Bleats

Where Are People Storing All These Ridiculous Single-Use Kitchen Appliances?

Why is it always eggs?!

Cable TV and free-to-air breakfast shows have one awful thing in common, and it’s advertising for unnecessary products.

Some infomercials have become so infamous that they’ve established a cultural zeitgeist, and ads for kitchen appliances are often the worst of a bad bunch.

Mainly because as useless as they are, you know that your ageing mother is filling her home with them as you read this.

Sometimes, these cursed objects are both a massive waste of space and an unholy crime. Such as the case of the vertical egg cooker.

Looking into it is like staring into the void, only things do reemerge from it (and you’ll wish they hadn’t). No one needs a long egg on a skewer! You don’t need to eat an egg like a shish kebab! It’s not okay! Just make a damn omelette like the rest of us!

Source: Ebay

And speaking of pointless egg-related purchases, have you seen ‘Egglettes’? How can you be so pedantic about eggshell that you’d rather boil your eggs in silicon condoms than in their natural sheaths?

Don’t even get me started on the ‘ShakeNegg’ and its ‘unique cooking dome’ technology (spoiler: it’s a lid) which is somehow even more unnecessary – y’all, eggs are not supposed to be this complex!

Go one step further and you find yourself in the realm of the gadgets made to accommodate peak laziness, things like the ‘Nutrislicer’ or ‘Nicer Dicer’, which despite the enticing names are essentially an automation of the most basic cooking skill there is – cutting. Just use a knife you demons!

Let’s not forget to shame the ‘Pasta Boat’ here either – you cannot fool me into thinking that’s anything other than a plastic container. I’m not even convinced that strainer would work without all your spaghetti flowing out and down the sink.

Debra, please. They’re just onions. De-stress.

Then there’s a special variety of products I like to call ‘Things I Want And Don’t Need’, all of which are hyper-specialised gadgets that get used a handful of times at best, before being wedged in a corner to accrue dust til the next garage sale.

In this category you’ll find popcorn machines, ice-cream machines, yoghurt makers, doughnut makers, pancake makers, deep fryers, air fryers, fondue fountains… the list is endless.

Pretty much any baked good you can think of has an accompanying cooker, all of which are basically mini ovens with specifically shaped grooves.

They’re great for a party trick and not much more, but boy oh boy is it easy to get addicted to collecting them. And I am 100% certain they only exist so you can gift people with an eternal burden.

Me being crushed to death by all eighty of my appliances sometime in the near future.

But the cream of the crop (ha, food pun) has to be *drumroll* the ‘Hover Cover’. I have no words for how mad this makes me. Every selling point is something that you could achieve with anything that isn’t this product. Look, I’m just going to embed the ad and let you draw your own conclusions.

Where To Buy The Apothecary Table From Friends, And Other Non-Stop Nostalgia Homewares

It's like you're in the TV while watching the TV, or something.

When you’re in search of unique, fun furniture, a flea market is probably a good bet. But much to Phoebe’s chagrin (we would assume), the only place to get a perfect replica of Friends’ most iconic props nowadays is Pottery Barn. For the show’s 25th anniversary, the U.S. furniture chain is selling 14 exclusive pieces, many of which haven’t yet been revealed.

Getting a nostalgia kick doesn’t always mean waiting for a big anniversary though. If you, too, love to live vicariously through fictional characters to fill the emptiness in your life, then boy do I have some interior design suggestions for you!

IKEA also capitalised on pop culture this year, with a marketing campaign proving that you can recreate iconic sets from Friends, Stranger Things, and another ’90s kids’ classic – The Simpsons. Sure it requires a bit of elbow grease to achieve any accuracy, and you might need to do some serious squinting IRL to see the resemblance, but outside of the colour I’d say this ‘Knislinge‘ couch is pretty damn close to the original. Added bonus – won’t bankrupt you.

Without paying thousands for original Hollywood props, you have to put some work in to achieve some of the grander stylistic choices of the cult classics. If the bold aesthetic of the Black Lodge in Twin Peaks inspires you, there are plenty of creators who’ll make you a throw pillow reflecting that iconic black-and-white carpet design. Or you could roll up your sleeves, and DIY whatever you like. Might even want to resurface your floor if you’re a David Lynch diehard.

Ever thought about how your kitchen could do with a little bit of magic? ThinkGeek have the Potterheads covered, because they’re selling dinnerware that doubles for divination class. Don’t panic if your cereal spells death – the Grim was already printed on the bottom of the bowl.

Are you, like many of us, lamenting the old days of Disney when everything was expressively animated and Robin Williams was voicing the Genie? Relive the glory days with a rather accurate replica of the magic carpet in a miniature, tea towel form. Perhaps not as fun as the real thing but I would wager that it’s slightly more useful (and less skittish).

And what better way to prove your dedication to your adolescent screen heroes than by appropriating them for your personal items? Live out your fantasy of being held at gunpoint by Samuel L Jackson and embrace the irony of the BMF wallet from Pulp Fiction. Use that to store your drivers license and upgrade your license plate to go with it – be the Fresh Prince you always wished you were cool enough to be with this recreation from that instantly recognisable opening theme. For legal reasons, I don’t recommend actually whacking it to the front of a cab and driving it around though.

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