Bleats

Rosa From Brooklyn Nine Nine Wants To Be She-Hulk So Why Isn't It Already Happening, Marvel?

Easiest decision in casting history, right here.

The news that there’s definitely going to be an attempt to bring She-Hulk to the screen has been met with mad acclaim by Marvel fans and complete silence by people unfamiliar with the beloved comics character – and Stephanie Beatriz (aka Rosa Diaz in Brooklyn Nine-Nine) is definitely in the former camp.

When E! asked her about a fan question whether she’d consider playing the role, she literally offered her life.

“I would die to play that role,” she replied. “That is so flattering. That is one of the best characters in that universe… I definitely have upped my workouts since reading some of those things.”

NINE-NINE! Sorry, what?

And in recognition of the fact that it’s 2019 and there’s no way that people wouldn’t complain about a Latina take on the character, Beatriz added that she thought it would “be really exciting for fans to see some of these characters that we kind of decided are one thing, to sort of be imagined in a different way.” So she’s never been on Twitter, it would appear.

But it’s nice to hear that Beatriz is already getting jacked to play the superhero also known as genius lawyer Jennifer Walters.

Sadly, that’s not Jessica Walters, who would also make one hell of a She-Hulk, albeit in a rather different interpretation of the role.

The show has been confirmed as being on the slate for the Disney+ streaming service’s original programming, alongside Loki, WandaVision, Hawkeye, What If?, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Ms. Marvel, and Moon Knight and a rumoured Ant-Man/Wasp miniseries.

However, there’s still no actor confirmed for the part – or, for that matter, any details other than that the show is eventually happening – so now seems a good time to go “yep, she’d be perfect, cast her.”

But let’s be clear: Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s Rosa wants to be She-Hulk. You want to be the one to tell her no?

Make it happen, Marvel. For all of our sakes.

It’s Painful To Watch The Bachelor Decide Between His Intellect And His Horniness

It's a one sided battle, you know.

Matt Agney, the nation’s Bachelor, is down to the final two in a remarkably straightforward representation of the eternal male battle betwixt mind and wang. And, if the rumours are true, we already know which one ultimately wins.

Spoiler.

Representing the intellect is Chelsie, the doe-eyed chemical engineer with a heart fulla hurt just looking for a partner who shares her love for science.

And for her Matt – and/or the producers of the show – concocts an elaborate mystery date in which she must unravel a series of numeric clues in order to solve an equation and discover the code to a lockbox which contains a necklace with the chemical representation of oxytocin, the so-called “love molecule”, in a callback to their first meeting on the red carpet.

“…and divide by the air pressure in centibars on the evening we met…”

Representing the wang is Abbie, sultry siren of the property industry. And their date is dry humping at a beach.

No, really Abbie, how’re things?

So you know. Similar vibe.

So, in short, it’s coming down to a contest between sexual chemistry and literal chemistry, and if the entire history of humankind we’ve learned that sex is bulldozer that levels everything before us, while chemistry is the thing that explodes in your face if you get a single thing wrong.

Goddamn, these metaphors just write themselves!

Oh yeah, Helena also got a date, but that descended rapidly into discussion of why things went to hell on the hometown visit and…

Yeah, her being sent home wasn’t going to be that hard a decision.

And now it’s all awkward because tonight one of the lucky ladies will be sent packing, and Matt and The Winner walk off together into the sunset (again, according to rumours, for a few weeks before splitting and Matt hooking up with the other one).

But who will win: the meeting of the mind, or the grinding of the gennies? Guess we’ll find out shortly!

'Friends' Execs Agree That Yeah, Maybe That Whole Phoebe Stalker Plot Was A Mistake

Well, better late than never.

It’s very easy and also a bit unfair to trawl over old media and then slam it for how un-woke it is by 2019 standards, but it’s hard to avoid in this age of endless streaming television, in which the past remains forever stuck in the present.

Then again, some messages are genuinely timeless.

And Friends has been guilty of the odd bit of eyebrows raising non-wokeness, especially when Ross encounters anyone non-straight, but that’s not the storyline which the show runners now cringe most about.

Amazingly, it’s a Phoebe one.

And it’s… look, they’re not wrong.

Executive producer Marta Kaufman explained at the 25th anniversary panel that in her opinion the show’s biggest misstep was when Phoebs fell for… “The stalker, David Arquette. We did a lot of rewriting on that to make that work.”

“Work” is a relative term, but if you don’t remember series three’s third episode The One with the Jam, it involves Arquette mistaking Phoebe for her twin sister Ursula (also played by Lisa Kudrow, naturally), and then decided he was a bit of alright, ending with inviting him to stalk her instead.

Yeah. The idea that a guy stalking a woman and this being a cute and flirty sort of a thing is not great. Especially given other things going on in Australia right now.

Incidentally, Kaufman doesn’t dwell on her stalker plot mistake, to the point where she doesn’t even encounter Friends except in the wild and by accident.

“I watch the show once in a while and it’s much harder for me to enjoy the good moments when there are moments in it that I’m just going, ‘Oh my God, we let that happen?’”

So actually, that’s probably the real story here: there is someone on the planet who is apparently not endlessly binging Friends. Who knew?

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