Bleats

Apparently Lorde Is In Jail, Which Explains Where She’s Disappeared To This Last Year

#FreeLorde

Here’s a question: where the hell is Lorde?

I know she’s taken a musical hiatus this last year – fair enough, sometimes you need a break to get the creative juice re-flowing – but she’s basically disappeared off the face of the earth.

Lorde hasn’t posted anything on Instagram for over a year and hasn’t attended any huge social or Hollywood events – unless catching the subway counts as a social event.

Again I ask, where the hell is Lorde?

The answer is something right out of a James Bond movie: apparently, Lorde is in jail. Yes, seriously.

According to Lorde fans online, the singer is at risk of serving jail time following an alleged $3,000 fine she refuses to pay to New Zealand authorities.

To save their favourite pop star from serving time behind bars, stans created the Twitter #FreeLorde to raise awareness.

It’s all very random and salacious. It’s also very not true.

It all started with a story courtesy of New Zealand’s Newshub, which explained that the NZ National Party was thinking of creating a policy that fines the parents of children who leave school early and leave their studies incomplete.

The potential fine would be, you guessed it, $3,000.

As Lorde didn’t complete her final year of high school due to her 2013 debut album Pure Heroin taking off, her family would be required to pay the $3,000 fine under the new policy.

Long story short: Lorde isn’t in jail nor is she, or any of her family members, going to jail.

This is good news for her, but it leaves me with even less answers than when I started. If she isn’t in jail and she’s not making new music, then where the hell is Lorde? And what has she been doing for the last year?

Wearing Heels With Activewear Is The Latest Trend If You’re Into Stupidity And Sexism

Just (don’t) do it.

I love my activewear. If it was socially acceptable to go to work in activewear, I probably would. It’s just so damn comfortable and so damn cute and it gives me an excuse to buy matching jackets and sneakers.

But here’s the thing: it’s not socially acceptable to wear activewear everywhere so I don’t do it.

As cute as it is, sometimes I need to level up my look to include a blazer and sneakers rather than gym tights and sneakers.

The common denominator that never changes, however, is sneakers.

Nike, Adidas, Converse, whatever’s your flavour – sneakers are a wardrobe staple. Specifically, they are an activewear staple. That might seem like an obvious statement but apparently it’s not obvious enough because there are people out there who are wearing their activewear with heels.

As in stilettos.

As in these painful things from hell:

I hate u. Source: Giphy

WHY, you ask? Because apparently the only beauty ideals worth achieving are those which make our arses look good, backs ache and fulfil the desires of sexist men.

Also because people are stupid sometimes.

Sometimes there’s no other explanation for it. Source: Giphy

If your brain doesn’t hurt enough just imagining what wearing tracksuit pants and heels looks like, I have some pictures for you. Hopefully these will scare you so much you won’t even think about pairing your favourite tracksuit with high heels.

Can’t say the same for Kim Kardashian though:

NO. Source: Marc Piasecki/GC Images

I could almost forgive her for this except she’s a repeat offender.

She’s wearing fishnets underneath too. Source: Marc Piasecki/GC Images

Parachute trackies are a big (HUGE! GIANT!!) no even when you are wearing sneakers, so this look is a complete train-wreck.

And yet, I can’t look away.

Basically my face. Source: Giphy

Kimmy isn’t the only activewear x heel activist. Hollywood – especially the world of supermodels – is full of people committing this fashion faux par.

Wait, scratch that, this isn’t just a fashion sin, it’s a lifestyle sin. This is not okay in any world, universe, reality thank you very much.

AND YET, BELLA HAS DONE IT:

Got me seeing red. Source: Mehdi Taamallah/NurPhoto via Getty Images

MORE! THAN! ONCE!

See? Heels don’t go with track pants. Source: Pierre Suu/Getty Images

What is this monstrosity?

Hailey, how could you betray me like this:

2005 called, it wants its shoes back. Source: Robert Kamau/GC Images

Seriously, those are the ugliest boots I have ever seen.

But Kendall did one worse by wearing heels and socks. Someone hold me.

IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS FASHION. Source: Gotham/GC Images

Aside from Kim’s tracksuit and Kendall’s socks I admit, these ladies don’t exactly look bad. I don’t want to say they look good but it works.

Then I remember that the only reason it works is because they’re supermodels and have legs taller than my entire body and not a centimeter of birthday cake fat on them and probably came out of the womb wearing activewear and heels.

Also, just because Bella Hadid makes it look somewhat decent does not mean it’s OKAY to wear activewear and heels. Activewear must be reserved for the gym, staying at home, and the occasional Sunday brunch session. Nothing else. K thanks.

The Bottle Cap Challenge Proves Celebs Are Desperate For Attention Like The Rest Of Us

Karate kid, what’s good?

The internet is home to some pretty strange things. Over the years it has birthed obscure challenges like the Cinnamon Challenge, the Mannequin Challenge and the Ice Bucket Challenge. 

Some, like the latter, have been for good causes. But most spawned from stupidity and boredom. 

The latest challenge to hit the net is the Bottle Cap Challenge. I’m not gonna lie- I kinda get the appeal of this one because it’s pretty cool. 

Here’s how it works: a bottle cap is placed on top of the bottle but not twisted shut. The goal is to perform a roundhouse kick and untwist the cap without moving the bottle itself. The videos are shot in slow motion for maximum dramatic effect, of course. 

The Bottle Cap challenge originated in the world of MMA which makes sense, because they’re probably the only people in the world who can perform a roundhouse kick and not pull something. 

The Challenge Was Started by UFC Fighter Farabi Davletchin and, following him, UFC Featherweight Champion Max Hollway who made the challenge go viral by nominating other celebs to give it a crack. 

John Mayer certainly delivered: 

As did Jason Statham and Diplo: 

And Ellie Goulding interrupted the “sausage fest” to show that girls can do it just as good too: 

The challenge is slowly but surely taking over my newsfeed and while I am impressed I also can’t help but roll my eyes- it is the very embodiment of celebrity privilege. Not in the typical sense: I’m not talking about expensive handbags and designer endorsements. 

But only a celebrity would have enough time and patience to indulge such a trivial challenge. Also, it shows just how desperate celebs are for attention.

What started out as a test of sporting ability and skill in the MMA world has developed into a viral trend simply because celebs have to be included. 

It provides instant gratification to other ego- they post a video looking badass in slow motion and watch the excited comments roll in. 

We’ve all been there. Source: Giphy

I judge them but I also low-key want to give this challenge a crack. I’m coming for you, Ellie Goulding. 

#Trending

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