Bleats

Here's A Very Good Reason Why Putting Ant-Man Up Thanos' Butt Isn't A Winning Avengers Strategy

It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Possible SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven’t seen Avengers: Infinity War and Ant-Man And The Wasp.

Up until the point when Thor cleaved his new magic axe into Thanos’ chest with a 10/10 throw at the end of Avengers: Infinity War (only to gloat and subsequently doom half the universe to an ashy end), everyone was wondering how on earth were the Avengers going to take down the seemingly indestructible purple Mad Titan.

Disregarding Thor, if Tony Stark got handily desuited and Hulk got beaten so badly he’s gone into permanent hiding in Bruce Banner’s body, then some outside-of-the-box thinking would be needed for the Avengers to triumph.

One particularly creative Redditor came up with an idea that’s so crazy that it will make you wonder why you didn’t think of it: putting Ant-Man up Thanos’ butt and having him expand.

On (toilet) paper, it seems like a bold but potentially good strategy. Get Scott right up there in Thanos’ good bits and turn him into a gross pile of purple mush from the inside out by expanding into Giant-Man. But sadly, that plan would fail before Ant-Man gets past the Mad Titan’s waistband.

According to the Redditor who brought up the idea in the first place, it is highly unlikely that Scott will be able to even wound Thanos after expanding let alone kill him.

Ant-Man And The Wasp showed that when Scott was forced to curl himself up uncomfortably when enlarged in a small room rather than breaking apart the walls. Combine that with Thanos’ near-invulnerability against the high-tech Iron Man suit (which is much more durable than the Ant-Man suit and some measly plaster walls), Scott basically becomes instant mush the moment he expands in the purple giant’s butt.

That image of Scott being crushed in Thanos’ butt is in your brain now.

That failing strategy might’ve bought the Avengers some precious seconds against Thanos since it would at leave him in some discomfort, but Scott’s hypothetical death via rectal disintegration ultimately wouldn’t have done much in the long run.

And with the all-powerful Captain Marvel waiting in the wings to have a crack at the Mad Titan, who is gravely injured thanks to Thor anyway, Ant-Man will probably be glad that his services won’t involve any rear entries into giant purple aliens.

It was a valiant effort nonetheless but for now, we’ll just have to go back to the drawing board until all is revealed in Avengers: Endgame in April.

Disney Sheepishly Rehires James Gunn To Direct Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

Gunn was fired last July after some alt-right trolls dug up some unsavoury old jokes tweeted out by the director.

Time to rejoice, internet, because after months of public apologies, online petitions from fans, and open letters from the entire Guardians of the Galaxy cast, Disney has sheepishly decided to rehire James Gunn to direct GOTG 3.

According to Deadline, Disney had been second guessing its decision to fire Gunn and secretly decided to make the decision to unfire the director months ago.

Presumably the news only broke now since all the hooplah after Gunn’s firing has finally died down to manageable levels.

Every Marvel fan right now after hearing about James Gunn’s rehiring.

Just a reminder how we got here in the first place, Gunn was fired after some alt-right troll dug up some of the director’s old tweets in which he made a bunch of pedophilia and rape jokes. The resulting furor from that caused Disney to fire Gunn from GOTG 3 in a knee-jerk reaction.

As for why Disney decided to change its mind, apparently the studio’s chairman Alan Horn met with Gunn after the whole tweet saga and was persuaded by the director’s sincere apology and handling of the aftermath of his firing (i.e not criticising Disney for its decision, unlike, say, Kevin Hart and the whole Oscars debacle).

Furthermore, it was reported that Disney never met with or considered any other director for GOTG 3, which suggests that rehiring Gunn was always on the cards.

Following the news of his rehiring, Gunn has tweeted out a heartfelt message of thanks to all his fans who supported him the whole time.

Gunn’s rehiring did initially hit a hurdle because he officially signed on to direct and write the Suicide Squad sequel a couple of months ago, which would’ve made for some awkward conversations at Marvel given how DC is its big rival in the superhero landscape.

But to the relief of DC and Marvel fans everywhere, a deal was worked out in which Gunn is free to work his magic on the Suicide Squad sequel first before resuming work on GOTG 3. Details on the GOTG film remain scarce and it is likely that it won’t be released until after 2020 at the earliest, though we do know that Gunn had written the script for it before being fired.

This is absolutely the right move from Disney because the GOTG films are so uniquely “James Gunn” that no director could really hope to emulate that magic. There will undoubtedly be some who will gripe about Gunn’s unfiring, but rather than say something dumb, I’ll let Star Lord respond to any and all detractors.

Every Avenger Whom Captain Marvel Can Beat In A Fight

Arguably the most important question to come out of Captain Marvel.

POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD so read on at your own risk. Or don’t, it’s up to you. 

After much anticipation and hooplah, Captain Marvel is finally out in cinemas and to no one’s surprise, it is pretty damn good.

While there were many highlights in the film (Nick Fury being a closet crazy cat lady is definitely one), the big question going into the film was where did Carol Danvers fit into the grand scheme of things in terms of the MCU and the Avengers, especially since Captain Marvel essentially leads into the upcoming Avengers: Endgame.

Both those answers are pretty well answered in Carol Danvers’ origin story but having seen what she can do, another interesting question popped up in my head: how many members of the Avengers can Carol beat up?

Marvel head honcho Kevin Feige has said that Captain Marvel is “by far the most powerful character” in the MCU and so the GOAT decided to dive deep into this claim.

