Bleats

The Best Shows You Should Catch Up On, According To How Much Time Off You Still Have Left

Because doing things is overrated.

So you’ve watched all the festive movies, gorged yourself on the cricket and even found yourself accidentally gazing slack-jawed at the Queen’s Christmas message.

Plus, it’s hot as balls.

So what do you have time to binge in the remaining [insert number of leave days here] before you have to drag your sweaty butt back to the cracker factory?

However many days you have left, here’s a list of shows you can vacuum up into your summer-and-wine-and-leftover-ham-fried brain while you eat zooper doopers in front of an oscillating fan in however much time you have left.

sweaty vagina

These are calculated (with the help of BingeClock) using a rough 9-5 schedule – seven hours of viewing time, same as you might spend in the office during a normal workday. It also lets you get up and make lunch or do some laundry for an hour or so at some point, and allows you to peel yourself off the couch, shower, and head out to see some friends in the evening.

Of course, it also works for 9pm to 5am if you’re into that, or got a slab of Red Bull from your dodgiest cousin for Christmas.

One day

Something British, obviously.

There are only 13 episodes of Fawlty Towers, and they’re all on Stan.

Surprisingly wonderful romcom series Lovesick (which used to be called Scrotal Recall, which is probably why you haven’t watched it because ugh) is on Netflix, and is a perfect hangover binge: gentle, funny, real, and full of good smoochin’.

But if you’ve watched and rewatched nine seasons of the US version of The Office, perhaps it’s worth taking a look at the original. It doesn’t have the essential sweetness of the NBC remake, but it’s a great reminder of when Ricky Gervais actually wrote good comedy instead of being an edgelord with fake teeth.

It’ll take you seven hours start to finish, and that’s WITHOUT skipping the opening credits.

 

Two days

If you have two days to kill but don’t like shows that star Kristen Bell and feature Adam Scott in a recurring guest role, or vice versa, then I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Nobody can help you.

If you DO like those things, great! Party Down is a cult classic that about fourteen people watched at the time it aired (about ten years ago), and if you’ve ever worked in hospitality and/or anything that’s Just Your Day Job while you wait to Make It, it’ll resonate. There are 20 episodes on Stan, and it’s perfect.

Alternately, you can catch up on one of the latest shows that everyone’s obsessed with: The Good Place. The surprisingly wholesome, insanely clever afterlife sitcom is on hiatus, with three more episodes due in January to close out its third season, and catching up on Netflix now means you’ll get to watch the very latest ep “Janet(s)”, which is possibly the single best episode of TV from this entire year.

Stranger Things is also a neat two-full-day Netflix binge – but come on, who hasn’t watched it yet?

 

Three days

With a mysterious, possibly interactive movie-length episode of Black Mirror about to drop on Netflix, there’s never been a better time to catch up on the anthology show’s unique brand of existentially horrifying techno-cynicism (and occasional sweetness) – especially if one of your New Year’s resolutions is to use your phone less.

I mean, you might never want to leave your house again after 17 hours of watching all the creative ways technology can f**k you up, but at least you’ll have more time to catch up on all this great TV.

If you want something a little more uplifting, go with Please Like Me on Netflix – the sweet, aching Australian series that will win over even the wariest of “I just find that Josh Thomas guy kind of annoying” people. It has its bleak moments, but it also has perfect writing, and Hannah Gadsby.

 

Four days

The Handmaid’s Tale, all 23 hours of which is on SBS On Demand, is a perfect way to prepare for 2019’s inevitable misogynist f**kery. However, I cannot in good conscience recommend you watch it for four straight days without breaking it up with some Party Down (see Two days, above) – or without a buddy.

 

Five days

Congrats! You have exactly the right amount to time to catch up on our decade’s increasingly bonkers entry in the hallowed tradition of shows that make you go: wait, these are supposed to be teenagers, right?

That’s right, it’s Riverdale time.

That way you’ll be all up to date for the Bizarrodale and noir episodes. Because you’re going to have feelings about those.

 

Six days

If you’ve never quite glommed on to Brooklyn 99, now is actually the perfect time. With the newest season coming back in the US on January 10, you can hop on Netflix and catch up on roughly one season a day between now and then, and still have time to hit the beach a couple of times.

 

Seven days

Congrats! You have the perfect amount of time to get caught up on Outlander – the biggest, horniest, bloodiest, most expensivest time travel show going. The first three seasons are on Netflix, and the current season is airing on Foxtel.

 

Eight

If you want to ruin your own life in the best way, get amongst Friday Night Lights on your eight days off. The best news is that season 2 kind of sucks a lot of the time, so you can totally do something else while you slog through that Landry and Tyra plotline towards some more of the best TV ever made – and a young Michael B Jordan.

