The following utterly scathing review contains some plot points from Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom which might spoil that film were it possible in any way to make seeing it a worse experience.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is so stupid, so inane, so mind-numbingly bad that it should be the subject of ridicule.
It’s the sort of film that should be released on VHS just so that it may rightly take its place on the straight-to-video shelves alongside the worst of the ‘80s sequels.
This truly is the Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow of the Jurassic Park franchise.
Let’s recap a few of the many moments that form the ingredients for this recipe for ridicule and derision, shall we?
First a paleo-veterinarian – who presumably got her degree by filling in a quite-complicated colouring book – deduces that the only thing that can save Blue is a blood transfusion from another dinosaur with “two or three fingers”.
Fingers are presumably the technical dinosaur term.
This leads to one of the films most promoted action sequences as Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas-Howard have to get into a cage with a T-Rex in order to conduct said blood transfusion. Notably Bryce conducts it because her character once did a blood drive, but Chris who has not had such extensive experience still mansplains the whole thing to her.
This blood transfusion is such bad pseudo-science it makes the conceit of how the dinosaurs are reborn (and gene-spliced) seem positively realistic, but that’s not the problem.
Who was in the script writers meeting where they proposed a blood transfusion for drama? And why was the first and only response not “I think we need to try harder than that”?
Then again there were some other major decisions not challenged by the geniuses in that particular hive of creativity.
Why would the billionaire fund mis-manager behind the daft plan to sell off dinosaurs to underworld criminals bring the dinosaurs TO HIS HOME?
He has the ability to buy whole islands. He has the option to locate this auction literally anywhere else in the world. But he chooses his basement because… what he’s worried about leaving his sugar daddy’s clone daughter-granddaughter alone?
Also, why would you sell off the “prototype” T-rex-Raptor hybrid dinosaur you’d invented on a whim, just because you got offered $30 million… pretty much the same amount you were selling each of the other dinosaurs for.
And speaking of the auction, why do you get a great English actor in to play a foreign auctioneer… only for him to do a dodgy American accent. Was Toby Jones hoping no one would realise it was him?
Another question, if I may.
Was clone-girl meant to be a plot reveal that meant anything? Because for such a laboured plot device it sure had zero impact on the plot of the film. By the time we found out, the dinosaurs were running rampant, the auction was a debacle and the adults she was grouped with barely raised an eyebrow.
Perhaps it was meant to explain why the dinosaur with thousand mile nostrils and senses finely attuned enough to sniff out a plot point in this script, chose to gently attempt to tuck her in rather than, I don’t know, chow down, earlier in the film.
Then again, they’d recently had to pretend a Dino-blood-transfusion was a plausible premise so they may well have given up all rational though.
But for the utmost moment of dumb, surely nothing goes past a Mega-Uber-Super-Duper-Raptor-Rex (I refuse to use the “proper” name) standing on the roof of Stupid Billionaire Manor and …
HOWLING AT THE MOON?!!
Honestly, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a film so bad it could have been great satire had anyone thought to pivot to it.
Instead we got this genetic mutation of a movie, so stupid it hurts, yet still devouring the box office as readily as it chews through a cartoonishly evil hunter’s right arm.
So what have we learned? We will get more Jurassic movies. They will be even stupider.
And THIS proves Jeff Goldblum right. As a species we really are responsible for making the very things that will bring about the downfall of humanity.
He’s really going to Rex those sheets… and it’s still not as scary as the writing in this film