Bleats

According To Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow Is Actually Responsible For Making Yoga Popular

Can you believe?

Gwyneth Paltrow has created an empire out of selling a wacky, white-washed version of reality, and the stuff that comes out of her mouth and business often feels like some kind of farcical parody. But it is not.

While some things, like the (ridiculous) Goop Holiday Gift Guide, seem relatively harmless, Gwyneth’s recent comments about Yoga are something else entirely.

Pretty much, in a feature with Wall Street Journal, Gwyneth Paltrow took credit for the global popularisation of Yoga. People are not happy.

Her comments in WSJ are actually nauseating.

“Forgive me if this comes out wrong,” Paltrow continues, “but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ And literally I turned to my friend, and I was like, ‘You have this job because I’ve done yoga before.’ ”

To recap, Yoga was invented thousands of years ago, in India, and was popularised a long time ago. All credit is due to the people of India who shared their sacred practice.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s comments erase that history and honestly, make her sound really silly and arrogant.

Elsewhere in the feature, she also appears to take credit for the invention of marketing? She calls it “contextual commerce” but it is described as targeting Goop customers with newsletters, blog posts, print magazines, conferences, events, podcasts and Instagram ads. So…marketing.

“We sort of made it up. It’s the why of why you’re buying something,” says Paltrow. “It’s really about finding things that we love, whether it’s a restaurant down the street here or a face product or whatever, and we write about why we love it, and then it converts really well.”

So there you go, Gwyneth Paltrow is a visionary. Apparently.

Somehow, It’s Impossible To Hate The Theatrical Extravagance Of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Holiday Gift Guide

Gather ye peasants for we have been granted a peek into how the other half/1% lives.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s modern lifestyle brand, Goop, is a consistent source of entertainment. It seems distinctly targeted at very, very rich people who have run out of things to do with their money, and so, need assistance.

Which brings us to the Goop Holiday Gift Guide. There are 12 different gift-guide subcategories full of insanely extravagant gift ideas that range from crystal drinking straws to an actual village.

While this kind of wild flash of wealth should logically enrage a class war, the Goop gift guide gets away with it every year because it seems to be widely accepted as a theatrical source of curiosity and amusement.

Plus it reads like a vision board of dumb sh*t you can dream of affording if you ever get stupid rich.

In all fairness, there are a few charitable gifts sprinkled through the guides, and it’s not all bad. But it’s mostly verging on crazy.

So here are the highlights of this year’s Goop Holiday Gift Guide, which proves there are ways to spend money that I never knew existed.

Kicking off with the aforementioned crystal drinking straw, which is actually pretty baller and at least an environmentally friendly alternative to disposable straws.

But if you’re really looking to impress, why not get that special someone a village in Lugo Spain, “for when it takes a village.” Just US$172,910! Bargain!

Or if a single village seems a bit dull, nothing says Merry Christmas like a global private jet expedition.

Also apparently rich people smoke actual golden rollies. We should have known.

Experience gifts are all the rage, and this ‘Muse For A Day’ ~experience~ let’s you live in the illusion that you are actually special. Wow! Paying someone to find you interesting! A dream come true!

(Legit though I would take this gift in a heartbeat.)

How to send your kid away to boarding school and disguise it as a Christmas present: Goop has you sorted.

I hope one day I am reincarnated and come back as a boujee-ass baby who wears cashmere baby socks. I’ll be praying.

Also a crown. All babies need crowns.

Is breakfast with giraffes actually something I want or have I been brainwashed by the Goop guide: a thesis.

File this one under discreetly kinky Christmas presents. Not safe for work Christmas Kringle.

I’m really just here for the comment on this one:

So that’s just a glimpse of some of the creative ways you can blow away your money when you’re exorbitantly rich. Happy Capitalist Christmas everyone.

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