Bleats

What Ever Happened To Fist-Clenching Power Ballads And What Did We Do To Deserve The Drought?

Limp fist.

First and foremost, thanks for clicking through because it’s obvious that you get where I’m coming from, and I find real comfort in that.

Welcome to the driest time for fist-clenching power ballads, where we are dragging ourselves around the Top 40 charts in pure agony, in search of a song that will infiltrate the soul and do what songs were intended to do.

The Resident | FOX

It starts with a melody that plucks on the heart-strings, playing a tune that sings of true love or heartache (the good stuff) and you feel it. You feel the warmth spread from your chest and up your neck, forcing your hair to stand up on end and your face to feel hot. It spreads through your whole body to the tips of your fingers until you can’t take it anymore; your hands clench into a fist. You’re born again.

Parks and Recreation | NBC

There’s something to be said for the 80s, 90s and 00s producing some of the best power ballads, maybe ever. I’m talking Whitney, Journey, *NSYNC – the list of niche fist-clenching power ballad creators is where I thrive, and where music thrived.

On the record, music today have allowed pop music to flourish from a guilty pleasure to genuinely very great feel-good bops.

Miley Cyrus & Charli XCX | BBC Radio 1

I have conducted extensive research to conclude the definitive beginning and end of the fist-clench worthy songs.

1972, Led Zepplin invented the power ballad with Stairway To Heaven. No further comments will be made or heard, this is bible.

And in 2007, the final power ballad sounded, straight out of the gate with these big-ass, emo AF lyrics:

If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home

Admit it, your fist is already clenched. The Jonas Brothers gave us the final fist-clenching power ballad with When You Look Me In The Eyes and that’s the cold-hard truth.

A thing of beauty and grace. For the culture.

So, where do we go from here? Why did the power ballad die out? Was When You Look Me In The Eyes just far too powerful to ever top?

The only thing to do, aside from hope and pray the power ballad makes a comeback, is listen to the classics. Start yourself off with these and feel where it takes you.


Don’t Stop Believing – Journey


I Want It That Way – Backstreet Boys


I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing – Aerosmith


We Belong Together – Mariah Carey


I Have Nothing – Whitney Houston


And just for my own ego, this is the closest I’ve been to a power ballad since The Jonas Brothers. A little band called LANY from Los Angeles have managed to reignite my faith in the future of power ballads with Hericane. Give it a listen for yourself and may your fists clench in solidarity.

Sophie Turner And Joe Jonas School Celebrity Couples In How To Keep Their Relationship Private, Even In The Spotlight

Calling the paps on yourself ain't cute anymore.

No matter how hard we try and deny it, we are so unbelievably invested in celebrity couples coming and going, loving and breaking up – we can’t get enough.

The powers that be totally know this about us and our stupid, malleable brains and manipulate us into investing in relationships that aren’t real.

Every so often, a real Hollywood couple comes in and saves our souls from eternal damnation. (Too far?)

Enter: Sophie and Joe.

Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas, despite meeting online, have kept their public PDA to a minimum – not because they aren’t totally head-over-heels in love with each other, but because they don’t owe you anything.

Sorry to break it to you.

Sophie and Joe have given us little glimpses into their life, but never intimate details. Never airing dirty laundry. Never involving us in their relationship unless they choose to.

It seems that we are moving into an age where we appreciate ‘less is more’ when it comes to celebrity couples and Joe and Sophie are leading the charge flawlessly.

An In Depth Study To Determine Which Jonas Brother Has The Superior Booty On Their First Album Cover In 7 Years

This is an SOS.

The Jonas Brothers’ triumphant return after 7 years has been a blessing for the whole world, but it’s also been a testing time for long-term fans. 

The brothers have since grown up, gotten married and become real mens. 

Like, cmon.

After two super solid singles, Sucker and Cool, The Jonas Brothers have announced that their first album after a seven year hiatus is called Happiness Begins and will be available June 7th 2019.

Which, y’know, lovely.

But we NEED to talk about the album cover because they’ve given us no choice but to be looking directly at their behinds.

So, I’ve decided the only plan of attack is to rank these butts in a very detailed way, for science of course.

There’s some guidelines, or I’d just be biased.

In this essay I will determine who of The Jonas Brothers has the superior booty, based on the following questions:

  1. If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply?
  2. Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day?
  3. Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? (Important)

Let’s begin.

Joe Jonas.

If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 8/10 Absolutely. His booty is thicc and ready to crush my body into a fine dust (in a loving way.)

Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 9/10 I feel like this booty would find a way to hold me into the night and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 10/10 I have full faith that I could wrap my tiny hands around this booty and have substantial overflow.

RATING: 27/30

Nick Jonas.

If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 4/10 I feel like this booty may be a tad bony so yes, I believe that I would be punctured deeply.

Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 7/10 Nick works out a lot so I feel like I could rest my head on it but it would not be pillowy.

Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 6/10 There would be a severe lacking in the grabbery here, unfortunately.

17/30 (soz)

Kevin Jonas.

If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 10/10 I would be violently maimed by this buttocks and it would turn up to my funeral and ask ‘what happened?’ like it had nothing to do with my death.

Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 9/10 I would definitely rest my head on this booty and fall into a peaceful slumber.

Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 9/10 See, the pants are deceiving but the way the light hits the top of the booty makes me think that this booty would have some decent cuppage.

28/30

via GIPHY

In a surprising turn of events, the winner of most superior butt is, Kevin Jonas.

SIDE NOTE: look at THIS.

Slim thicc daddy, K-Jo is no longer the least popular Jonas because he is GROWN and he is ready for the crown.

#Trending

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