com/8RQRseQBzi
— lily (@meltednjh) May 29, 2014
So don’t stalk celebrities! It’s not nice!
Just follow the strategies clearly laid out in your fanfiction guidebooks and your tongues should be fighting for dominance in no time.