5G Literally Cannot Hurt You So Stop Believing Facebook Scare Campaigns

Oh great, another health panic based on absolutely nothing.

There are a bunch of scare campaigns going around about the coming of the new telecommunications standard 5G.

There’s a petition going around right now claiming that it will involve “concentrated and focused electromagnetic radiation far greater than current levels and will result in a massive increase in inescapable, involuntary exposure to wireless radiation.”

Except the 5G rollout doesn’t involve using scary new tech. It involves using a wider range of the radio spectrum, mainly bits of it which have been previously used for different communications and broadcast. And… um, that’s it.

But if you’re worried about the terrifying claims of high-radiation broadcasts causing cancer by shameless tech companies who only seek profits over human life, man, then we have some good news: it’s complete garbage.

Worf knows what’s what.

Why ? The short answer is physics.

Light comes in a bunch of different wavelengths, which is a fancy way to say “some wiggle a lot more because they carry loads of energy”.

Some wavelengths of light wiggle powerfully enough to actually penetrate skin and do damage to cells – gamma rays, for example. Beneath them are x-rays, and then less-powerful ultraviolet light (the thing that gives you sunburn).

Xrays are fun! And also do penetrate the skin – that’s why they work – and therefore too dangerous to have recreationally. STOP RISKING YOUR HEALTH, GIF!

Weaker yet is visible light. That’s not strong enough to penetrate your skin, and the way you can prove that is by noticing that you’re not invisible.

Visible light can’t do any damage because it’s just not wiggling powerfully enough to get into you and get cancer-busy.

Radio waves are even weaker than that, and 5G (and all mobile phone transmission, and broadcast transmission, and wi-fi) uses radio waves.

More specifically, 5G will be operating around the 15 gigahertz range while visible light is up in the 400 to 750 terahertz spectrum. In other words, a lightbulb is emitting radiation which is several orders of magnitude more powerful than 5G and it’s still nowhere near strong enough to get past the dead cells in the top layer of your skin.

Those long-but-weak wavelengths are great for communication because they travel a long way using very little energy, but the downside is that they don’t penetrate stuff at all well, as you’ve discovered every time you’ve been on a phone call or listening to the radio when driving through a tunnel.

So: unless you’re suddenly rendered invisible and therefore having really low energy wavelengths of light penetrate you, you’re totally immune to 5G.

Honest. You’re all good.

Great, There's Another Expensive Way To Be Pinged For Using Your Phone

And let's be honest, we've all done it.

Most of us know that Australian states have a bunch of laws about using phones in cars. And it’s for a good reason: they’re distracting and most us have ended up programmed to check them every time we’re in danger of having a second to ourselves.

And thus you’ve learned to restrain yourself from doing a cheeky check of Facebook mentions while at traffic lights. But what if you’re in a drive-thru, waiting on your delicious and nutritionally-hearty meal which you definitely not regret in the minutes and days to come?

Answer: a lot of fine-money, right there.

See, the car’s still running and you’re still behind the wheel and therefore still in control of it. And with that great power comes the great legal responsibility for some spicy, finger-licking fines.

Specifically, according to Yahoo, it’ll set back a snack-seeking Sydneysider $377 and five demerit points off their license, a peckish Perthian $400 and three demerit points, a munching Melburnian $484 and four demerit points, a drive-dining Darwinian $250 and three demerit points, a hangry Hobartian $300 and three demerit points, a chowing Canberran $447 and four demerit points, and a not-necessarily-vegan Brisvegan $391 and three demerit points.

Weirdly enough, it doesn’t appear to be an offence in South Australia where checking phones in a non-moving vehicle is acceptable as long as the phone is in a mounted holder.

So provided you’re either a croweater or in for a decent commute, you can do all the in-drive-thru phonework you want.

People Are Getting Far Too Sexually Excited About That Black Hole Pic

Cosmology: always answering humanity's big, thick, thrusting questions.

The very first ever picture of a black hole has been published. Something which Einstein posited as a theoretical object a century ago has now been literally seen by human eyes (well, via their radio telescopes and a lot of data wrangling) in a magnificent triumph of human intellect and ingenuity.

And because it is 2019 the internet is asking the big question: could a dude put his penis in it?

And the answer is no. No, you could not.

The reasons are many.

One is that M87*, the black hole in question, is 55 million light years away which is way beyond the abilities of any Earth-residing hound for space-poon to traverse.

It’s also supermassive, in that the event horizon (the swirly glowing visible bit) is significantly larger than our entire solar system, so even the most well-endowed would find it a cosmically loose fit.

To be fair, those would be the least of your worries if you got there. That radiation alone would cancerfy you before you got your pants off and wangs sporting sudden eruptions of cracks and lesions tend to be rejected by most self-respecting would-be partners.

For those unfamiliar with what a black hole actually is, it’s an object so massive that the escape velocity from its surface (ie: the speed you need to be travelling at to overcome gravity) is greater than the speed of light. That’s why they’re black: not even light can leave it.

They come in many sizes, from tiny short-lived ones to the common ones formed by the death of giant stars to the supermassive ones in the centres of galaxies. We’re still not sure how galactic black holes are created, but most galaxies appear to have them (including our own: hi, Sagittarius A!).

None of them, however, are great for putting dicks in.

One common misconception which might explain Twitter’s whole penile penetration obsession is that they’re giant suck holes that insatiably deep throat the entire cosmos. That’s not the case.

It’s entirely possible that there are black holes with planets happily orbiting around them, just like we do with the sun: they’re just things with a hell of a lot of mass.

What does happen, however, is that there’s a point where if you’re too close to the black hole you will fall in, just like if you were an asteroid that came too close to Earth our planet’s gravity would pull you to the surface.

In a black hole that point is the aforementioned event horizon and it’s where the gas and dust and penises which are too close to the black hole tip over the edge and fall in.

Here on Earth our ocean tides go up and down because of the gravity of the Moon pulling a bit harder on the bit of our planet closest to it relative to the far away side.

Similarly, when you’re super close to an event horizon hole the tip of your erection would be closer to the black hole, and therefore affected more by its gravity, than your ballsack, and the result is that it would be torn to atoms in a process adorably called “spaghettification”.

You’d be very swiftly stretched out dick-first across the event horizon in a stream of super-accelerated particles made white-hot from friction before you even got to ask the black hole if they were finished yet and if they could call you an Uber.

All dick jokes aside, this photograph is a celebration of science, collaboration, and the gathering and disseminating of terabytes of data from multiple telescopes to finally resolve this blurry yet freakin’ incredible photo.

It’s also making a star of Katie Bouman, the computer scientist who did the data juggling, and another neat reminder of the kickarse women of science.

But also, if you do happen to find a way to span the vast stellar distances to blow that most cosmic of loads, do wear a condom.

Better safe than sorry, huh?

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