When October 3rd falls on a Wednesday, it is a holy day. According to the Mean Girls bible, thou shalt wear pink and ’tis a sin of extra-epic proportions to disobey. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
To all the boys whose hair looks sexy pushed back. #MeanGirlsDay pic.twitter.com/Gmh7CTtYiQ
— GOAT (@GOAT_aus) October 2, 2018
Today, being Wednesday, October 3rd, we should all be surrounded by a sea of pink and nothing else. However, looking around I can see that there is a 30% chance that too many people already f**ked up.
So if that’s you, first of all, (and with all respect to sex workers), BOO you whore.
And secondly, we’ve gotta fix this. That’s why I’ve put together this handy guide of solutions for all the idiots out there who forgot to wear pink on WEDNESDAY OCTOBER DAMN 3RD.
Let’s begin!
#1. You Can’t Sit With Us.
Seeing as you have not had the decency to respect the rules, you absolutely can not sit with us. Separating the believers from the non-believers is the first step and, honestly, getting you traitors out of my damn sight is a key part of the solution to preserve the holiness of this day.
So you bitches can walk home.
#2. Get In Loser We’re Going Shopping.
If you forgot to wear pink today then do. something. about. it. you. fool. There’s a whole world out there waiting to sell you pink things and save you from the pure humiliation that you should be experiencing.
#3. I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK. I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.
If you have forgotten to wear pink then now is a great time to try your hand at simply strategies of manipulation and theft.
Look around. There should be someone somewhere wearing a pink something Lord please. Now feign outrage and claim it was yours first until they surrender and hand it over then BOOM. Losing friends but wearing pink.
#4. We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar.
If there was ever a time to commit murder, this is it. Whether it’s on your hands or your clothes, the blood spill should make for some kind of make-shift pink outfit that will have to do for today seeing as you were so disorganised. Eugh.
#5. One Time She Punched Me In The Face. It Was Awesome.
I’m not saying that you getting punched in the face would totally solve the problem, but I do think it would help.
#6. Yea But Did You See Nipple? It Only Counts If You Saw Nipple.
If you have not successfully worn pink on this holy day then I would go so far as to say that you do not deserve to wear clothing of any colour. So strip yourself of your decidedly irrelevant clothing and let nudity be your penance.
#7. Watch Out Please, Fresh Meat Coming Through.
Claim you’ve never seen Mean Girls in your life and you might, just might, be let off the hook and accepted into the welcoming bosom of the community. This is high risk and high return, you dirty little liar.
#8. Everyone Grab Some Rubbers.
Seduce someone wearing pink then steal their clothes. But also wear protection or you will get pregnant, and die.
#9. OK, Go Home.
Have you considered reclusion into solitary where you belong for this wrong-doing? Not just today. Anywhere from one week to forever seems like the appropriate punitive measures.
OK glad that’s settled. Now please learn some respect by the time Wednesday October 3rd comes around again in 2029.