Bleats

The New Year's Resolutions You'll Break In 2019, Ranked

But don't let this curb your aspirational fantasy play, Australia!

It’s the time of year where typically we start to slow down, enjoy the headspace that comes with a bit of time off work, and maybe take a moment to do a bit of taking stock with regards your life and future.

And, we assume, that means wondering which of your well-meaning New Years resolutions you’re going to abandon firs.

At least we know someone who won’t give up.

And we here at GOAT are happy to help you with this little bit of important expectations management, drawing on the list of planned resolutions that US citizens put as their hopes and dreams at a YouGov poll.

So yes, the data is from the other side of the world, but it’s unlikely that Australians have wildly different and/or kangaroo-themed resolutions that would overpower these ones.

I mean, we do: to be clear, GOAT’s all-kangaroo dance troupe is going to be the smash hit of 2019, but that’s not a resolution: that’s a PROMISE. As soon as certain laws are changed, and perhaps some social norms as well.

“No no no, it’s left right, left right, kick ball twist!”

And one thing which you’ll notice when you look at the desperate, never-to-be-fulfilled hopes of people it’s that most people’s greatest dreams can be summed up “I wish I had more time for stuff” with a rider of “I wish I could afford stuff”. So here’s hoping you get some time and money under the tree at Christmas, otherwise this whole process is basically just psychically slapping yourself.

So what are you going to not improve in 2019? Let’s look at the top ten!

1. Eat better
2. Exercise more
These are the perennial big two and could really be rolled into the one “be less fat” goal. Of course, eating better requires being able to meal plan and have time to cook, and exercise more requires having time to, you know, exercise more. You got that sort of time on the reg? Just get up earlier and go to bed later. Simple!

3. Save money
Given wage growth in Australia has remained flat for years while most prices have marched merrily on, and budgets are only finitely malleable, this one could be rephrased as “commit more crimes”. They pay, you know.

4. Lose weight
Yes, goals 1 and 2, we get it. Slow your roll. Jesus.

5. Reduce stress
Of course, the best way to do that is probably not to pick the most stressful time of year to burden yourself with unreasonable expectations, but hey – why not pressure yourself about not reducing pressure? That’ll work!

6. Stick to a budget
See goal 3.

7. Get more sleep
You got that sort of time on the reg? Just don’t get up earlier or go to bed later to facilitate exercising or meal prep. Simple!

8. Spend more time with family
Of course, if family q-time was a priority, why are you filling in government surveys online instead of kite surfing with the kids? Also, wasn’t “reducing stress” on this list? I mean, family is great and all, but… more time?

9. Learn a new skill
There’s a reason why most totally sick guitarists developed their mad axe-shredding skillz when they were 14 and no-one understood them but Metallica: learning a new skill requires a huge amount of time and only teenage metalheads have the uninterrupted hours necessary to do it. If you haven’t got time for basic sleep or to go for a run, you sure as hell don’t have time to master card tricks or become a crack knife thrower.

10. Travel more
See the above thing about time and money. Mind you, this was an American poll: you can understand why they’d be keen to find ways to get the hell out.

Still, we’re sure that next year is the one which CHANGES EVERYTHING. Right? Let us know how that works out – and happy new year!

Let’s do this all again at around the same time next year, huh team?

Bunnings Brings In Buy-Now-Pay-Later, Perfect For Everyone Who Never Ever Finishes A DIY Project

Oh, just think of all the ambitious intentions you can optimistically buy!

Part of becoming an adult is developing a creepy obsession with hardware and outdoor living behemoth Bunnings, that giant shed whose slogan – “Where Lower Prices Are Just The Beginning…” – seems to contain an implied threat. What comes next, Bunnings? WHAT COMES NEXT???

And if you’ve found spending your current money at Bunnings to be insufficiently exhilarating, be advised that now you can spend your future money there too!

They’ve partnered with Openpay to allow you, the hardware enthusiast, to spend up to 18 months paying off your purchases. And that is going to be a terrifying dose of catnip to renovators who will be piling out with trolleys a-laden and finish paying off said purchase while that kit wardrobe is still sitting in its box.

In any case: now that Future Us is footing the bills, we now have to pop out to Bunnings and stock up on BBQs, thereby allowing us to have our own sausage sizzle in any carpark we want.

Taco Bell Is Coming To Australia Because It’s Not Like We Don’t Have Enough Fast Food Options

Maybe it'll shut up everyone who's been the US and complained about how we don't have Taco Bell here, though.

For all those who complain about the American cultural hegemony of the West, it’s perhaps remarkable that there are major fast food chains which don’t exist in Australia.

Taco Bell, for example, has hitherto existed as a single outlet in Brisbane which has proved an insurmountable commute for most of the country. But that’s about to change – at least for folks in Sydney and Canberra who are supposedly getting 60 restaurants rolling out over the next few years.

Now we’ll FINALLY understand these references!

Of course, it’s worth adding that Taco Bell attempted to colonise the Australian snackscape before during the eighties and nineties and, as you have doubtless noticed, that didn’t exactly take off.

Also, these days there are several established competitors for the dollaridoos of the local Tex-Mex eathusiast. Guzman & Gomez, for example, and Mad Mex.

Sp the question remains: will the down under rollout of Taco Bell triumph as the new McDonalds, or will it wither as the new Starbucks?

Also, who feels like Mexican for lunch? Everyone?

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