Bleats

This Is How To Exact Perfect Revenge On Your Lazy, Lazy Dude

This is how to address the lackadaisical attitudes to household chores, right here.

And a mummy blogger who’d had enough of her husband getting some couch time while she did chores decided this was the moment to exact perfect revenge on her lazy dude and his lackadaisical ass.

Karen Alpert, of the brilliantly named blog Baby Sideburns, gave her recalcitrant husband a list of groceries and sent him out to do fetch them.

And he failed, because none of the things exist.

Specifically:

3 per cent milk, seedless strawberries, fat-free hummus, wheat thins (the ones in the blue box), unsour cream, diet diet coke (you might ask because it’s new), mellow cheese, organic Pop Tarts.

Petty? Oh god yes. Hilarious? Very. A sad indictment on a dude who didn’t ask questions on super-fake looking groceries? Ja.

And the detail about putting her phone on silent before he started calling to ask for help?

And this might seem like a small issue, but the fact is that women are still disproportionately doing the grunt work in modern households, despite often also working full time.

A recent study found that one in four Australian men do exactly zero housework and that the rest of us aren’t exactly stepping up especially well either. Frankly, it’s a wonder that women put up with us at all.

So anyway, if you’re finding yourself the key chorseperson and are looking for tips on how to exact perfect revenge on anyone not pulling their weight in your household, then you have a new patron saint of utterly petty vengeance.

And look, dudes: housework is goddamn work. Do better.

These Wedding Fails Make You Wonder How The Hell They Got To I Do

Some knots are just not meant to be tied.

Think of this as a public service: people are doing terrible wedding fails and you need to be made aware just in case the person you thought you’d love forever suggests them, so you can flee.

See, marriage is an opt-in system which is a) on the decline, b) attracting an older demographic and c) slightly less likely to end with a split than at any time since the Whitlam government brought in no-fault divorce. Hey, stats are fun!

And maybe because of this people are clearly trying to enliven their weddings with trends which can be best described as “terrible, terrible ideas”.

For example:

Gendered Wedding Meals!

Mumsenet.uk got all up in their online grills over a couple who had made his’n’hers menus at their wedding: dudes were served mushroom risotto, roast beef and a chocolate bomb, and dames got a prawn risotto, chicken and a strawberry cheesecake.

And… why? For a start, there’s no vego option there much less vegan and HOW DO YOU EVEN?

Anyway, this led to a cascade of people explaining their own experience with being given chicken for not having a dick and it’s seemingly a thing.

So don’t do that.

Swearing Wedding Invites!

“Plops.”

Nothing screams “this ain’t your grandma’s wedding!” like doing heaps of swears in a wedding annoincement. See, swearing is rude and historically rudeness is inappropriate for weddings, but a couple of total edgelords used a bunch of f-bombs on their invites recently and OH CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?

That’s what a couple did and it immediately hit Facebook for the purposes of judging their terrible etiquette instead of the fact that they’re apparently 14 and showing their mum that they’re not the boss of them.

And then there are more stylistic wedding fails…

Wedding Crocs!

NO.

Just to be clear, this is the shoe. If you’re getting married in the Top End then it’s entirely appropriate to be married by an officially-ordained crocodile. That’s just how Darwin rolls.

However, bridal crocs on the foot-place are the work of Satan. Crocs at a wedding, no matter how fancy, really scream “here’s hoping this marriage sticks but I’m not throwing good money after bad again”.

In any case, can’t we bring back the quiet dignity of Terrible Photoshop for weddings? Mmm, that’s some good weddinging.

Still better than the Cats trailer.

A Shop Tried Shaming People Out Of Using Plastic Bags And It Went So Well They Became A Collectors' Item

So, where can we get these bags now please?

If this was a different sort of a site then this story would have launched a thinkpiece about how we live in a post shame society where people feel no pressure to hide their most venal and disgusting qualities.

But more importantly, I want to know where the hell one might get a bag with “Into The Weird Adult Video Emporium” emblazoned thereon.

See above.

East West Market in Vancouver decided that they would be able to shame their customers into not using plastic bags by putting embarrassing slogans on them.

The problem was that the slogans were awesome and the people started using more bags in an attempt to get them all.

And why wouldn’t they? Sassy fonts, great layout and fake retailers like The Colon Care Co-Op: it’s amazing they don’t already have their own Etsy store.

That said, the market has learned its lesson and is now making reusable tote bags using the designs because what person wouldn’t want to show them off at every possible opportunity?

Hot tip: when you’re trying to make something less appealing to human beings, don’t make it . both brilliant and collectable.

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