Bleats

Here's How To Glitter Up For Mardi Gras Without Ruining Your Planet, Eyes, Or Genitals

YES, YOUR GENITALS.

Glitter: if it’s the herpes of craft supplies, it’s the 3am-combo-wrap-from-an-unfamiliar-kebab-shop of cosmetics. When you’re in party mode, it seems like a fantastic idea, but then you spent the next three days regretting it in every part of your body.

And glitter these days is no joke. This isn’t the sheer, fine-grained gel formulas of late-90s body glitter. No, siree – the glitter of the Instagram era ranges from densely sparkly, fine sand to basically full-on glass shards, and we’re crusting that s**t onto our cheekbones and our scalps and our chests like panko breadcrumbs on a pub schnitzel.

And now there’s glitter sunscreen: brands like Sunshine & Glitter and the delightfully named Unicorn Snot are spiking perfectly good, innocent SPF 50+ with the devil’s party dust (no, not that kind).

As it’s Mardi Gras week, there will be precisely one sextillion metric tons of glitter washing down drains and making itself a forever home in bedsheets this week.

There are a couple of things you can do to make sure the worst outcome from covering yourself in tiny, sharp-edged bits of iridescent plastic is that you get a couple of funny looks at work on Monday because there’s still some behind your ear.

First of all, for the love of all that’s shiny, stick to cosmetic-grade glitter, especially for your face, but also for everything. Craft glitter is cheaper for a reason – it’s coarser and tends to have sharper edges.

And it gets EVERYWHERE.

A young mother in the US lost an eye in 2016 after a single piece of her daughter’s craft glitter got stuck and cut her cornea. Two failed corneal transplants and a serious risk of sepsis (WHICH CAN KILL YOU) later, doctors had to remove the eye.

Even the cosmetic kind can be damaging if it falls into your peepers. So don’t put anything in or around your eye area unless it specifically says it’s eye-safe; use a good-quality lash glue to stick on chunky glitter; and if you do get fallout that hurts and won’t blink away, DO NOT RUB IT. Get some saline, get a friend to help you flush it with the saline, and get thee to an optometrist or doctor ASAP.

And while we’re on the subject: again, glitter gets everywhere, so try really, really hard to avoid getting it on your genitals.

Do not put glitter on your penis or your vulva.

You wouldn’t think this needed to be said, but remember how in 2017 those Passion Dust vaginal glitter capsules went viral? Because someone decided sex would be more fun if you could put a dissolving pod of edible glitter and sugar gel up your box for that realistic going-down-on-Tinkerbell experience, or something.

That kind of thing will mess up your vaginal flora (the bacterial and pH balance that keeps it from feeling itchy, sore, gross, inflamed, and other unsexy, uncomfortable states).

And if you get craft glitter stuck in the sensitive, soft skin of your genitals, it can hang out there for a while, get into your urethra, cause infections, and even form a kind of big gross sore called a granuloma, which is a fun thing to google.

The other thing about glitter is: most of it is plastic. Even “BPA-free”, “vegan” plastic? Still plastic.

You can chuck out all your microbead scrubs but glitter is basically just, y’know, the flat version of that. So when you wash it off, where does it all go?

*extremely Robert Smith voice* INTO THE SEA!

You can get biodegradable glitter online, though! They even sell it on ASOS.

So if the idea of washing a plastic shopping bag’s worth of glitter down the drain where it will make a whole lot of adorable turtles and seahorsies feel much less fabulous, track down some biosparkles. You’ve still got time to get it express shipped.

And there are other options to make yourself super shiny: metallic body and face paint! Foil temporary tattoos! Glow sticks! Sequins! Lurex!

All of them are easier to take off before you get to brunch on Sunday morning afternoon, and the only risk of going blind is from catching sight of your gorgeous self in a mirror.

In short: glitter is fun, but evil. Sparkle smarter this weekend, babes.

Why Do The Women On The Walking Dead Have Perfect Eyebrows In The Middle Of The Zombie Apocalypse?

Women on TV who have just woken up, are getting out of the shower or are running from literal zombies are rocking on-point makeup, and it MAKES. NO. SENSE.

With The Walking Dead returning for the second half of its ninth season next week, the show’s biggest mystery still remains to be solved: how are all these people still so good-looking in the middle of the zombie apocalypse?

Specifically, the women.

Most dudes, like Daryl (Norman Reedus) are still sweaty, stubbly messes (relatively speaking), and everyone is routinely covered with a thin layer of attractively glowing perspiration and grime. But nobody has split ends, and the women’s eyebrows are all flawless.

Are we still using “on fleek”?

Magna looks like an Instagram model. I mean come ON.

My brows seem to start creeping back towards each other before the wax marks have faded, but these ladies have been running around in an apocalyptic wasteland and their arches are still so clean and sharp you could perform emergency surgery with them.

And my feet are, like most regular people’s, a patchwork of healing blisters and callouses and dry skin. But remember how Andrea had a perfect, fresh coat of peachy-nude polish on her toes in her final scene? 

Almost as if she knew there’d be a close-up.

I have enough trouble not looking like a gnarled, furry crone living in a mostly-functioning major city with a salon on every corner, with an income and spare time and never being chased by the undead.

It hasn’t been lost on Twitter, either.

I’m not saying women wouldn’t want to feel and look a bit nice in the apocalypse – I doubt I’d still bother shaving my legs, but I can’t guarantee I’d be above taking a quiet moment to pluck my unibrow if I happened upon a quiet, half-looted Sephora a few months into the end of the world.

But it’s downright silly for these woman to look like they have a team of professional hair and makeup artists trimming and tweezing and shaping and shining – which, of course, they do.

And it’s not just about beauty standards.

It’s also ridiculous when a character who, say, doesn’t have the full use of her hands somehow has hair in neat French braids, or a woman who’s locked in a windowless room with her hands tied is wearing fresh lip gloss, or someone takes the time to not only change into her superhero costume on the way to the emergency but also change her hair and completely reapply her makeup to look more badass.

It just doesn’t make sense.

And it’s not only that it’s unrealistic, to the point of being distracting once you notice it.

It’s downright disrespectful to the hours and the effort women put in to looking effortlessly great every day. That s**t takes time – thousands of hours over a lifetime, even if you’re on the lower-maintenance end of the scale.

And when TV and movie characters walk around with a full face of makeup on but we never see them put it on – when women get out of the shower wearing mascara and wake up with a full contour – it warps our grasp of the difference between what human women’s faces actually look like naturally, and the version of them we create with brow powder and GHDs and the help of trained professionals.

A couple of TV shows recently have highlighted what actually goes into putting on your face. Season one of Amazon’s The Marvelous Mrs Maisel (which is set in the 1950s) has a running bit where the main character goes to bed in a full face, hops up once her husband is asleep to apply thick globs of wrinkle cream and rag-curl her hair – then wakes up before him to reverse the process and put on her blush and lipstick, and pretends to wake up after him, so he’s none the wiser.

Obviously TV and film actresses are going to have fresh blow-dries, perfect skin, and tailored clothing – they’re professionally hot.

But surely we can make their brows look a little less perfect while they’re having their fake grime and sweat applied in the makeup chair.

They’re running from The Walking Dead, not walking the red carpet.

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