Carol’s list of powers and abilities is pretty impressive. She’s got the usual skillset of superhuman strength, speed, and durability, which is topped off by her ability to fire powerful photon blasts from her hands (which also allows her to fly at near-light speed).

Now to keep this nice and easy, we’re covering all “official” Avengers members plus “honourary” members who might as well be an Avenger, such as the Guardians of the Galaxy and Doctor Strange.

Having covered what every member of The Avengers were up to during Captain Marvel, it’s time to find out how much Avenger ass Carol can kick.

She’s ready to rumble.

Tony Stark

It’ll start off pretty evenly as Tony will keep up the pace against Carol with his gadgets and savvy. But the Iron Man armor will lose durability quicker than Carol, allowing her to emerge victorious.

Verdict: Carol wins, albeit with a struggle.

Thor

Talk about a battle for the ages. Both heroes’ strength and durability are about on par, she’s got Kree blood in her while he’s literally a god, and Thor’s lightning is a decent match against Carol’s photon blasts. While Carol can fly at near-light speed, Thor has his Stormbreaker weapon. This fight may come down to the littlest things, like choice of battlefield or what they had for breakfast.

Verdict: Too close to call.

Bruce Banner/Hulk

Hulk will take Carol initially by surprise due to his aggression and brute force. But once Carol figures this out, her photon blasts and far greater maneuverability will overcome Hulk.

Verdict: Carol to out-savvy Hulk in the second round.

Steve Rogers

With the inability to fly or powers of any sort, Steve will have to rely on his superior hand-to-hand combat skills. While this will keep him in the fight, Carol will eventually lose patience at not being able to knock him down and resort to using her flight ability and photon blasts.

Verdict: Capt will put up a good fight but won’t be able to do this all day against Carol.

Natasha Romanoff

Same outcome as Steve Rogers, except it’ll be over sooner as Natasha doesn’t have the benefit of super soldier serum pumping through her veins.

Verdict: First round TKO to Carol.

Peter Parker

Peter’s maneuverability and agility is a match for Carol and his webbing will give her headaches. But Carol’s photon power will eradicate any attempt from Peter to web her up while her flying speed and combat experience will be too much for the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man to handle.

Verdict: He’s got heart but it’s not enough against the experienced Carol.

He’s just happy that he lasted as long as he did against Carol.

James Rhodes

Rhodey’s firepower pales in comparison to Carol’s photon blast and his suit is slow and clunky against her flight speed. Carol will run and fly circles around poor Rhodey.

Verdict: It’s definitely gonna hurt him more than it’ll hurt her.

Doctor Strange

Doc’s power is no match in a straight head-to-head battle against Carol but he is definitely more savvy and trickier than she is and that will keep him in the battle longer than expected. At least the quips will be off the charts.

Verdict: Either Carol knocks out Doc or he manages to mystic art his way into a draw with his powers.

T’Challa

The Black Panther is a warrior through and through but he is no unmovable object to Carol’s unstoppable force, no matter how much vibranium he has tucked away in his suit.

Verdict: A top-of-the-line suit and tech from Shuri, a lifetime of training, and ingesting weird purple flowers won’t be enough for the Black Panther to take down Carol.

Vision

Now this is quite difficult to pit since he’s, you know, dead as of Infinity War. But if he were still functioning, his Infinity Stone power would give Carol fits. However, one well-placed photon blast to the stone in his forehead and he’s toast.

Verdict: N/A since he’s already dead.

Wanda Maximoff

If this fight took place somewhere with a lot of junk and big things to throw around, Wanda would last a decent amount of time before Carol either gets past everything thrown at her or Wanda runs out of junk. Otherwise it’s Carol by a landslide because Wanda’s power isn’t really for combat and she doesn’t have the speed to get close enough to Carol to use her crazy mind magic.

Verdict: Second round TKO to Carol.

Sam Wilson

Sam is like a less artillery-heavy but much more maneuverable version of War Machine, but that is still nowhere near enough to take on Carol.

Verdict: Falcon will get his wings clipped by Carol.

The losers club.

Bucky

Basically Steve Rogers all over again, minus the gritty determination and plus one metal arm. Still not a winning combo against Carol.

Verdict: Bucky will lose the fight and maybe his arm. Again.

Peter Quill

Sure Starlord has his tricks and blasters but Carol will swat him away like an annoying fly.

Verdict: Starlord will get his ass handed to him but not after he and Carol bond over 90’s tunes.

Gamora

Gamora’s deadly combat skills and sword ability will keep Carol honest for a bit until the battle settles in and Carol starts figuring out Gamora. Definitely a good battle in the works.

Verdict: Carol but a respectable performance from the green-skinned assassin.

Rocket Raccoon

Unless Rocket can build some crazy cosmic cannon of sorts, he’s got no chance. If anything, his quips will annoy Carol so much she will make sure this irritating trash panda shuts up for a long time.

Verdict: Rocket will wish he was in a test tube again.

Groot

Groot has the reach but that’s really it. Carol will fly circles around poor Groot and methodically take him apart in various ways, literally.

Verdict: Anyone need firewood?

Clint Barton

Hawkeye may be a kickass archer but even he isn’t fast enough to hit Carol. That’s really all he had as he sure as hell can’t match her in any other category.

Verdict: First round TKO for Carol, after which she’ll babysit his kids as an apology.

Scott Lang

Ant-Man’s speed and power is lacking but his ability to shrink will keep him in the fight long enough to annoy Carol or find a way out of the battle. Giant Ant-Man is too slow to do anything against the quick and nimble Carol.

Verdict: Carol will squash him or he’ll manage to escape. Sorry Scott, no orange slices for you.

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