It feels like the entire world has just bashfully confessed to one another that now you mention it yes, they too are secretly in love with Keanu Reeves, the charmingly blank-faced A-lister who has become the internet’s bae.
And this attention has made me wonder the important question: is he actually a ghost?
This might seem like a long bow to draw, since at first glance he appears to be a living human man-guy, but the more I think about it the more convinced I am that he is an unquiet spirit caught between two worlds and forever doomed to walk the Earth making action-thrillers until the sun explodes.
HE IS EERILY AGELESS
If you had the right wig and makeup, the dude in John Wick 3 could easily pass for Ted (Theodore) Logan, despite the latter supposedly being more than half the age of the latter in human years.
Assuming Reeves really is a spirit who inexpertly adjusts his appearance to vaguely approximate humankind makes slightly more sense than that he is really a 54 year old man.
God, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton is 48 and who would you say was older?
Exactly.
THERE’S SOMETHING ODDLY SEXLESS ABOUT HIM
For an objectively attractive man who is also an action hero, Reeves just seems above the grubby notions of human copulation.
He doesn’t exude carnality like, say, Brad Pitt or Robert Downey Jr or even James Spader, all of whom seem like they’d be enthusiastically into doing all sorts of filthy things to willing participants.
Reeves seems like he’d invite you back for a nightcap and then you’d eventually find him in the yard gazing with rapt attention at a caterpillar moving gently along a leaf.
And then when you reached out to touch him you’d grasp only air, because…
HE DOESN’T TOUCH PEOPLE
He’s getting praise left and right at the moment for keeping his hands off his fans, especially female ones – but what if it’s not because he’s deeply respectful, but because he’s made of non-corporeal ghost-stuff and knows his hand will just pass through them?
HE SEEMS ODDLY UNCONCERNED WITH THE GOINGS-ON OF MORTALS
In interviews and on screen Reeves shows a range of expressions which drift between “not entirely sure what’s going on” and “person distracted by secret messages being whispered by the cosmos”.
And that makes perfect sense if he’s tapped into some sort of immortal and universal truth that’s far more interesting than the messy, trivial physical world.
Now, admittedly, this isn’t a watertight case. He could actually be a nymph, a merman, or one of the Elven Folk. But our money is still on his being a ghost – and the second we work out how to remove the curse from this enchanted amulet, maybe he will finally know peace.