James Bond has been going around ordering vodka martinis, murdering baddies, and sleeping with beautiful women for over five decades and soon-to-be 25 films now.
It’s a pretty full on lifestyle to embrace and the effects of it all is bound to catch up to 007 at some point, particularly with the excessive amount of sexy forking he’s done over the years.
Since we’re all about important investigations here, we decided to look into the question of how likely Bond will have an STI given the amount of bedroom action that’s gone on.
For the purposes of this investigation we’ve decided dive separately into each official Bond actor and gauge the likelihood of STIs for each incarnation of the character, used data from the UK since he’s British, and assumed that he didn’t use a condom since he’s definitely the type of irresponsible jerkass who wouldn’t bother with one and we definitely didn’t see Q give him in any of his gadget briefings.
Over the course of six films, Connery’s Bond has had sex with a total of 15 women. Taking into account that the average number of female sexual partners for UK man in a lifetime is between three to nine, this means the Scottish 007 is batting well above average and is likely to to be riddled with chlamydia.
Chances of an STI – Very high.
Aussie Bond was only around for one film but he got his rocks off quite a bit as he hooked up with three women over the course of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
That puts him on par with the average UK man in terms of sexual partners. While the risk of an STI is decent, he does fall in love with Tracy and the couple end up marrying (albeit very briefly).
Assuming that Bond actually bothered to get himself checked before tying the knot with arguably the only woman he loved, then he’s surprisingly in the clear here relatively speaking.
Chance of an STI: Low.
Hoo boy, this one is a doozy.
Moore Bond slept with a whopping 19 women over the course of seven films and several countries, making this 007 the sluttiest and grossest incarnation of the character in MI6 history.
No need to dig too deep into this one, he’s definitely a walking health hazard.
Chance of an STI: Absolutely riddled with STIs.
Dalton Bond was in just two films so he “only” got to sleep with four women, putting him in “average” territory here. But unlike Lazenby Bond, it’s unlikely Dalton Bond could be bothered to get himself checked or pick up a bunch of condoms so he’s playing with fire here.
Chance of an STI: Around average but definitely not inconsiderable.
Brosnan Bond had four films to himself and managed to sleep with 10 women in that time, putting him above average in terms of female partners.
It’s not on the level of Connery or Moore Bond but he’s wading into dangerous territory here. He also dropped the lamest pun ever uttered onscreen – “I thought Christmas only comes once a year” – which is just a rotten cherry on top of an STI-riddled cake.
Chances of an STI: High.
Over the course of four films (so far), Craig Bond has managed to seduce six women into bed or the shower with him. Okay, seduce is probably too nice of a word given how gross his encounters with Sévérine and Lucia Sciarra were but that’s another story for another day.
We don’t know how much sexing he’ll get up to in Bond 25 just yet, but we’re hoping it’s a big fat zero because his current bedroom tally of six women without a condom just irresponsible. Hopefully he used some of his retirement time between Spectre and Bond 25 to see a doctor.
Chances of an STI: Pretty high.