Bleats

This Gorgeous Graph Will Tell You Whether You Are Too Old To Date Leonardo DiCaprio

He gets older, they stay the same age.

Leonardo DiCaprio dates models. It’s a Thing.

It is such an established Thing that Tina Fey made a perfect, instant-classic joke about it when she and Amy Poehler hosted the Golden Globes in 2013.

The most iconic pairing is possibly Leo and Gisele. Their five-year relationship, which lasted from 1999 to 2004, may well have been the first time your pre-teen self truly understood that you would never date Leo.

Mostly because you would never actually have a chance to be in the same room as him, let alone start a conversation, but also because you must be this hot to ride:

But then they broke up not long after her 25th birthday, and you thought: hey, maybe now I’m in with a shot!

…and then he started dating Bar Refaeli.

And that relationship ended when she was 24… and he started dating Blake Lively, then 23.

See a pattern here?

Reddit user u/TrustLittleBrother did. And he’s made a graph that shows in stark, though beautifully designed, detail that Leo is apparently incapable of dating anyone who is not a) a model (or Blake Lively) who is b) aged 25 or under.

(See the original post here.)

He’s now 44, and dating model Camila Morrone – who was a six-month-old baby when Titanic was released in December 1997.

Leo’s a smart dude who’s worth a lot of money and does an enormous amount of philanthropic work, and he’s also far from the first powerful man to have a preference for beautiful women half his age – all of whom are probably also intelligent, funny and kind as well as having perfect, valuable faces.

If he’s happy, who’s to judge?

 

But if you were born in 1995 and still holding out hope, better get on it soon.

You Should Set Up Your Friends, So Here’s How To Do It Nicely

How to Parent Trap your mates like a damn grownup.

You like your friends, right? So why wouldn’t they like each other?

OK, lots of reasons. Anyone who’s ever had an awkward moment at a pub hang knows that just because you click with two different mates, doesn’t mean they’ll click with each other.

But setups are still a great way of bypassing fate and making sure two awesome people meet each other to see what happens. It’s famously how Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, two very busy and well-known people who lived in different countries, were able to, well, see what happened.

When you find yourself talking about the same 80s cult movie or social justice issue with two different friends on two separate occasions, you might get a little little lightbulb moment and open your mouth to ask “Hey, have you met my friend Alex?”

Here’s how you do it without ruining two friendships.

 

Suss it out subtly…

You can ask straight out if they know the person, or you can be sneaky and check to see if they’re Facebook friends, or if they have mutual friends. (Here’s how you do that – it’s super simple.)

Asking them straight out is best, especially if you think they’ll be open to a setup at all – and it’s the best way to make sure they haven’t already met and written each other off as potential paramours.

Then be clear (or don’t)

Check that they’d be open to a straight-up setup before you get the ball rolling. That’s just polite. Tell them you’re going to set them up for a drink if they’re keen, and go from there. No pressure.

With some friends, of course, you need to chuck a sneaky and just invite them to the same gig or party, and then do the intro and hope something sparks. If it does, you can claim credit later; if they hate each other, nobody knows you suck at matchmaking.

 

Do your homework

If you’re reasonably close with these friends then you probably know enough to think they really would get on – and they’re not going to arrive at the date only to find out that they’re politically incompatible, too vegan or not vegan enough, or, disastrously, both tops.

You should know what they’re after in terms of relationships as well. You don’t want to set up your friend who just needs to get laid with your clucky mate who’s trying on the fast track to a white picket fence.

 

Don’t make it sound like a favour

If it’s good enough for Meghan and Harry, a setup is good enough for anyone. It’s not a gesture you’re making out of pity or charity!

Don’t just set up your friend(s) because they need it. Only do this if the idea is just too perfect not to have a go.


But, y’know, do make it sound like a favour

You should be enthusiastic about this person! Channel the fury you felt last time this friend got dumped, where you accidentally flung wine on the pub wall gesturing wildly about how nobody is good enough for her.


Be real about your history

Is this person an ex or an old flame of any kind? Be upfront, or regret it when it eventually comes out – you have to frame it honestly or it’ll sound like you’re giving your mate your hand-me-down sex buddy.

Possibly the most important thing to establish is that you don’t want to bone this person – at all, or any more. You can absolutely be friends with someone very attractive and not want to have sex with them for any reason, but it helps to make this clear.

