A tiny river island near Eildon, Victoria has been taken over by the Commonwealth of New Zealand, after six New Zealanders claimed the island as their own, the New Zealand Herald reports.
In a humiliating blow to all of Australia, friends Nicholas Fausch, Jeremy Shanks, Liana Clark, Lucy McRae, Tanika Brown and Jacob Real launched the project to take over the small island primarily out of ‘boredom’.
What we imagine is going on on the island right now.
“Access to the island is a bit dodgy because of these undercurrents, but we braved them and overcame adversity and were able to claim the island,” Jeremy Shanks said. He and his crew have named their new Kiwi territory New New Zealand Island.
Firstly, let’s recognise that – much like the rest of Australia – the tiny island these New Zealanders have “claimed” was never their or ours, to begin with. The land rights rightfully belong to the local Indigenous people, and voiding that, even as a joke about our Trans-Tasman rivalry, is more than a little bit iffy.
That said, if and only if they really want to take ownership of a small part of Australia for Kiwi rule, I propose a trade: The island for New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.
So cool.
Look, it works out for everyone: New Zealand gains yet another conquest over Australia, of which they had many, and we get a much much better Prime Minister than the dude we currently have. One who, by the way, doesn’t even need to try to be cool. She just is.
And look, you still have Lorde, The Flight Of The Conchords, and Taika Watiti, among many, many others. You’re still jam-packed with cool people, some of whom (we hope) have enough political acumen to lead your nation.
Also happening on the island.
So Jeremy Shanks, et al, those are our conditions. Your Prime Minister for the island. You have 24 hours to respond.
The ball’s in your court.