Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 1999: you are old as hell.
Leonardo DiCaprio may still be dating 22-year-olds, but you are not 22, and you will never date Leo. However, a vaguely Romeo + Juliet-related 90s novelty song created by Baz Luhrmann lives on.
It’s 20 years since ‘Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen’ AKA ‘The Sunscreen Song’ became an international hit, spending 11 weeks on the Billboard chart. The song, originally recorded in 1997 but going global in 1999, is made up of a soul sample of a song used on the R+J soundtrack and a trip-hop beat with a list of advice being read over the top by a voice actor.
The advice is often credited to either Luhrmann or, weirdly, author Kurt Vonnegut, but was actually a fake graduation speech that was knocked out in an afternoon by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich in 1997, then went viral (over email) before we had a word for that.
It’s still iconic. Schmich invented “Do one thing every day that scares you”, for Pete’s sake. I had it all typed out in a handwriting-y font and taped to the door of my teenage bedroom. I have followed very little of it, but I’m ancient enough now to have looked at certain bits and gone, “Well, s**t, she was right about that.”
I will rate this advice… now.
“Wear sunscreen.”
Banger. Absolute unassailable classic. Sunscreen rules. The Jimi Hendrix of advice. The Oprah of pro tips.
“Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. “
This one isn’t advice, really – it’s just a vague observation. And not everyone is objectively better looking at 17 or 18 than they are at 40. You get way better at doing your eyeliner, for one thing.
But you do also probably like yourself more, carry yourself with more confidence, and give fewer f**ks about what Jessica S thinks of your outfit – which is all going to make you feel way more powerful and beautiful.
“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. “
This has not aged well. If you’re not terrified about the future, you’re not paying attention.
The Window Of Opportunity To Stop Climate Change
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
Does getting out of bed count?
Nah but seriously, every day is a lot of fear. What this mutated Pinterest slogan is really telling you to do is to challenge yourself regularly: take on something new at work, mess with your hair, or talk to your crush (that’s no easier at 30 than at 13, for the record).
So I think once a week is fine, right?
“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.”
Translation: don’t be a fuccboi, and don’t put up with fuccbois. Timeless.
“Floss.”
My dentist says twice a week is better than nothing.
“Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.”
This is true, but man, it’s hard to do.
“Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults.”
Ditto.
“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.”
Nobody has time to feel guilty. We all have four side hustles and are two years from losing our jobs to kids who learned to code in kindy, or a robot.
“Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.”
Well, ⅓ chance, ⅓ conscious choice, ⅓ Facebook algorithm.
“Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it.”
This is the best one apart from the sunscreen. Have an orgasm tonight, if that’s your thing, or go swimming or eat something delicious if it’s not. And f**k the haters.
“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on… The older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.”
Questionable. The only people you need are the ones who make your life better, no matter how long you’ve known them. Old friends are great, but only if they’re really friends.
Respect your elders
Reserve this for the old people who haven’t spent their entire adult lives trashing the environment, the economy, the job market, and you.
Travel
Yes. And take as many photos as you want, no matter whether boomer tourists glare at your selfie-ing.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85
Do what you want to your hair. It’ll grow back.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Worth saying twice. Slip slop slap, kids.