Bleats

Please Enjoy These IRL Betrayal Stories That Make This Whole Khloe Kardashian Scandal Look Chill

If this scandal has proved anything, it's that no one can resist the allure of the DRAMA.

This week the Kardashian followers and non-believers alike have been foaming at the mouth for the gossip on the familial cheating scandal.

As the story goes, Khloe K’s husband and the father of her child, Tristan Thompson, hooked up with her sister Kylie Jenner’s BFF and honourary Kardashian Klan member, Jordan Woods.

From all the cryptic signs and posts coming out of the various family members, the scandal is all but confirmed and it looks like Jordan is getting the boot from the house, from the Kylie Lip Kit world and from the fandom’s hearts.

It’s red hot and spicy drama, and we’re clearly thirsting for it. Why else would our entire nation be hooked on the wild ride that is MAFS

But the Kardashians are not the only people living a real life soap opera, they’re just the people we hear about. The wonderful world of the internet allows us to indulge in the explosive cheating stories of the general public, and feed our need for scandal.

So please enjoy these IRL stories of betrayal that make Khloe Kardashian’s current situation seem relatively chill.

#1. Khloe’s Situation x 1000

Sure Khloe’s man cheated with her sister’s BFF, but things could be worse.

15 years. Her best friend. The same damn tent. That’s just not right.

#2. At Least She Has All Her Organs

In times of struggle, we must be grateful for what we do have. In Khloe’s case, she at least held onto her kidneys, and Tristan only took away her trust, time, and the promise to be faithful in marriage and parenthood. Lucky Khloe!

#3. This Is A Lot

The second story here is a ride much wilder than the one the Kardashians are currently on. From the pregnancy to the abortion to the money to the car wreck to the CAMPING TRIP.

I repeat, this is a lot.

#4. This Is How You Really Hurt Someone

After discovering that this guy is a dirty little cheater, his ex proceeded to unblock him every week just to send Game of Thrones spoilers before he could watch it.

Straight for the jugular.

#5. This Escalated Quickly

This is some expert-level cheating if this guy managed to sustain three three girlfriends, one wife, with one kid on the way, AND managed to convince girlfriend #1 that she didn’t witness the cheating.

There’s a special place in hell for you mate.

#6. I Wish This Had Happened Within The Kardashian Fam

In a now-deleted Reddit post, one user seeks advice after discovering that his partner is a ‘furry’, i.e. part of the fandom for furry cartoon creatures with human personalities, and yes, it’s a sex thing.

Can you imagine if this happened to one of the Kardashian’s partners? That would make great TV @KrisJenner.

You can read the IRL furry scandal below.

“Me [22M] with my girlfriend [21F] of 7 months, found out she’s a “furry” and in the fandom, got angry when I found out.”

“I was using my girlfriend’s laptop to research stuff, while she was out of the room. Nothing shady, no history diving or anything. It was a situation where the auto-fill came in and revealed that my girlfriend is a furry.”

“There were links to furry social networks, the furry subreddit, furry porn and artwork. I admit I did type in ‘furr’ just to see if that was the case. Lots and lots of links popped up in the search bar. I backspaced and didn’t know what to think, so I left it for a few hours.”

“When it was quiet and we were watching a movie, I asked her if she was a furry. She looked at me sideways with a frown and asked why. I felt bad, but I told her the truth and what I had found. She immediately got up, grabbed her stuff and left. I tried to stop her but she would not say a word to me. This was yesterday evening, still no communication.”

“I know what furries are, and I admit that I have been in situations where people are like, ‘Haha, fucking furries,’ and I have laughed. I don’t know how long she’s been a furry or why she didn’t tell me ever. What do I do?” 

#7. This Is Brutal But Smart

I feel like the Kardashians would actually have a certain level of respect for this cheater, who requested that all FOUR of her boyfriends buy her the same purse for her birthday, sold three for money, and none of the boys had any idea the kind of business strategy they were a part of.

Kris Jenner would be proud.

So once there’s a lull in the Khloe Kardashian betrayal story palooza, just remember that there’s plenty of scandals out there in the world, waiting to fill the drama-shaped hole in your life.

Cows Now Have A Tinder-Style Dating App Because They Need To Get Laid Even More Than You Do

Tudder > Tinder.

While Tinder is a maze of men with fish and unsolicited dick picks, Tudder is a far more wholesome place to find companionship. Unfortunately you can’t add Tudder to the line up of dating apps available to help you hook up or find love or whatever it is you’re after, because Tudder is for cows.

The UK dating app launched recently and already has tens of thousands of profiles of cattle in need of mates, listing their age, location and owner alongside a picture. You swipe right for yes, and left for no, just like Tinder, except the app makes a mooing sound as you swipe.

Farmers even advertise for group dates with multiple cows for the right, right-swiped bull.

While Tudder bases its advertising around the idea of uniting farm animals with their ‘soulmates’, it is functionally an app designed by Hectare Agritech to facilitate farmers in the breeding process.

In order for cows to produce milk they need to give birth to a calf, so dairy farmers rely on finding breeding matches to keep their business going.

