Gwyneth Paltrow’s modern lifestyle brand, Goop, is a consistent source of entertainment. It seems distinctly targeted at very, very rich people who have run out of things to do with their money, and so, need assistance.
Which brings us to the Goop Holiday Gift Guide. There are 12 different gift-guide subcategories full of insanely extravagant gift ideas that range from crystal drinking straws to an actual village.
While this kind of wild flash of wealth should logically enrage a class war, the Goop gift guide gets away with it every year because it seems to be widely accepted as a theatrical source of curiosity and amusement.
I have been awake for seven hours.
Alexa is sharing the GOOP gift guide. Its contents make me think I am hallucinating in a sleepless delirium.
I fear I am not.
— Ben Jackson (@DadoftheDecade) November 18, 2018
Plus it reads like a vision board of dumb sh*t you can dream of affording if you ever get stupid rich.
Okay like, down with capitalism and all that jazz, but if I had the funds I would not hesitate in buying everything on the Goop holiday gift guide.
— mel. (@melisa_okanovic) November 19, 2018
In all fairness, there are a few charitable gifts sprinkled through the guides, and it’s not all bad. But it’s mostly verging on crazy.
So here are the highlights of this year’s Goop Holiday Gift Guide, which proves there are ways to spend money that I never knew existed.
Kicking off with the aforementioned crystal drinking straw, which is actually pretty baller and at least an environmentally friendly alternative to disposable straws.
Ladies and gentlemen I present the goop gift guide pic.twitter.com/ZKLlzVycEj
— Hillary Kelly (@HillaryKelly) November 15, 2018
But if you’re really looking to impress, why not get that special someone a village in Lugo Spain, “for when it takes a village.” Just US$172,910! Bargain!
Or if a single village seems a bit dull, nothing says Merry Christmas like a global private jet expedition.
Also apparently rich people smoke actual golden rollies. We should have known.
Experience gifts are all the rage, and this ‘Muse For A Day’ ~experience~ let’s you live in the illusion that you are actually special. Wow! Paying someone to find you interesting! A dream come true!
(Legit though I would take this gift in a heartbeat.)
How to send your kid away to boarding school and disguise it as a Christmas present: Goop has you sorted.
I hope one day I am reincarnated and come back as a boujee-ass baby who wears cashmere baby socks. I’ll be praying.
Also a crown. All babies need crowns.
happy to report that goop's gift guide has in no way been impacted by social or political pressure and includes this $38 baby crown pic.twitter.com/wfGDNuVsGa
— hamhamham (@robotafterbirth) November 16, 2018
Is breakfast with giraffes actually something I want or have I been brainwashed by the Goop guide: a thesis.
The @goop guide is next-level ridiculous. $7K for a surfboard! A marble dumbbell! An entire Spanish village?! It's so ridiculous, I can't even…. wait, I can dine with giraffes??
*adds item to wish list* pic.twitter.com/YRyGj7pzJ3
— Rekha Muddaraj (@RekhaKHOU) November 19, 2018
File this one under discreetly kinky Christmas presents. Not safe for work Christmas Kringle.
I’m really just here for the comment on this one:
So that’s just a glimpse of some of the creative ways you can blow away your money when you’re exorbitantly rich. Happy Capitalist Christmas everyone.