Bleats

Somehow, It’s Impossible To Hate The Theatrical Extravagance Of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Holiday Gift Guide

Gather ye peasants for we have been granted a peek into how the other half/1% lives.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s modern lifestyle brand, Goop, is a consistent source of entertainment. It seems distinctly targeted at very, very rich people who have run out of things to do with their money, and so, need assistance.

Which brings us to the Goop Holiday Gift Guide. There are 12 different gift-guide subcategories full of insanely extravagant gift ideas that range from crystal drinking straws to an actual village.

While this kind of wild flash of wealth should logically enrage a class war, the Goop gift guide gets away with it every year because it seems to be widely accepted as a theatrical source of curiosity and amusement.

Plus it reads like a vision board of dumb sh*t you can dream of affording if you ever get stupid rich.

In all fairness, there are a few charitable gifts sprinkled through the guides, and it’s not all bad. But it’s mostly verging on crazy.

So here are the highlights of this year’s Goop Holiday Gift Guide, which proves there are ways to spend money that I never knew existed.

Kicking off with the aforementioned crystal drinking straw, which is actually pretty baller and at least an environmentally friendly alternative to disposable straws.

But if you’re really looking to impress, why not get that special someone a village in Lugo Spain, “for when it takes a village.” Just US$172,910! Bargain!

https://twitter.com/soniasaraiya/status/1063135443242418176

Or if a single village seems a bit dull, nothing says Merry Christmas like a global private jet expedition.

Also apparently rich people smoke actual golden rollies. We should have known.

Experience gifts are all the rage, and this ‘Muse For A Day’ ~experience~ let’s you live in the illusion that you are actually special. Wow! Paying someone to find you interesting! A dream come true!

(Legit though I would take this gift in a heartbeat.)

How to send your kid away to boarding school and disguise it as a Christmas present: Goop has you sorted.

I hope one day I am reincarnated and come back as a boujee-ass baby who wears cashmere baby socks. I’ll be praying.

Also a crown. All babies need crowns.

Is breakfast with giraffes actually something I want or have I been brainwashed by the Goop guide: a thesis.

File this one under discreetly kinky Christmas presents. Not safe for work Christmas Kringle.

I’m really just here for the comment on this one:

So that’s just a glimpse of some of the creative ways you can blow away your money when you’re exorbitantly rich. Happy Capitalist Christmas everyone.

Ranking My Favourite Plot Holes In Vanessa Hudgens’ Christmas Romcom Masterpiece The Princess Switch

I love this glorious mess of a movie.

The cheesy Christmas romcom season is well and truly upon us and Netflix’s most recent release, The Princess Switch, does not disappoint. It’s every bit as unapologetically bad as we hoped and it’s extremely enjoyable to watch.

However they got Vanessa Hudgens to star in this Parent Trap/Cinderella extravaganza (?$$$?) it was all worth it so that we could sit around and lovingly roast all 100 minutes of this film.

So now, to celebrate our newfound love for what will forever be known as ‘That Vanessa Hudgens Christmas movie’, it is time to rank the many, many plot holes that stole my heart and made The Princess Switch a certified masterpiece. Here we go.

*Spoilers ahead, obviously*

#17. Stacy is a sh*t friend.

Why has Kevin been friends with Stacy for so long when she’s clearly not a very good friend to him? When Margaret asks about Kevin, Stacy literally rolls her eyes and says, “Kevin is like a puppy, if you’re nice to him, he’ll follow you anywhere.”

I mean WOW Stacy be careful you’re letting your sociopathic personality show.

Plus did you see the look of surprise on Kev’s face when Margaret-pretending-to-be-Stacy acknowledged he existed to that reporter? Seems like Stacy doesn’t make a habit of sharing the credit for their work. Seems like Stacy kinda sucks.

#16. Who is this old guy?

There is no magic in this movie so how does this random fairy-godfather-type character fit in? Is he stalking them? Should we be worried?

#15. How is this kid so smart?

Olivia figures out that Stacy switched places with a Duchess who just happens to look identical to her just from some burnt toast and a single caller ID. I mean HELLO child genius.

#14. Why not just tell Kevin?

Honestly if the kid can know, what’s the harm in telling Kevin too? Save him the trauma of believing that his long-time friend has suddenly developed feelings for him. #SaveKevin.

#13. Is Vanessa Hudgens not getting cold???

Real talk it is snowing girl??

#12. The Duchess’s wardrobe is hella spicy.

I’ve seen enough tabloid stories about Meghan Markle to know that someone in Margaret’s position probably wouldn’t dress in these racy outfits. But damn they are a huge mood. You do you Margaret.

#11. Why not just tell someone that the blender has a broken wire?

Literally they would just find you a blender that works. Boom. No lumpy Raspberry drama. Getch’ya head in the game Stacy.

#10. Did they even really need to switch places?

If someone is walking around looking identical to Margaret and not getting hassled, then surely Margaret can just chuck on some plain clothes and have a wander? No?

Willing to let this one go because Margaret had a busy schedule and also I love switching places storylines.

#9. Both of them falling in “love” within 48 hours.

Zero chill!!!

#8. Is anyone really that impressed with those mediocre music skills?

When Edward and Stacy play that 8-year-old level piano piece, everyone acts like they just performed Mozart’s Jupiter Symphony. Did they hear the same sh*t we did? 

#7. Stacy not being attracted to Kevin.

Margaret: “Have you ever seen Kevin with his shirt off?”

Stacy: “Ew Kevin? No!”

Yea OK Stacy.

#6. The twin thing.

The whole distantly-related-but-somehow-identical trope will never get old. It is the greatest gift special effects has ever blessed us with.

#5. When Margaret cries after watching A Christmas Prince.

I actually respect Netflix for putting last year’s cheesy Christmas romcom of the year within this year’s cheesy Christmas romcom of the year, and then having Vanessa Hudgens brought to tears by their own movie. They are trolling and it’s great.

#4. Why is Margaret being so messy?

The fact that Margaret could have told Prince Edward what was going down while they were sitting on the bench but instead makes it all unfold on live broadcast at the baking competition is iconic.

I’m actually not sure this is a plot hole. I think Margaret low key just lives for the drama.

#3. Vanessa Hudgens doing a British accent.

Talented. Brilliant. Incredible. Amazing. Show stopping. Spectacular.

#2. Kevin being shirtless…

Princess Switch

…And that not leading to sex? 

#1. Prince Edward’s haircut.

There is a bizarre distance between Prince Edwards ears and Prince Edwards hair.

It brings me immense joy. That is all.

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