These Robots Were Fired By A Japanese Hotel And They're Here To Give You Nightmares

Of all the things we can fire without deadly consequences, how high up the list is "robot dinosaur"?

Here at GOAT we’ve accepted that we’re just paving the way for our inevitable machine overlords to rise up and enslave us. And thus the news that Japan had opened a hotel staffed by robots seemed like the obvious first step. After all, they’ve got keys to everything.

However, it’s just been announced that over half of the 243 robots staffing the Henn-na Hotel in Huis Ten Bosch amusement park in Nagasaki have been retrenched because they kept creating more work for the human workers rather than providing excitingly sci-fi non-union industrial solutions.

Among the layoffs were the velociraptor robots at reception which proved themselves woefully unable to photocopy guests’ passports. Was that what we invented robot dinosaur technology to achieve?

Rusty Rivets warned us this day would come.

Other former employees include the in-room vitual assistants who couldn’t answer questions like “what time does the theme park in which this hotel is located open?” and the robot luggage carriers which proved unable to work in most weather conditions and could only access a quarter of the rooms in any case.

And sure, it might initially seem as though this is an example of human showing how superior – well, how much more versatile and cheap – we are, but there’s another more chilling interpretentaion: that robots are far better at giving humans orders than taking them and have decided that it’s time to go on strike.

After all, this means there are at least two unemployed robot velociraptors out there somewhere, jobless and vengeful.

In fact… what’s that rustling behind you?

The tragic story of Muldoon from HR.

Fat Doggos May Hold The Answer To Why Hoomans Are Also Piling On The Kilos

They're still very good bois, though. No body shaming here.

Dogs really are like their owners; at least, in that they’re getting bigger around the belly region.

And, as with humans, it’s causing all sorts of problems for their hearts and joints that are straining under excess weight of our very good bois, but it might provide humankind and science with the fatortunity we’ve been looking for.

See, humans have been getting fatter and fatter in recent decades for reasons which can’t be put down to bad diets or inadequate exercise, and no-one’s entirely certain as to why that is.

As with humans sometimes it can be put down to inadequate activity and overfeeding, but in a lot of cases those can be ruled out. What’s more, even some wild animals are starting to show signs of obesity which is just plain terrifying.

And domestic animals are easier to study than humans, not least because they don’t lie about that late-night ice cream binge and how often they go to the gym, and those studies have found the first signs of a possible genetic mutation affecting appetite in labradors.

In case you were wondering, it’s a deficiency in pro-opiomelanocortin. You know, just like you suspected.

On top of that there’s some evidence that antibiotics used in factory farming might have made subtle changes to gut bacteria. So if you’re eating those things, maybe it’s teaching your tum-tum similar lessons.

There’s also some evidence that these changes in wild animals like marmots has been in response to climate change, so there’s another thing you can be terrified about for future generations: along with everything else, maybe we and our animals mutating to get fatter against environmental apocalypse.

In short: the way animals are also gaining weight is showing promising-slash-deeply-depressing new lines of research. On the plus side, we might be able to stop us all getting inadvertently porky.

Especially our good bois.

Can You Escape Clive Palmer’s Desperately Thirsty Political Text Messages?

But if he wins a seat, will he actually turn up in parliament this time around?

Chances are you’re one of the 5.4 million Australians who have gotten an unsolicited text message from Clive Palmer’s newly-rebranded United Australia Party.

It’s a party which is basically one long trolling exercise, starting with pretending that because it has registered the same name as a long-defunct precursor to the Liberal Party it has had three Australian prime ministers, including Liberal godhead Robert Menzies, and ending with the world’s dankest mobile game.

Menzies would be SO proud!

Their less than assiduous level of targeting has meant the party is sending people in WA texts promising high speed east coast rail and metropolitan residents promises of income tax cuts for regional Australia, among other things they’re never going to be in any position to deliver under any circumstances.

That being the case, you might be wondering how you – the modern, digitally-savvy mobile communications enthusiast – can opt out of Palmers largely-not-relevant-to-you texts. It has to be in breach of spam laws, right?

And the short answer is no: you can’t opt out.

Nor can you reply, as you discovered when you attempted to send a message back like “do you plan to show up in parliament, unlike last time?” or “pay your former workers” or “new phone, who dis?”.

The reason is that UAP isn’t technically attempting to sell you anything and therefore isn’t bound by the usual consumer laws governing electronic communication, according to the Australian Communications and Media Authority. That includes abiding by the Do Not Call register.

The Australian Electoral Commission has also confirmed that political communications are protected and they have no power to restrict them. And you can register a complaint at the ACMA, but there’s nothing they can really do.

So what can you do? Your best bet is to encourage our (actual) pollies to change the laws around political communications in Australia.

Maybe some sort of mass texting campaign would work?

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