Bleats

Toxic Masculinity Went Full Throttle On Fast And Furious With The Stars’ Pathetic Demands

Pitting three protein-chugging bros on a Fast and Furious movie set was always going to end in tears.

Fast and Furious has unexpectedly become a behemoth of a franchise over the past decade or so. They continue to find ways of defying the laws of physics with their action scenes, the cars have become even flashier, and the cast continues to get bigger with the addition of several A-list stars like Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham.

With so much money and star power on one movie set, you’d think that a lot of ego massaging would be going on to appease all those A-listers, particularly the male leads.

And you’d be completely right actually because it turns out that Fast and Furious is less of a movie and more a haven of toxic masculinity courtesy of Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham.

Run at me, bro.

According to The Wall Street Journal, the making of the last few Fast and Furious movies essentially consisted of trying to not make either Diesel, Johnson or Statham look, ahem, weak.

In fact, the trio’s respective egos were so fragile that each had a ridiculous agreement that limits how many punches they can take during a fight scene, though this was later abandoned because it just caused unnecessary headaches for the poor film crew.

According to producers and crew members on the films, Mr. Statham, 51 years old, negotiated an agreement with the studio that limits how badly he can be beaten up on screen.

Mr. Diesel, 52, has his younger sister, a producer on the films, police the number of punches he takes. And Mr. Johnson, 47, enlists producers, editors and fight coordinators to help make sure he always gives as good as he gets.

Diesel sounded particularly sensitive to all the male energy that was happening on the Fast and Furious set, so much so that his sister Samantha Vincent, who is a producer on the films, weighed in on fight scenes and rehearsals to make sure her bro got to “get his licks back in.”

Three punches for you, three punches for me.

That only scratches the surface of this protein-heavy saga as this level of dick-swinging went above and beyond onscreen fisticuffs. Statham reportedly liked to stop by the editing room to give his input on the fight scenes (i.e twisting the editor’s arm to make him look better).

If you think this is all pathetic and ridiculous, you’d be correct but you also haven’t heard the worst of it yet.

According to a crew member working on The Fate of the Furious, there was a scene that required Johnson to be lying on the ground at Diesel’s feet. Apparently this was too much for Johnson’s fragile ego to handle and he insisted that his character should “at least be sitting up.”

Guess that explains where scenes like this came from.

Must. Overcompensate.

While all the men were worried over who looks the best, the women were didn’t really give a crap about this sort of “scorekeeping” and were, you know, adults about the whole thing.

It’s all pretty pathetic and speaks volumes about why we must quash this toxic masculinity thing once and for all. Then again, should we have expected anything more from three hyper-masculine bros who are in reality nothing more than “candy asses“?

Definitely not.

Ben Affleck's Batman Movie Was Going To Do What No Other Dark Knight Was Brave Enough To Do

Still looking forward to Matt Reeves' take on Batman though.

It’s been long confirmed that Batfleck has hung up his cape and handed over the reins of the new solo Batman to Matt Reeves and Robert Pattinson, who are directing and starring as the new Caped Crusader respectively.

While there’s little doubt that the new Batman movie will be entertaining at the very least, one does wonder what Ben Affleck had in mind for his Batman film that made Warner Bros go “nope, get out.”

Well according to the canned film’s would-be cinematographer, Robert Richardson, Affleck was going to focus less on the boom-boom stuff and more on the “hey, isn’t a guy running around chasing crims while dressed as a bat kinda messed up” angle.

Basically this scene from Batman Begins but extended to two hours.

Richardson spilled the beans on the Happy Sad Confused podcast, saying that Affleck’s take on Batman would’ve been about “insanity” and it was going to dive deep into Arkham Asylum.

“So I think you would’ve seen something a little darker than what we’ve seen in the past and more into the individual, who’s inside Batman. What element may be sane and what element may actually not be sane.

“So he was entering into a little more of the Arkham, as you know, he’s going into where you keep everyone who was bad, everyone that shifted and Batman.”

So less fisticuffs and branding crims with bat symbols and more of a look into the mind of a billionaire who thinks dressing up as a bat vigilante is normal?

That… sounds pretty damn cool actually.

Badly.

We’ve seen surface level explorations into Bruce Wayne’s mental state in previous films, but Affleck’s idea of going all in on the heady stuff is new territory that other incarnations of the Dark Knight wouldn’t have dared to touch.

And then there’s the Arkham Asylum setting idea, which is an inspired choice. Putting Batman in the world’s most escapable mental health facility filled with Gotham’s most psychotic crims is a great way combine Affleck’s intended deep dive into Wayne’s twisted pathology and the compulsory series of fights against baddies.

Considering how well Arkham was used in Rocksteady’s critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham trilogy of games, it was a slam dunk idea.

The (un)happiest place in Gotham!

We’re now left in a perpetual state of “what if” regarding Affleck’s Batman movie, which had so much promise. But hey, Reeves and Pattinson are going to do a good job on their version and that’s what ultimately matters.

And if you’re still looking for your “dark, heady Batman movie” fix, there’s the Joaquin Phoenix-starring Joker movie to look forward to.

Tommy Wiseau's Avengers Remix Of The Room Is The Greatest Thing You'll Watch In 2019

Please put Tommy in the next Avengers movie, Marvel.

Tommy Wiseau has made a career out of milking the hell out of his craptacular masterpiece, The Room, and now he’s produced what might be his second magnum opus: an Avengers/The Room crossover.

We assume this is how he would greet Mark Ruffalo on set every morning.

Lovingly titled Avengers: Friend Game, the five-minute mash up starts off with a “conversation” between Tommy and Nick Fury about the latter’s, uh, sex life (Nick doesn’t really know to be honest with you, but there’s a lot of work that still needs to be done), before things get incredibly weird at around the *checks timestamp* 59 second mark.

From there, what initially started off with bits and pieces of The Room spliced into various Avengers movies mutates into a bizarre music video that an acid trip on an acid trip can’t replicate.

It’s a drunken karaoke singalong that functions as both an ode to friendship and a reimagining of the MCU if it operated using the rules of whatever universe Wiseau is in. If you ever wondered what would happen if Wiseau’s BFF, Greg Sestero, confronted Thanos about the Mad Titan’s plan and suggested that he pivot to edamame instead of dusting half the universe, well, you got your answer right here.

The whole thing is actually pretty well done and almost certainly beyond Tommy’s skillset. There’s simply no way he’s capable of the surprisingly good editing we see in the video, though he deserves credit for the bit where he says “oh hi, doggy” to Rocket Raccoon.

Avengers: Friend Game plays jump rope with the line that separates insanity and genius. It’s also far and away the greatest thing we’ll see in 2019.

You may emerge from this five-minute experience dazed, confused, enlightened, inspired, or all of the above, but you certainly can’t deny that Tommy Wiseau is capable of capturing everyone’s with his brand of
“so bad it’s great” entertainment.

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