Toilet habits say a lot about a person.
If you only need a couple of minutes to get it done, you’re the no-nonsense-type.
If you’re the person who needs their phone, a magazine, some mood music and 45 minutes to finish the job, then you’re what I would call high maintenance.
And if you can poop on demand then you probably need to see a medical professional because, I don’t care what you say, that kind of bowel-brain connection is not normal (@ every boyfriend everywhere).
Jury’s still out on this one.
If you’ve made it this far and you’re still reading, you probably share my sentiments. You’re also probably thinking “what the hell does Christina Applegate have to do with toilets?”.
I’m getting to that.
Picture this: me, sitting in my lounge room, ten minutes into the first episode of Netflix’s new show Dead To Me and quite enjoying it. It’s only been out for a month and I’d heard really good things so I decided to give it a crack.
It’s hilariously morbid and definitely worth the watch, just FYI.
Anyway, there I am enjoying the episode, trying not to sob when Jen’s (Christina Applegate) son tells her he doesn’t want her to be alone at work because he knows she’s sad (for context: her husband died in a ‘freak’ hit and run accident).
The clip cuts to Christina Applegate sobbing on the toilet and my sadness quickly become morbid relatability which quickly becomes complete horror.
I present you with how Christina Applegate wipes herself after going to the toilet:
Wait…what is she…NO.
In from the front.
You know how I said people who can poop on demand have problems? Well this is a whole new level of disturbing.
People who wipe from the front are just asking for an infection. Hygienically, it’s a nightmare.
Not to mention it makes even less sense in this situation because she has a pillow on her lap. She has to LIFT the pillow to get in from the front instead of just going in from the back like a normal person (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER).
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.
Watching the scene it’s all I could focus on and now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s haunted me more than the plot twist at the end of the episode and that’s saying something.
There was only one consoling detail in it all: Christina Applegate is a scruncher, not a folder. That, I can appreciate.