Bleats

Netflix's Next Movie Is The Epic Cinematic Crossover That Will Do The Impossible: Please Everyone

Marvel could never save the world like this.

Question: what combines the best bit from Crazy Rich Asians, Moulin Rouge, Mama Mia, The Devil Wears Prada, Big Little Lies, The Late Late Show, Ariana Grande’s latest album and Glee

Ryan Murphy’s new film, that’s what. 

It sounds like a hot mess when I put it like that^ but I’m almost certain it will be a cinematic masterpiece. The film takes Tony-nominated stage musical The Prom from the stage to the screen with a stellar cast who have starred in at least one of the above movies. 

Meryl Streep will star alongside Awkwafina, Nicole Kidman, James Corden and Ariana Grande. No biggie. 

For the uncultured among you who scrunch your nose at the thought of a musical I have four words for you: Zac Efron in Hairspray. If Zac thinks musicals are cool then they’re damn cool. If you won’t trust me maybe you’ll trust those baby blue eyes and biceps the expert. 

Listen to Zac. Source: Giphy

According to reports, the musical movie is set to start filming in December for a fall 2020 release in cinemas and on Netflix.

The basic plot of The Prom is as follows:  

Four Broadway actors past their prime travel to the fictional conservative town of Edgewater, Indiana, after reading about a lesbian student who was not allowed to bring her girlfriend to high school prom. They want to help, but mostly they want to soak up the good press and be relevant again.

The four oldies will be played by Meryl (AKA The Queen), James, Nicole, and voice and stage actor Andrew Rannells. 

Awkwafina will play the group’s publicist which is honestly inspired casting. Imagine Awkwafina trying to manage your life? It would be one hilarious, colourful, slightly unhinged mess. 

The lesbian student is yet to be cast but I have my vote on Tessa Thompson or Brie Larson- someone from the  Marvel universe because that seems to be the only fandom this movie hasn’t tapped into and it would be a shame to miss the opportunity. 

You heard it heard first, friends. Source: Giphy

Because the casting isn’t good enough, Ariana won’t just star in the film she’s also set to produce the soundtrack. 

Basically, this movie is going to be cinematic perfection. 

Could this be the film that finally does the impossible? Could this be the one that appeals to everyone? 

It has star power and brings the best bits from a range of movies:  a world of knowledge and skill with Meryl, a little bit of sizzle thanks to Nicole, good humour from the genius that is Akwafina, bad humour in James, and absolute beauty in Ariana. 

The only people that might not enjoy it are musical haters but they’re not the kind of people i want in my life anyway. 

Like I said, four words: Zac Efron in Hairspray

Holiday Fails Make The Best Travel Stories, So Please Enjoy These Painfully Hilarious Yarns

Getaway, wait no, I mean get away.

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Holidays are one of the only things in life that are good in theory AND practice. What’s not to love about sipping on a cocktail while sailing along the Italian/Indonesian/French/*insert desired destination here* coast?

Just because they’re a good time doesn’t mean holidays are fool proof.

FYI: we are the fools.

Try as we might to plan the perfect trip, we’ve all found ourselves on the other side of the world in a sticky situation.

Like the time me and my best friend booked a Bastille Day cruise in Paris, left our hotel room two hours early to make it there on time, but somehow still ended up hitting ten roadblocks, getting on two wrong trains, sprinting through the streets, and missing the cruise we paid good money for.

Me while watching the cruise sail away.

During the same trip, we also had to rebook an interconnecting flight to Spain while on the way to the airport because we hadn’t left ourselves enough time to get through customs.

Ten days later we missed another flight so had to fork out even more $$$.

I swear I am.

It’s laughable now but at the time I had more of a hysterical reaction. Somewhere between being amused, angry and on the verge of a total nervous break down all at once.

In my experience, when you find yourself in an overseas disasters two things get you through: European bread and your travel buddy. Netflix’s new film, Murder Mystery, proves just how important the latter is.

You don’t want to find yourself in the middle of an international murder investigation without your best, most reliable, most resourceful, most hilarious pal. Luckily for Jenifer Aniston and Adam Sandler, they have each other.

Murder Mystery is a modern-day whodunit which proves just how wrong a good holiday can go.

Most people don’t find themselves framed for the murder of an elderly billionaire when overseas (see: the trailer above), but there are still some intense travel stories out there.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s nice to know other people in the world have shot themselves in the foot (metaphorically; don’t go hurting your feet) while travelling and have equally painfully hilarious stories to tell.

So in a selfish attempt to feel better about myself- and to hopefully provide you with some comfort- I asked around to find the worst of the worst travel stories.

Buckle in and prepare for some turbulence friends (travel joke. Classic):

“Does going out the night before my 6am flight to NYC, getting back to my hotel at 4am, forgetting my key so having to take my drunk ass to reception for them to let me in, having to leave the hotel at 4:30am but hadn’t packed my bag finally got to the airport got on board the flight and was vomiting the whole time count? SO DISGUSTING.”

