Millennials are at once heavily derided by the media and closed out of most of society. We lack stable housing, financial security, and it’s very likely that we’ll see the Earth crumble beneath our feet in our lifetimes. Meanwhile, older generations hate us because a few of us happen to like avocado on toast.
Monopoly, the famous game about going around the board and collecting property until everyone hates you, already feels accurate to the millennial housing market experience under late capitalism (as long as the winner is a baby boomer, of course).
Nevertheless, the famous board game has gone one step further and created a “Millennial Edition”.
No, this isn’t a bad knock-off or a photoshopped meme: this is a bonafide official product by Hasbro, the toy company behind Monopoly.
Just read this cringe-inducing blurb from the official description over at Walmart.
Instead of collecting as much cash as possible, players are challenged to rack up the most Experiences to win. Travel around the gameboard discovering and visiting cool places to eat, shop, and relax. Interact with other players via Chance and Community Chest cards, (which are super relatable). And players don’t pay rent — they visit one another, earning more Experience points.
The blurb continues with such condescending How-Do-You-Do-Fellow-Kids lingo like “adulting is hard”, but it’s hard to go past how the game removes both collecting properties and paying rent: the two core mechanics of Monopoly. Which would be a point in its favour, if everything else about this didn’t already turn us off.
Did I mention that, as well as being the worst thing, this version of Monopoly is exclusive to US retailer Walmart, who are renowned for underpaying staff? So relatable!
Look, Monopoly is already an incredibly bad board game. It goes for hours, nothing interesting happens, and it only really exists to spread animosity. Anyone who willingly pulls it out during a party or family get-together should be punished immediately.
If you’re really keen on a board game that’ll make everyone hate each other, at least play something halfway-fun like Settlers of Catan or Ticket To Ride.