And if you need something lighter, make sure you’re not sleeping on New Girl, which quietly went from an annoying Zooey Deschanel vehicle to the best hangout sitcom on TV, and finally wrapped up this year. Get amongst it, you bird-shirted puzzle babies.

Nine days

Are you kidding? I’m not going to enable you any more. Read a damn book. Rest your eyes. There’s a whole new year of Peak TV coming.

Go play outside. Seriously.

Netflix Has Officially Locked In The To All The Boys Sequel, So Please Enjoy Lana And Noah's Whoa-Whoa-Whoa-Worthy Announcement Video

The least surprising, most adorable sequel announcement ever.

It’s not like we didn’t know that To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before was getting a sequel. Not only was it one of Netflix’s most watched pieces of content all year and a full-on cultural phenomenon, but hey, there are three books.

It was sort of officially announced last month, and this morning Lana Condor helped make it OFFICIALLY official with a fully adorable announcement video.

It’s got everything: she’s writing in her diary, she’s FaceTiming with Noah Centineo about how excited they are about their “little secret” (a blatant and rude tease to the Lana-Noah IRL shippers), he says “whoa whoa whoa”…

And then she takes a mystery call from a mystery gentleman, who she squeals “will make the perfect John Ambrose!”

Yes, it seems they’ve recast John Ambrose MacLaren, the Model UN cutie and fifth letter recipient who showed up on the Coveys’ doorstep at the end of the first film, and creates a bit of a love triangle in Jenny Han’s next two Lara Jean books.

Looks like this poor dude’s getting rejected twice.

It’ll be interesting to see how far returning screenwriter Sofia Alvarez will stray from the source material – it’s possible everyone, especially the Peter Kavinsky fans, will be getting their hearts broken.

The Tidelands Cast Deserve All The Acting Awards For Nailing Everything From Junk-Crushing Sex Scenes To Pickup Lines That Kinda Suck

It's hard work being magically horny, you guys.

There’s a scene in the first episode of Tidelands, the first Netflix Original that’s also an Australian production, that tells you exactly what kind of show it’s going to be.

Adrielle (Elsa Pataky) has come to visit Augie (Aaron Jakubenko), the super ripped brother of our ex-con protagonist Calliope, apparently for a late night booty call. She tears off his pants, settles onto him, and you think he’s having a good time – but no, he is having a bad, BAD time.

“You’re crushing me,” he grits out.

She smirks.

“I’m strong.”

Yes, this is a show set in an Aussie beach town where the scary, mysterious hotties are not anti-vaccination Instagram mums but a community of sirens called the Tidelanders.

It’s exactly as ridiculous and fun and horny as it sounds, and the cast know it.

“That was just a wild scene,” says Jakubenko. “And of course Elsa’s just an incredible professional, so that makes it a much funner collaboration – you get fo focus on the craft and the things that matter.

“The scene is wild and sexy as it is, but it’s also important, because it also sets up the difference between the humans and the Tidelanders. We see that superhuman strength that she has.”

Of course, supernaturally powerful dick-crushing Kegels aren’t real, so Jakubenko had to do the work of sweating and popping his forehead veins IRL.

“It was crazy! It was a lot of work, I was exhausted – being crushed is not something you wanna get into.”

Meanwhile, Brazilian actor Marco Pigossi plays Dylan, a smouldering Tidelander who has to deliver what might be the most gloriously laboured come-on on TV this year.

I won’t spoil it, but it involves a set-up about mosquitoes and a payoff about “sucking”, and there are f**bois on Tinder who would be ashamed of it.

When GOAT asked Pigossi about the line, he made this face:

That’s the show’s star Charlotte Best, who plays Calliope, doubled over next to him, cackling.

 

“It’s so bad!” Best hoots.

“I have heard I am the best actor of saying the worst lines,” Pigossi says proudly. “And that was a big compliment, because I am from soap operas. And when I read that [line in the script] I was like ‘OK, this is my biggest challenge!’”

“It worked on me,” says Best with a smirk, before correcting herself: “Cal! It works on Cal.”

But Pigossi says a line like that is actually a way of pushing the spaces where the Tidelanders’ behaviours and motivations differ from those of the mere mortal characters.

“In these lines is where you find, actually, some layers for the character, and how they play with this sexuality – they’re so free,” he says. “They don’t have these social boundaries that we have.”

If the Oscars can consider a Best Popular Film statue, surely the AACTAs can add a category for Achievement In Magical Sea Horniness.

The premiere season of Tidelands is streaming in full on Netflix now. 

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