SO nasty.

“My cousin was pissing me off so much when we went to Europe together. Long story short. She jumped off a rock face into the ocean and bruised her tail bone so bad she couldn’t sit for 2 weeks. I died.”

Well, you know what they say about karma.

Me watching my frenemies get what’s coming to them.

Friendly reminder: travel insurance is important.

“I went to Portugal with my mate for a week’s holiday in the sun. The last night we were there I had a lovely fish dinner, except it didn’t turn out so lovely. It turned into the worst food poisoning ever! So I spent the whole flight on the toilet and I have never clenched so hard going through customs and have never been so excited to see the public toilet by the baggage carousel before in my life.”

Holding on for dear life.

This one I understand COMPLETELY:

“We missed a conference and an all-star afterparty because the front yard of our AirBnb in LA was full of woodland creatures including a possum, a raccoon, a coyote and some gross big bird.”

And this one is honestly my worst nightmare:

“My suitcase broke and we were absolutely so broke and couldn’t afford another one so we shoved everything we had into one suitcase and our two backpacks but we had to leave so many things in a hotel room.”

I REFUSE TO PART WITH THE THREE JACKETS, TWO CHARGER CORDS AND USELESS SOUVENIRS I BOUGHT THANK YOU.

On another note…Mexico:

“In Mexico I was in the old Cancun and a guy was running after me slapping my butt. Also in Mexico I ended up on an island where locals dropped us off saying nothing and leaving us there, I was alone with a friend, we didn’t know what was happening there were no one, we spent the night there with 1 bottle of water and a pack of Oreo to survive sleeping in hammocks (we had a satellite phone).”

Real life Cast Away.

“Arrived in Barcelona with 57 euro after having 5000 Euro stolen off me in a Madrid hostel – turns out I’d misunderstood the rules of my pre-paid travel cards and left the pin right next to the spare card, which was then fleeced by my roommate. Was crying in the street and got comforted by a completely naked old man with only tattooed speedos on – turns out he’s quite well known on Las Ramblas. It was…a day.”

As a female travelling for a long period of time, the struggle is real. SO REAL.

“Could not find a Brazilian waxer in Vienna right before I left for a sailing trip around Croatia so had to do it myself in a hostel bathroom. Did a TERRIBLE job. Broke a toilet paper dispenser right off the wall, gave myself blood blisters, and all in all had such a horrible time I had to give up half way through. Cue me rocking a very strange half’n’half look for the entire week on the boat in my new high cut one piece.”

Speaking of your own body betraying you, this one’s a doozy:

“I was backpacking in India years ago with a few friends and decided to hire scooters for the lols. It was hot so I decided to just go shirtless for the day. I was pulled over by cops who said it was in violation of some law. They said I had to rock up to court in a couple of days BUT they can make it go away if I gave them a lil “something something”. And that’s how I ended up having to bribe some cops while in India to get out of trouble. I kept my shirt on for the rest of the trip.”

Murder Mystery starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is on Netflix from June 14.

The Most Disturbing Part Of Dead To Me Is Christina Applegate's Toilet Habits

Get flushed.

Toilet habits say a lot about a person.

If you only need a couple of minutes to get it done, you’re the no-nonsense-type.

If you’re the person who needs their phone, a magazine, some mood music and 45 minutes to finish the job, then you’re what I would call high maintenance.

And if you can poop on demand then you probably need to see a medical professional because, I don’t care what you say, that kind of bowel-brain connection is not normal (@ every boyfriend everywhere).

Jury’s still out on this one.

If you’ve made it this far and you’re still reading, you probably share my sentiments. You’re also probably thinking “what the hell does Christina Applegate have to do with toilets?”.

I’m getting to that.

Picture this: me, sitting in my lounge room, ten minutes into the first episode of Netflix’s new show Dead To Me and quite enjoying it. It’s only been out for a month and I’d heard really good things so I decided to give it a crack.

It’s hilariously morbid and definitely worth the watch, just FYI.

Anyway, there I am enjoying the episode, trying not to sob when Jen’s (Christina Applegate) son tells her he doesn’t want her to be alone at work because he knows she’s sad (for context: her husband died in a ‘freak’ hit and run accident).

The clip cuts to Christina Applegate sobbing on the toilet and my sadness quickly become morbid relatability which quickly becomes complete horror.

I present you with how Christina Applegate wipes herself after going to the toilet:

Wait…what is she…NO.

In from the front.

You know how I said people who can poop on demand have problems? Well this is a whole new level of disturbing.

People who wipe from the front are just asking for an infection. Hygienically, it’s a nightmare.

Not to mention it makes even less sense in this situation because she has a pillow on her lap. She has to LIFT the pillow to get in from the front instead of just going in from the back like a normal person (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER).

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.

Watching the scene it’s all I could focus on and now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s haunted me more than the plot twist at the end of the episode and that’s saying something.

There was only one consoling detail in it all: Christina Applegate is a scruncher, not a folder. That, I can appreciate.

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