Bleats

Kanye West Really Wants To Play Catch With His Dad, Donald Trump, And Now The White House Is Officially America's Trippiest Sitcom

Say what you will about the unpredictable first season of the Trump presidency, the latest episode is possibly the wackiest yet!

A very special guest star appeared on Donald Trump’s reality presidency in the form of Kayne West, swinging by the White House for a press conference in which he played the president’s zany neighbour.

Things got off to a downright Kramer-esque start when West attempted to involve Trump in one of his harebrained schemes, recommending that Trump replace Air Force 1 with a new plane he’d imagined called the iPlane 1, which is powered by hydrogen and doesn’t remotely exist. Classic Kanye!

And then there was the bit where Kayne explained… well, let’s go to the quote:

“I love Hillary, I love everyone, but the campaign ‘I’m With Her,’ just didn’t make me feel as a guy, who didn’t get to see his dad all the time, like a guy that could play catch with his son. There was something, when I put this [Make America Great Again] hat on, it made me feel like Superman.”

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Hillary Clinton last appeared in the show two years ago so this was clearly a call out for the dedicated fans. But the fact that she’s now being characterised as not enough like a catch-playing dad for Kayne to give his vote is an exciting new twist, and opens up the possibility that Kayne will yet be revealed to be the secret son of the notoriously athletic Donald.

Oh, and also those baseball caps now have… um, magic powers, now, we guess? And somewhat worryingly West also brought up that he doesn’t have bipolar disorder but thought he did because of sleep deprivation. Who writes this stuff?

All in all, it was a solid episode with just a few elements that strained credulity (insisting that Trump needs to be regarded as “the freshest, the flyest” feels like a particular stretch) even given the increasingly unhinged direction the series is going.

Overall, we give it a B. Can’t wait for the Halloween episode!

It’s Friday So Let's Waste Time Using An Online Plagiarism Tool To Change Song Lyrics

These sorts of tools are terrible for writing essays, but a brilliant way to improve Taylor Swift songs.

Spinbot is an online tool designed to help terrible students plagiarise by taking already-written text and substitute synonyms to make one’s theft less obvious.

The downside is, as with all machine learning, it tends to spit out baffling nonsense. In fact, it’s hard to imagine a situation where editing a piece to make a lick of sense would be quicker than just writing your essay in the first place.

And while it’s a terrible way to write cogent articles, it’s unbelievably addictive as a place to enter classic text and see what Spinbot makes of it.

To that end, we asked ourselves “hey, would it be amusing to put song lyrics in?” And the answer is yes.

Yes, it would be.

“Stop, work together and tune in. Ice is back with a fresh out of the plastic new innovation.”

Vanilla Ice, ‘Ice Ice Baby’

“Recently the entirety of my inconveniences were so far away, now it looks just as they’re digging in for the long haul. Gracious, I have confidence in yesterday.”

The Beatles, ‘Yesterday’

“Never going to surrender you, never going to disappoint you, never going to circled and desert you. Never going to make you cry, never going to state farewell, never going to disclose to you deceives hurt you.”

Rick Astley, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’

 

Catchy!

“I’ll never think twice, I’m lightning on my feet. Furthermore, that is the thing that they don’t see mmm, that is the thing that they don’t see, mmm.

I’m moving without anyone else (moving individually), I’ll influence the moves to up as I go (climbs as I go).

What’s more, that is the thing that they don’t know mmm, that is the thing that they don’t know, mmm.”

Taylor Swift, ‘Shake It Off’

“There’s a woman who’s certain everything that sparkles is gold. Furthermore, she’s purchasing a stairway to paradise.

When she arrives she knows, whether the stores are altogether shut, with a word she can get what she desired.

Ooh, ooh, and she’s purchasing a stairway to paradise.”

Led Zeppelin, ‘Stairway To Heaven’

…and so on.  And let’s be honest, nothing makes you appreciate the nuances of language like enjoying classics like Bryan Adams’ ‘Late Spring Of 69’, Adele’s ‘Coming In The Profound’ and Kanye West’s ‘The Majority of the Lights’. And, of course, ‘Infant Shark’.

And send us your best ones. We’ve got time to waste too.

Trump Ordered Photos Of His Inauguration Be Cropped To Not Look Like The Underattended Failure Party It Was

Look, maybe the newly released papers also reveal that all of America had a thing that day.

Sure, this is probably the least important thing imaginable about Donald Trump, especially right at the moment. The president has been connected with two actual honest-to-god felonies, he’s got an investigation drawing ever closer to delivering a report and possible charges, the opposition party is hotly tipped to sweep the upcoming midterm elections and the Trump approval rating has never been lower.

Oh yeah, and then there’s the new book Fear by investigative journalist Bob Woodward, filled with anonymous but on the record interviews with current and former staff, none of which say “Trump is a smart, capable leader that makes good decisions”.

And that was before the so-called “resistance” letter in the New York Times, the author of which Trump is bellowing must be brought before him and charged with treason.

Thus far no-one’s been able to work out who the author is, and let’s be honest: it doesn’t say great things about your leadership abilities if one of your colleagues writes an anonymous piece about how much you suck and days later you still can’t identify which of the hundreds of people with whom you work is responsible.

So against that backdrop the news that Trump demanded photos of his inauguration be doctored to look less embarrassing when compared with the vast turnout for the swearing in of Barack Obama is hardly big news – but for many of us at the time those photo comparisons and the furious denials they inspired from the new president was the first time became clear just how delusional he is.

The Guardian filed a Freedom of Information request with the Department of the Interior in 2017 and – well, let’s let them tell it.

The records detail a scramble within the National Park Service (NPS) on 21 January 2017 after an early-morning phone call between Trump and the acting NPS director, Michael Reynolds. They also state that Sean Spicer, then White House press secretary, called NPS officials repeatedly that day in pursuit of the more flattering photographs.”

After more requests to the photographer for shots which “accurately reflected the crowd size”, or at least as the White House insisted the crowd size, “He said he edited the inauguration photographs to make them look more symmetrical by cropping out the sky and cropping out the bottom where the crowd ended… He said he did so to show that there had been more of a crowd.”

So yes, it’s a tiny thing. But y’know, it was an early indication of what was to come.

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