Bleats

You Should Experience Baker Boy Turning Hickory Dickory Dock Into A Goddamn Hip Hop Jam

Mizzle in the hizzle!

Look, we’re the first to admit that Hickory Dickory Dock doesn’t exactly slap. The narrative is weak, the melody simple, and modern audiences are more used to checking time on their phones than via vermin-infested timepieces.

And thus we salute Baker Boy, who took to Playschool for NAIDOC Week and gave a masterclass in nursery rhyme improvement.

From now on all children’s entertainment should feature a dance break and some rhymes in language, thanks.

Hottest 100 voters, take note.

Star Wars Is Very Different And Much Funnier When You Hear Darth Vader's Real Accent

"I find your lack of regional British accent disturbing."

Star Wars could have been – and very nearly was – incredibly silly.

The original cut was such a disaster that George Lucas’ pal Francis Ford Coppola allegedly offered to pay Lucas to abandon it, and all the actors thought they were in the midst of an absolute turkey.

Actual on-set dialogue.

In retrospect, there were a few things which saved it. One was the special effects. Another was the incredible job the editors did in salvaging it, especially Lucas’s ex-wife Marcia (and she’s the hero of the short but amazing YouTube documentary How Star Wars Was Saved In The Edit).

And the third was a handful of performances by classically trained actors that gave the film some much-needed gravitas: Alex Guinness as Ben Kenobi, Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin), and the initially uncredited James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader.

That last one was incredibly important because the voice of the man in the suit – British actor David Prowse – didn’t… um, have quite the same effect.

Um… yeah.

Prowse looked pretty menacing – he was a champion bodybuilder and stood just shy of two metres tall even before the Vader boots – but his gentle Bristol burr doesn’t exactly strike fear into the heart. Especially when yelled through a plastic helmet.

He has long contended that he thought he was doing the voice of Vader until the very last minute and was most displeased with the decision to dub him. But when you compare the two…

Yeah, it wasn’t the wrong decision.

There Is A Real Gold Poop Up For Grabs And Deadset It's The Most Aussie Thing Ever

Finally, you CAN polish a turd!

There’s no easy way to dance around this question, so let’s get straight to the point: say, do you want a solid gold poo?

That’s not a rhetorical question either. It’s a real thing that exists, it’s worth five thousand dollars, and it’ll go to one technically-lucky winner of Bowel Cancer Australia’s awareness-raising online competition about spotting early signs that something’s wrong in there.

And oh, to have footage of the meeting in which they briefed the goldsmith on this one-of-a-kind commission.

It’s also the Australianest piece of bling imaginable, although it’s for a very good cause: encouraging young men to be bowel cancer aware.

Despite being seen as a old person’s disease, it’s the cancer that kills the most young men and takes out around 4000 people prematurely every year.

That said, it’s also very detectable and has one of the best survival rates when detected early. So all the more reason to get a bit more poo-woke than you likely are.

It’s a term, now.

Anyway, we like things that save people’s lives and which also have the possibility of winning ghastly things, so we heartily endorse this.

Take the quiz, learn about your own, ahem, business, and potentially win what is likely to be the weirdest conversation starter in the world.

Honestly, what was the conversation with the artist like? We really need to know.

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