It’s no secret that the reception to the latest entry into the Harry Potter canon, the JK Rowling-penned Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald, was decidedly meh if the mediocre reviews, middling fan reaction, and underwhelming amount of money earned (relatively speaking) was anything to go by.
Since it seems like the films are dramatically slipping in quality, perhaps it’s time Rowling hand the keys to the Harry Potter kingdom to someone who can do it justice.
Luckily, the very talented Rachel Bloom has an idea that will make Potterheads everywhere extremely happy while also making up for the mess that was Fantastic Beasts 2: a Dumbledore and Grindelwald porno.
I will fully fund this pornographic film lmk https://t.co/aDujbke7iZ
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) March 17, 2019
Okay, here’s the context that led us to this marvelous idea from the creator of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
During the commentary for the Fantastic Beasts 2‘s BluRay release, Rowling goes out of her way to tell everyone that Dumbledore and Grindelwald totally boned, seemingly to make sure that fans know that there really are gay characters in her wizarding world.
After Rowling’s little revelation, some fans weren’t too happy with her attempts to retroactively shoehorn some LGBTQI representation into the Harry Potter universe.
J.K. Rowling Confirms Some Characters in Her Books and Movies Are Gay Everywhere Except in the Books or the Movies https://t.co/Y5gcbMWNB9
— Eric Tha Snider (@EricDSnider) March 16, 2019
The thing that bothers me most about Rowling going into the “intense sexual relationship” of Dumbledore and Grindewald is that after being criticized for glossing over queer characters except in interviews, she reduced calls for real queer rep to “give us kinky sex details!”
— Exorcising Emily (@exorcisingemily) March 17, 2019
jk rowling can log on here and tweet “dumbledore was a dom top” all she likes but the fact remains she actively leaves out any LGBT rep in her books and films so her profit isn’t affected
— laura (@lauraw97_) March 17, 2019
In response to Rowling’s Dumbledore and Grindelwald boning reveal, Bloom tweeted out her “pitch” of a porno with those two characters.
Now this clearly came about as a joke but Bloom may actually be onto something here.
Pitch: yes it should be hardcore but with an Oscar-worthy screenplay
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) March 17, 2019
Also, it’s canon that McGonagall loved a Muggle. If that isn’t a b-story then I QUIT the porn screenwriting business.
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) March 17, 2019
I don’t want people to masturbate TO it. I want people to masturbate WITH it.
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) March 17, 2019
The whole point of film is to show don’t tell, and seeing as how Rowling seems to have a big problem with the showing part in regards to LGBTQI representation in Harry Potter, why not take Bloom’s idea and lean right into it?
Okay maybe not quite up to the level of porno since Warner Bros. will never allow it, but something along the lines of Call Me By Your Name with Dumbledore and Grindelwald as the main characters would be fantastic. A dramatic shift like this will be the shot in the arm Harry Potter needs and will go quite a way in recapturing some of its former glory.
The more we talk about it, the more I want it to happen so if you’re reading this, JK Rowling, please let Rachel Bloom do her magic and make the future Oscar-winning wizarding drama Call Me By Your Wand.