Bleats

If You Didn’t Change Your Undies Today You’re Not Alone, Sadly

If you've ever wondered "ewww, what the hell is that stench?" then we have some horrible data for you.

Look, we don’t want to pant shame anyone but if you started the day without a change of undies then… look, you can do better.

In fact, a statistically significant number of you are apparently not changing your intimates every week and that’s just horrifying, although also explains why the bus smells like that.

And it’s a story which we’d like to take with a pinch of salt, if only to do something to help disinfect the manky dacks which are apparently being worn all over the shop.

The survey from which this statistic is taken, you see, is an American underwear company – and you might justifiably think it’s coming from a place that has a pretty active interest in people buying more underwear.

But even if we assume that Tommy John’s numbers might be a little skewed in favour of greater smalls-purchases, the idea that 45 per cent of Americans are not wearing fresh underwear daily and that 13 per cent of them are wearing them for a week or more is cause for worry.

Women are rather more assiduous about changing their pants than are men, which should surprise literally no-one. But even so, there’s little about this story which should give people relief or happiness.

And there’s a reason you should wash your undies and why shouldn’t hang onto them for years on end: they’re hugging a high-bacteria part of your body, some of which can get a bit… well, infecty.

In any case: maybe give your dacks a bit of a bonus scrub, or treat yourself to a new tighty-whitey three-pack, gents.

But at the very least: different crotch-fabric each day, please. Society doesn’t ask that much of you, at least do this small thing for us.

This Pub Will Pay For Your Headstone If You Die From Their Meals Which Is The Opposite Of A Selling Point

Is the idea that you're killing your customers considered awesome marketing?

Historically if a pub thought its menu would kill you they would not advertise the fact, but the George Pub and Grill in County Durham, UK, has decided to embrace the fact. More specifically, they’re offering to pay for your headstone if they kill you with their meal.

It’s the selling point of their Big Ben Number 10, a ten-patty burger that clocks in at 12,000 calories. For comparison, that is too many calories and no, just no.

Publican Craig Harker told the Daily Mirror that “With over 12,000 calories, the meal comes with a warning to eat at your own risk, but there’s some compensation – if it kills you, we’ll pay up to £500 for your headstone.”

It’s a competitive eating challenge and seemingly has only been successfully attempted by competitive eaters. To be clear: when we say “successfully attempted” we mean in the sense of the meal being completed, not that only competitive eaters survived the experience. Although we can’t be certain.

The Big Ben Number 10 burger also costs £28.95, which is over $50 in Australian money. A headstone, meanwhile, starts at around $2k so you could probably make a decent dent in the cost by not eating $50 burgers on the regular.

Also, £500 isn’t going to be nearly enough if indeed one does cark it, so stop squibbing out on the headstone, Harker. How likely are you going to be called on it it anyway?

After all, one judge reckons cutting down on steaks will get you a house, so maybe the real problem here is meat?

Their head of marketing.

The pub has only recently reopened after nearly burning down, although there’s no suggestion that the fire was vengeance for putting people at culinary risk.

In any case, we advise that if a pub offers you a meal with a side order of headstone then rethink your dinner plans.

Mondays Are Bad But At Least You’re Not Being Sprayed With Poop Like These Poor Souls In Spain

Crap start to the week.

No-one enjoys schlepping into work at the beginning of another stressful week, but there are some things which make that journey easier – like, for example, not being sprayed with poop.

That’s what folks in the Costa Blanca region of Spain got to enjoy when a sewerage pipe burst and started vomiting up an estimated 56,000 litres of human waste onto a busy thoroughfare, right next to the major Zenia Boulevard shopping precinct and beach resort.

Bet that did wonders for their walk-up traffic.

Do you smell what the Rock is… um, never mind.

The environmental s***show involved semi-treated sewerage destined for fertilising crops bubbling over several lanes of traffic.

And thus did cars hurtle through the several-inch-deep flood, helping distribute tidal waves of excrement – a poonami, if you will – upon hapless pedestrians, many of whom were holidaymakers whose Yelp reviews were about to get a lot less glowing.

The slurry also made its leisurely way through the hastily-build sand bag barriers to the Cala Bosque beach, which wasn’t ideal for the peak of the tourist season.

Reportedly sunbathers were “fleeing” the semi-treated sewerage, although more because of the smell than because it was gushing over them. Which seems very fair.

So, as you sit on your stationary bus on the way home in motionless traffic tonight – or walking along dodging road-water as cars roar past – comfort yourself with the thought that it could be worse.

Like, sprayed with poop worse.

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