Bleats

Guillermo Del Toro’s List Of Scripts He’s Written But Never Got Made Might Make Your Brain Explode

Nah, that’s cool, we didn’t want a Justice League: Dark movie or a Hulk pilot written by the Oscar-winning auteur king of genre film.

Acclaimed horror-fantasy filmmaker Guillermo Del Toro – the mind behind Pan’s Labyrinth, The Shape Of Water,  Hellboy and loads more – snapped earlier this morning and tweeted out a list of cool-as-hell projects he’s written scripts for. Like, completed. And never got made.

Let’s break a couple of those down.

The Witches is likely a remake of the Roald Dahl story that made you terrified of Anjelica Houston as a kid.

Justice League Dark is the supernatural offshoot of DC’s evil-fightin’ crew, with characters like John Constantine and Swamp Thing.

Beauty And The Beast, I mean, come on. Instead we got this:

 

At The Mountains Of Madness is an H.P. Lovecraft story, and arguably nobody else could possibly do that eldritch s**t any justice. GDT reportedly had Tom Cruise and James Cameron on board at one point.

Fantastic Voyage – yes, the 60s one where scientists shrink down and explore the human body like it’s space or something. Isaac Asimov wrote the novelisation.

The Count Of Monte Cristo, but a version where he had a totally sweet steampunk mechanical hand.

A “very different” Pacific Rim 2, whatever that means, could have been a sight to see.

Drood is a novel based on a “fictionalised account” of Charles Dickens’ last years.

“SECRET PROJECT (UNTITLED)” will haunt my dreams.

Haunted Mansion: I mean, imagine what fun GDT could have had with the blank slate of a Disney theme park ride adaptation?

And a The Hulk pilot? Are you f**king kidding me?

He also mentions a Wind In The Willows script “which I loved”.

He added a few hours later that there’s still hope for a couple of these:

But that still leave a lot of couldabeens to be a little bit mad about forever.

So yeah, nice work, Hollywood. None of those projects sound like something that would have been amazing in the hands of the man who can turn a story about a mute, mousy woman banging a fish-dude into a Best Picture Oscar winner.

The Silly, Absurdly Long Full Title Of The Birds Of Prey Film Sure Makes It Seem Like It's Going To Be All About Harley Quinn

Birds Of pray tell, why would you do this to yet another lady-led superhero movie?

Margot Robbie’s take on Batman villain Harley Quinn somehow managed to transcend the s**tshow that was Suicide Squad, thanks to a combination of Robbie’s bratty, vulnerable charm and a trailer park babydoll take on the character design that was iconic before the movie even opened.

Now she’s leading a new film starring some of the female (anti-)heroes of the DC universe. Birds Of Prey is a long-running series originally focused on Black Canary (Green Arrow’s pal Dinah Laurel Lance) and Oracle (Barbara Gordon, Batman’s favourite hacker) – except now it’s actually all about Harley Quinn, of course.

Look at this hot mess.

Yes, that’s the real title: Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn).

And… ugh.

“Fantabulous” is the kind of non-word you usually see on your aunt’s Facebook ads for handcrafted fairy-themed Christmas decorations.

And the faux-old-fashioned super-long title is a really tired trope, not to mention a bigger pain in the arse than the Justice League fanboys who petition Rotten Tomatoes to take down negative reviews. We have to type that whole monstrosity out? We’re not even out of the whole Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them 2 The Crimes Of Grindelwald Oh God I Need A Nap Just From Reading The Title news cycle yet.

This movie is almost certainly only getting made because Wonder Woman destroyed at the box office, convincing DC that people will actually go and see movies that don’t star primarily men.

Female-led superhero movies already have a hard enough time at the box office – why saddle this one with a title that’s exhausting just to read?

Don’t get me wrong – the cast rules (Mary Elizabeth “Ramona Flowers” Winstead, Jurnee Smollett, Rosie Perez and Ewan McGregor as the villain, Black Mask) and it could still be absolutely killer. Some of my favourite movies have absolutely rubbish titles. (Shout out to Edge Of Tomorrow.)

This is just the kind of early sign that doesn’t fill us with hope.

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