Bleats

Gwyneth Paltrow Says She 'Didn't Understand' She Couldn't Just Make Things Up For Her Goop Website

Someone's got jade egg on their face.

Gwyneth Paltrow dabbles in acting in the odd superhero movie.

But the rest of the time, she’s steaming her vagina, inventing yogagetting sued for telling people to put jade eggs up their vaginas, getting a Netflix show anyway, or recommending you buy your mum a casual Spanish village for Christmas – and then periodically having to explain all of the above.

At a talk at South by Southwest festival in Austin, Paltrow revealed that many of the more bizarre moments Goop is famous for actually happened because they thought they could just kind of make s**t up.

“We didn’t understand that you can’t make certain claims,” Paltrow said.

“We just thought we were like, writing a blog.”

Good to know Gwyneth holds herself to such a rigorous editorial and commercial standard.

 

She called the jade egg settlement a “painful lesson” and added that team Goop “just like to ask questions”.

Paltrow said the brand has now hired “a regulatory team and in-house scientists and lawyers”, and they’re “all buttoned up”.

She was also asked about her appearance on Saturday Night Live over the previous weekend, where she cameoed as a Goop employee who can’t explain what an expensive jar of salt scrub actually does (“As we all know, salt is angry sugar”).

Paltrow explained that it is also important to have a sense of humour when you’re being criticised and sued for being full of it.

“As they say in Buddhism, to live is to struggle, to suffer. And so I think you really have to have a sense of humor about it as you go through it.”

I guess if you’ve already got a jade egg up your vag, it’d be a bit uncomfortable to have a stick up your arse as well.

The Latest Hippie Scam To Make You Feel Bad About Your Vagina Is This 'Exfoliating, Tightening' Jamu Stick

Record-breaking levels of nope.

From cosmetic surgery to bleaching your labia, there are loads of ways to “fix” the hideous outsides of your terrible, disastrous genitals.

But did you know there can be things wrong with the inside of your bits that have nothing to do with being healthy and doing the job a vagina is designed to do?

For example, the makers of the “Jamu Stick” think they need exfoliation.

https://www.twitter.com/babypizzagaga/status/1101242101117931520

There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin.

For one thing, exfoliation is removing dead skin, and the lining of the vaginal canal is not made of skin.

You cannot exfoliate it – it’s a mucous membrane covered in self-refreshing epilethial cells. It’s like trying to exfoliate your tonsils.

For another, some people like a smooth vulva – whatever blows your hair back. But is a smoother vagina really something you’re after? Is anyone who has vaginal sex actually sitting around going “Well, this is fun and all, but it would be better without all this annoying friction!”

And putting random junk in your vagina is way more likely to mess with the pH balance and the flora that keep it healthy than it is to “fix” it.

And you do not need to put any expensive hippie scam up your vagina to “tighten” it. You can’t “tighten” it anyway – what you’re talking about there is strengthening your pelvic floor, which is not just about giving penises a more special hug but a good thing in general for your reproductive and pee-related health.

I repeat: you do not need a Gwyneth-approved jade egg to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doing your kegels is free.

The product is still online on the company’s own website, but has been removed from Etsy, with a spokesperson telling HuffPost UK: “As outlined in our policies, we do not allow content that promotes prohibited medical claims.”

Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like your vagina is dirty or not good enough.

Vaginas are self-cleaning.

You do not need to wash them, douche them, scrub them, scrape them, or put anything up there that isn’t either collecting blood or giving you orgasms.

A Teenager Fell Into A Coma And Woke Up With A Baby And That's Just The Start Of The Story

Prepare for your jaw to hit the floor.

We’ve all heard tales of people who went into labour not even knowing they were pregnant – there’s even a whole show about it. But this latest one is next level.

18-year-old college student Ebony Stevenson went to bed with a headache in early December, and was then hospitalised when she began having seizures.

The paramedics then told her shocked mother that the unconscious teenager was pregnant and suffering from the potentially fatal condition pre-eclampsia, despite showing no signs of pregnancy – until Stevenson’s mother noticed there was, in fact, a bump.

The seizures were so intense that it’s thought the baby shifted so the bump was suddenly visible.

How was she able to carry a baby to full term without knowing?

Not only did she not have a visible bump or any morning sickness, it turns out she also has a rare condition called uterus didelphys – meaning she has two wombs.

One at the front, which had continued her regular periods, and one toward the back, which had grown – and hidden – the baby the whole time.

The baby was born by emergency caesarian section just three hours after the first seizure – and the first Stevenson knew of it was when she woke up from her coma several days later, and her newborn daughter was placed on her chest.

“Meeting my baby was so surreal. It felt like an out-of-body experience,” she said, according to the BBC.

“It sounds awful now, but I asked them to take her away as I was so confused and sure they’d made a mistake.”

“But my mum explained it all to me while the nurses were there and they gave my little girl back to me to hold properly for the first time.”

She named the baby, who weighed 3.45kg at birth, Elodie.

“I worried I wouldn’t bond with my daughter because I had no time to get my head around her arrival, but I think she’s amazing.”

“It’s an absolute miracle. I wouldn’t change Elodie for the world.”

Stevenson is studying sports physio in Manchester, and plans to go back to uni this month.

Meanwhile, I’m typing this with one hand and booking a gynaecologist appointment with the other so I can be checked for an extra uterus and/or surprise baby.

#Trending

Show More Show Less

Follow Us