We live in a random and chaotic universe where even the most basic rules of cause and effect appear to shatter in a cloud of quantum weirdness, where the only sensible response is to howl with terror and hopelessness into the bleak, unceasing void.
And yet every so often something happens which suggests the hand of a higher power – or, more accurately, a playful jerk – determined to mess with the most cherished beliefs of humankind.
The only rational response to everything, all the time.
Maybe it’s a cruel and vengeful god, maybe it’s a master programmer throwing in-jokes into their simulated universe to make their dumbarse friends laugh.
But in any case: how could anyone dare suggest that the news that banks are set to increase the interest rates on their home loans is unconnected with the news that Australia is about to enjoy the availability of freakishly giant avocados?
They couldn’t. That’s how.
Yes, Australians that harbour dreams of ever owning their own home: Macquarie Bank has raised the interest rate on its mortgages – specifically on the interest-only owner-occupiers, which is disproportionately people that bought their own house and are juuuuuuuust squeaking by.
Macquarie are only the latest to do so, according to the New Daily, who point out that AMP, Bank of Queensland, Suncorp, ME Bank, Pepper Group, IMB and Auswide have already upped their rates and the Big Four Banks – ANZ, National Australia, Commonwealth and Westpac – will therefore similarly do so any tick of the clock.
What does that mean? Well, if you’re saving for a loan, things just got a bit harder. If you’ve got a mortgage and you’re living on a financial knife edge, that edge just got sharper.
But of course, as we all know, the only reason that today’s young people can’t afford property is because they simply won’t give up their smashed avocado toast.
Definitely accurate and not a tiresome and played out stereotype!
And thus it’s good that the availability of said avo has just skyrocketed with the news that Australia is now the domain of the Avozilla – giant avocados which can weigh close to two kilograms and, going by the name, are presumably born deep in the oceans off Japan and are the result of nuclear science gone terrifyingly awry.
So there are swings and roundabouts, Australian shelter-likers: your empty dreams of ever owning your own property are galloping off into the unachievable distance, but think of all the avocado toast with which you can drown your sorrows?
Thanks, snide and infuriating universe! Glad to know you have our backs.