Without online match-making services, organising the breeding process takes substantially more time and effort. A Welsh farmer confirmed that apps like Tudder and SellMyLivestock make his life much easier.

“Going to market is a nuisance,” Marcus Lampard told Bloomberg. “If I go to an open market with a bull, and then maybe bring it back, it shuts everything down on the farm for at least two weeks.’’

Since dating apps have successfully infiltrating the cattle industry, Hectare’s CEO Doug Bairner believes its onwards and upwards from there.

“Matching breeding livestock online should be even easier than matching people,” told Bloomberg. “Sheep breeding is similarly data driven so maybe ‘ewe-Harmony’ should be next.”

Now it’s only a matter of time before the cattle-specific dating apps fill up with mirror selfies and the cows long for the good old days of meeting bulls IRL.

Pick Your Favourite Movie ~Love~ Scenes And We’ll Tell You How Thirsty You Are

Let's talk about sex.

If you’re taking this quiz, we will assume it’s because you’re self-identifying as ‘thirsty’. But just how thirsty are you? Let’s investigate.

To determine your sex drive on the spectrum from ‘would go a sip’ to ‘extreme dehydration’, tally up your A’s, B’s, and C’s as you go and whatever letter dominates will reveal your inner truth.

After you complete all ten multiple choice questions you’ll probably want some ~alone time~ to ~reflect~ on your ~results~ if you know what I ~mean~.

Enjoy.

#1. First Base: What’s Your Ideal Kiss?

A) Never Been Kissed: fanfare and an audience on the baseball field.

B) To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: the hot tub scene.

C) Don Jon: goodnight kiss featuring jizz in your pants.

#2. Second Base: Which Scene Do You Vibe The Most?

A) The Ugly Truth: wearing vibrating underwear gifted from your coworker in public is one way to spice up dinner.

B) Moonlight: intimate, mutual handjobs on the beach.

C) 40 Days 40 Nights: the orgasmic power of white Orchids.

#3. Third Base: Which Scene Do Like The Most?

A) Love Actually: Jack and Judy chat over some faux-felatio.

B) Train Wreck: strictly instructed oral.

C) Black Swan: the dream sequence.

#4. Spending The Night Can Be Sexually Charged. How Would You Want To Spend It?

A) Crazy Stupid Love: Ryan Gosling is shirtless, but you fall asleep.

B) Notting Hill: why sleep on the couch when there’s room in bed?

C) Troy: knife to the throat quickly pivots to sex with Achilles, because Achilles is Brad Pitt.

#5. Forbidden Love: Which Scene Do You Find The Hottest?

A) Brokeback Mountain: the no-foreplay-straight-to-it tent scene.

B) Titanic: “Put your hands on me, Jack.”

C) Dirty Dancing: Baby and Johnny slow dance their way into making ~love~.

#6. Which Sexual Agreement Gets You Going The Most?

A) Friends With Benefits: Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, as the title suggests.

B) No Strings Attached: Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman do it better.

C) 50 Shades of Grey: no judgment, but this is basically porn.

#7. Which Non-Human Sexual Encounter Do You Find The Most Alluring?

A) Avatar: intertwining the tendrils.

B) Twilight: Bella and Edward’s honeymoon.

C) The Shape Of Water: fish sex.

#8. First Time: Which First ~Love~ Scene Appeals To You The Most?

A) The Notebook: “It wasn’t over. It STILL isn’t over.”

B) Cruel Intentions: Sebastian and Annette get sensual and sweaty.

C) Blue Is The Warmest Color: 10 minute sex scene. Enough said.

#9. DIY: Which Depiction Of ~Self Love~ Resonates With You The Most?

A) Pleasantville: Betty’s bath time turns her world into colour.

B) American Pie: third base with the pie.

C) Call Me By Your Name: the peach scene.

#10. Foreplay Is Key: Which Scene Gets You In The Mood?

A) Coyote Ugly: Violet stripping to make Kevin understand what stage fright feels like was a sexual awakening.

B) Ghost: who knew pottery could be so hot?

C) Pretty Woman: specifically, the scene when they finally kiss on the mouth. Ooft.

RESULTS

Mostly A’s Thirst Level: All Round Pretty Well Hydrated But Would Take A Sip

You’re not yearning for it or anything but you’re also not about to turn down an opportunity to root. Trying role play, dirty talk, or any new positions probably isn’t at the top of your ‘to do’ list right now but you could possibly be swayed by the right suitor.

Enjoy your hydration level and take advantage of the ability to concentrate your energy elsewhere that you might otherwise not have when you’re a messier, hornier version of yourself. Bon chance!

Mostly B’s Thirst Level: Definitely In Need Of A Tall Glass Of Water

OK mate, let’s cut to the chase, you want to f**k. No shame in it! We wish you well on your sexual ventures.

We pray your drive is satisfied one way or another, so that you may continue to be a functioning human in society and not reduced to a dirty-minded mess. Remember who you are.

Mostly C’s Thirst Level: WARNING EXTREME HYDRATION

You need a drink ASAP!!! If you don’t have someone to hydrate you, hydrate yourself!!!

But seriously how are you getting anything done with your mind so deep in the gutter? You deserve a medal, you horny mess.

#Trending

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