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Never Forget: The Absurd Utopian Australia Of Mary-Kate And Ashley’s 'Our Lips Are Sealed'

This is where I want to live.

Back in the glory days of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsens straight-to-VHS movie career, they gave us the masterpiece that is Our Lips Are Sealed. The year was 2000, and the Olsen Twins graced Australia with an action/romance-packed teen film set in Sydney.

Except it is not the Australia that we know. This is an Australia that is so, so much better. At least to watch.

Let’s recap for anyone whose childhood memories of Our Lips Are Sealed have not burned the nuances of the plot into their mind forever. Mary-Kate and Ashley play the Parker twins, who are forced to join the Witness Protection Program after foiling a jewel heist.

Their family keeps being relocated, and the twins keep spilling the tea on their situation, until they get sent to the last (ish) place left they haven’t lived: Australia.

On one level, there’s an elaborate plot that unfolds in which the thieves chase the twins (Maddie and Abby) down under in search of the big-ass diamond they don’t even know they have. It’s fittingly surreal for a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie.

Then on another level, we see the Olsen twins immersing in classic Aussie – or as they say, ‘Ossie’ – culture. They immediately make acquaintance with two hot (for their age and target audience) surfer dudes who have access to cars and boats and Harbour Bridge climbs with impossible ease.

I LOVE this Australia.

They have a pet kangaroo named boomer who eats potato chips and watches TV! I always wanted one of those!

They crush cans on their heads – something that all Aussies can ostensibly do in the parallel universe version of Sydney, Australia that the Olsen twins have stumbled into. Not enough Australians in real life can crush cans on their heads. We need to do better.

It’s all yacht parties and impromptu participation in surf competitions and Luna Park frolicking. Was this movie produced by Tourism Australia on the down low? Perhaps.

The crowning moment is when one of the girls (Mary-Kate I believe) stops the bad guys by throwing a boomerang at a sea plane. There just happen to be boomerangs on hand, because they are an everyday item for the Olsen twin’s Australia.

And THEN it seems as if the girls are allowed to keep the fat diamond they realise they’ve had all along??? This particular plot point is not specifically ‘Australian’ but it’s definitely a world I’d like to live in.

In conclusion, the Australia in Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Our Lips Are Sealed is an absurd kind of utopia that I would rather be living in.

New Stats On Young Aussies Show Just How Much Scarier It Is To Be A Woman

Nearly half of young women feel unsafe walking alone after dark and that’s just the start.

In a survey of nearly 30,000 Australian teenagers aged between 15 and 19, the results show that more females than males are concerned about almost every topic in the survey.

The most disheartening stat is that nearly half of Australian young women feel unsafe walking alone after dark. 46.6% of women compared with 18.1% of males admit to feeling ‘unsafe’ or ‘very unsafe in their communities when walking alone after dark’. This is not OK.

One in five young females report concerns about their personal safety (21.6% of women compared with 14.3% of males). Twice the proportion of young females also reported ‘security/safety’ as a potential barrier to moving out of home in the future compared to young males (28.3% compared with 14.2%).

Body image stresses were also more common among young women with four in ten flagging it as a source of concern, compared with only one in six young males (41.5% compared with 15.4%). Mental health similarly was highlighted as a personal concern by a far greater proportion of young women than men  (38.5% compared with 20.4% for males).

The numbers come from Mission Australia‘s special report Gender Gaps – Findings from the Youth Survey 2018, which was published today.

“We need to put a spotlight on what young women are telling us.” Mission Australia CEO James Toomey said. “This is not ok, young females should not have to tolerate feeling unsafe as they go about their day to day lives. Young women and men should be able to participate in activities and connect with their friends in their communities with equal confidence.”

The report makes seven recommendations to improve the gender-biased concerns that are plaguing young women, that includes investment in place-based initiatives so that we  can improve the way women experience public spaces.

These results are disheartening, but unfortunately not surprising. Most women would be able to guess that feeling unsafe after dark is practically the norm and we’ve spoken out about this plenty. Women confessed that what they would do if men had a 9pm curfew is simply go outside without fear. We have seen repeatedly in the news that women can do everything we’re told to do to avoid being attacked and the worst happens regardless.

Women feel afraid too much of the time, and this needs to be fixed.

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