Between the alcohol-fuelled work events and the heated discussions over the cruelty of horse racing, Melbourne Cup day is a messy day.
Whether you’re pro or anti Melbourne Cup, November 6 is coming people, so why not prepare yourself with a bit of astrological insight?
Capricorn:
Your affinity for self-control and discipline will be seriously tested by the sheer amount of free alcohol available and the societal pressure to get wrecked at some inevitable Melbourne Cup-related event.
You can either be designated driver looking after your drunk ass-mates, or be that drunk-ass mate that doesn’t realise they’re too drunk to be calling the shots. Choose your poison.
Aquarius:
Your weakness today is being addiction-prone dear Aquarius friends. Be wary of overzealous confidence in random horses you have chosen because it felt ~right~.
Long term, be wary of falling prey to the parasitic gambling industry that financially devastates tens thousands of Australian families every year. Cheers!
Pisces:
No matter how much your mate promises to ‘totally pay you back’, do NOT lend them money for horse betting. I repeat DO NOT give away your money to your drunk gambling friends you blindly generous piece of sh*t.
Aries:
We get it, you’re enthusiastic about the day’s festivities. You’re keen to get this party started. Your challenge today is to resist getting absolutely slizzered while the clock still reads AM.
Taurus:
If you do find yourself at a Melbourne Cup event, remember that likely no one there really wants to hear about the horse race. Whether it’s the economic significance, the financial strategies or the animal cruelty involved, this is not the context to talk at people until they submit to your point. Read the room.
Gemini:
Today will be a struggle as you’re caught between your belief that the horse racing industry enables pointless animal cruelty, and the desire to be involved in the festivities. Don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s other ways to show your support (or lack thereof) for the industry and it’s not like sitting out a work event will create any revolutionary change.
Cancer:
If you’re going to get extremely inebriated at an event surrounded by your colleagues that is your choice, just remember that this is not the time or place for any drunken emotional breakdowns or D&M’s you messy b*tch.
Leo:
Did someone say extremely extra dresses, suits and headpieces? Leo season is back bby.
Virgo:
Don’t stress too much about spilling on yourself and looking like mess. Looking like a mess is the Melbourne Cup tradition and no one is judging you for that espresso martini you’re wearing.
Libra:
The Melbourne Cup is a divisive event so be prepared to dole out equal nods to people expressing their outrage at the whole thing, and people expressing their enthusiasm for it. Don’t worry though the conversation usually only lasts for the day then you pretty much won’t hear about it again until next year.
Scorpio:
While you are right, and we know you love being right, your horse-murder hot takes are not appropriate chit chat while you’re drinking free bubbly on company time. If you really do care, donate your $20 to Horse Rescue Australia instead of putting in for the sweep, and don’t pretend you’re solving the problem via incessant ranting.
Sagittarius:
If you play your cards right, you can sneak away from the Melbourne Cup festivities and enjoy a day off in peace doing whatever the hell you want.