Bleats

Gwyneth Paltrow's Ridiculous New Health Fad Is Making Your Most Basic Veg Super Exxy

It's the new avocado.

Step aside, avocado: there’s a new status vegetable in town eating into your house deposit savings.

The latest Goop-approved, Miranda Kerr-endorsed “”””health”””” drink is comprised of… celery juice. And nothing else.

 

The idea is that you start your day by drinking nearly half a litre of pure, fresh celery juice – literally an entire bunch’s worth – with nothing else added, and then your skin will clear, your crops will flourish, Mercury will exit its retrograde early and you’ll find a $50 note in your jeans pocket. (Which should all compensate for the constant diarrhoea, right?)

The fact that this “miracle tonic” is advocated by a guy who calls himself a “medical medium” who’s guided by “Spirit” and says celery-water can cure autoimmune diseases clearly hasn’t put off tens of thousands of people who are running to their nearest juice bar to order Big Gulps of the stuff.

As a result, the price of celery is up 300%.

As the Guardian reports, celery was usually solid at around $1 a kilo, but the price is now hitting $2.60/kg and even $3 when supplies start running low due to crop damage.

Previously, the most expensive celery can get is due to the waste of money that results from you virtuously buying half a bunch and then letting to rot to slime in your crisper while you order UberEats again.

And the most luxe thing about celery has been the urban myth that all the supermodels eat it because it’s “calorie neutral” i.e. that eating it takes more energy than it puts in. (Not true, btw.)

It definitely takes way too much work, and even in stick form, is a deeply inferior dipping implement to cucumber and carrot. It’s always the last one left. You know it’s true.

It’s an inherently s**t vegetable. Literally the only good way to prepare it is to dice it finely and mix it into a delicious, mayonnaise-heavy chicken salad sandwich filling for tiny green crunches.

It’s the only vegetable you can’t improve by grilling or roasting it. (Yes, you can grill lettuce.)

But now it’s a bougie status vegetable. So get ready to reallocate your smashed avo budget for celery juice tonics at your favourite cafe, and prepare yourself for Antoni to spend all of the next season of Queer Eye teaching people how to make celery guacamole or something.

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