(The “why” can be a bit more awkward, because it can seem like you’re establishing a standard for yourself that you don’t expect your friend to hold – so if you must explain what the boner killer is for you and why it might not be a dealbreaker for your friend, do it carefully.)

And if you do want to bang either of these friends – not just in a “Oh yeah, I’d go there” way, but you actively desire for their junk to be on or in or around your junk – then shut this impulse down right now. You are trying to Cyrano them. Stop that, grow a spine and deal with it.

 

Do the legwork for them

Unless they want to get in touch directly first, be a little fairy godmother: ask them which nights or afternoons they’re free in the next fortnight, pick the earliest one you can, and tell them where and when to meet (and how nicely to dress).

Nothing takes the romance out of the date-anticipation like having to go back and forth for ages trying to lock down a time. Do that for them, and it will all feel a bit more adventurous.

And then maybe you can start practicing your best man/woman speech.

20 Years Later, How Does The Advice In The Sunscreen Song Hold Up?

Do one thing every day that scares you? Pfft.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 1999: you are old as hell.

Leonardo DiCaprio may still be dating 22-year-olds, but you are not 22, and you will never date Leo. However, a vaguely Romeo + Juliet-related 90s novelty song created by Baz Luhrmann lives on.

It’s 20 years since ‘Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen’ AKA ‘The Sunscreen Song’ became an international hit, spending 11 weeks on the Billboard chart. The song, originally recorded in 1997 but going global in 1999, is made up of a soul sample of a song used on the R+J soundtrack and a trip-hop beat with a list of advice being read over the top by a voice actor.

The advice is often credited to either Luhrmann or, weirdly, author Kurt Vonnegut, but was actually a fake graduation speech that was knocked out in an afternoon by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich in 1997, then went viral (over email) before we had a word for that.

It’s still iconic. Schmich invented “Do one thing every day that scares you”, for Pete’s sake. I had it all typed out in a handwriting-y font and taped to the door of my teenage bedroom. I have followed very little of it, but I’m ancient enough now to have looked at certain bits and gone, “Well, s**t, she was right about that.”

I will rate this advice… now.

“Wear sunscreen.”

Banger. Absolute unassailable classic. Sunscreen rules. The Jimi Hendrix of advice. The Oprah of pro tips.

“Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. “

This one isn’t advice, really – it’s just a vague observation. And not everyone is objectively better looking at 17 or 18 than they are at 40. You get way better at doing your eyeliner, for one thing.

But you do also probably like yourself more, carry yourself with more confidence, and give fewer f**ks about what Jessica S thinks of your outfit – which is all going to make you feel way more powerful and beautiful.

 

“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. “

This has not aged well. If you’re not terrified about the future, you’re not paying attention

The Window Of Opportunity To Stop Climate Change

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”

Does getting out of bed count?

Nah but seriously, every day is a lot of fear. What this mutated Pinterest slogan is really telling you to do is to challenge yourself regularly: take on something new at work, mess with your hair, or talk to your crush (that’s no easier at 30 than at 13, for the record).

So I think once a week is fine, right?

“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.”

Translation: don’t be a fuccboi, and don’t put up with fuccbois. Timeless.

“Floss.”

My dentist says twice a week is better than nothing.

“Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.”

This is true, but man, it’s hard to do.

“Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults.”

Ditto.


“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.”

Nobody has time to feel guilty. We all have four side hustles and are two years from losing our jobs to kids who learned to code in kindy, or a robot.

“Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.”

Well, ⅓ chance, ⅓ conscious choice, ⅓ Facebook algorithm.

“Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it.”

This is the best one apart from the sunscreen. Have an orgasm tonight, if that’s your thing, or go swimming or eat something delicious if it’s not. And f**k the haters.

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on… The older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.”

Questionable. The only people you need are the ones who make your life better, no matter how long you’ve known them. Old friends are great, but only if they’re really friends.

Respect your elders

Reserve this for the old people who haven’t spent their entire adult lives trashing the environment, the economy, the job market, and you.

Travel

Yes. And take as many photos as you want, no matter whether boomer tourists glare at your selfie-ing.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85

Do what you want to your hair. It’ll grow back.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Worth saying twice. Slip slop slap, kids.

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