Bleats

No Joke, KFC's Colonel Sanders Is Now A Smoking Hot Thirst Trap

But would getting with the Colonel be [removes glasses] finger lickin' good?

If you’ve ever lamented that dating apps seem to have gameified dating then it’s possible that the world of dating sims – in which one pretends to be dating a pile of virtual datesmen on dates – is either just what you’ve been looking for or the stuff of your most animated nightmares.

This is especially true if you’ve ever looked at the mascot of KFC and thought “mmmm, he’s hot AND spicy!” Because now he’s available, it would appear, and also Colonel Sanders is now a total thirst trap.

Like all great art, this raises more questions than it answers. And all of those questions are “…the hell?”

Dating sims are starting to make inroads into the English-speaking market but they and the whole otome romance game genre are still largely a Japanese phenomenon.

And a very particular one at that: as EJ Dickson wrote for Daily Dot, the ones available in the west have a very idiosyncratic take on this whole relationship business: “When you play these games, you sort of get the sense they were authored by a 14-year-old girl who regularly writes steamy Divergent fan fiction, but has never actually talked to a boy in her life.”

Mmmm, dreamboat!

And it does seem a little peculiar to promote a snack brand through the medium of convincing people to want to smooch their mascot. But that’s legitimately what is happening as the desktop game I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator comes to Steam on September 24 for everyone that’s ever wanted to compete to be the top fried chicken salesperson and also find salty, bread-coated love.

But this is secondary to the larger issue which is “how the hell is Colonel Sanders so hott?”

I mean, just look at him: a strange amalgam of silver fox and tween heartthrob, making sort of on-brand karage chicken bowl and boldly riding a giant space-borne pepper pot. There’s a lot to take in.

But there you have it: Colonel Sanders is officially now a thing after which you can thirst.

Ball’s in your court, McDonalds. Clearly the world needs Sexy Grimace.

Mmmm, yeah. That’s the stuff.

Instead Of Ghosting That Dud Date, Practice Dumping Them With This Helpful Chatbot

The ghosting in the machine.

Dumping someone you’ve only seen once or twice is tricky. Ghost them and they feel betrayed, but no-one enjoys being broken up with. But what if you had a chatbot who could teach you how to going about dumping a date you don’t wish to see again?

Well, Quartz, bless them, created the Bad Date Bot: a way to sprint through a Rocky-style training montage in how to let someone you’ve been out with know that, in the nicest possible way, they’ve seen the last of you.

You are presented with texts from archetypes which should be familiar to anyone that has dated before – the person with wildly incompatible interests, the person that’s perfectly nice but not for you, the person that’s a sleazy weirdo, and so on.

From there it gives you various options to respond, ranging from the firm-but-kind to straight-up ghosting to shrugging and going on another date and NO THAT’S NOT THE OPTION YOU WANT.

And as you conclude the chatbot tells you what you did right and/or wrong in your date dumping, with reference to some romance expert or other piece of useful intel, and… you know what? As such things go, it’s pretty darn good.

What did I win?

And look, it’s very cute and everything but it also has a genuine practical application, which is to give someone – maybe you! – the confidence to advocate for yourself, and and the words to express that in a respectful way.

And many human beings are very awkward about being upfront about not feeling it – especially the female human beings who are socialised to be deferential to the feelings of male ones.

So go forth, gentle reader, and let the chatbot end make you strong. Soon you’ll be dumping dud dates like a kind, respectful and self-assured HURRICANE.

We Know The Exact Number Of First Dates You Need To Go On To Find The One

The data is in, the numbers have been crunched.

Online dating can feel like a series of diminishing returns where the more you swipe the less you find – but there’s good news in that we know the number of dates you need to go on, statistically speaking, in order to find the right person to give this whole relationship thing a bash.

And that number is nine.

Yes. Nine.

See, online dating services – especially app-swiping ones – play on the same addiction centres of the brain as gambling machines, only these ones have a payout that can include love and/or orgasms and therefore is way better.

Therefore they can drive people to keep on swiping endlessly to see who is out there, according to the expert advice of match.com’s Chief Scientific Advisor Dr Helen Fisher.

She claims that having the endless options that come with dating can actually discourage you from making a decision in case you miss out on something else – what’s called “choice paralysis” – and that you’re better off deliberately limiting the number of dates out upon which you go.

“It’s very known in this community [the dating biz] that the more choices you have the less likely you are to choose anybody,” she told the Sleepwalkers podcast.

And thus she looked at the vast archives of data to which she has access and established the optimal number is to go on nine first dates, and then stop (at least for a while), and try doing follow-up dates with the most compatible person/s from that limited pool.

“So one of the things I say to people is that after you meet nine people, stop and get to know at least one of those people more because all the data show that the more you get to know somebody the more you like them and the more you think they are like you.”

So there you go. Nine first dates, then circle around to the best alternative and see what happens.

And if that doesn’t work… um, take it up with Dr Fisher.

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