Bleats

Why Do You Insist On Having Dessert For Breakfast, You Sugar-Hoofing Heathens?

Sugar is not a food group.

I will be the first person to admit I have a chocolate problem. Not that I think chocolate is a problem, it’s a solution. But if it came down to me choosing Nutella or a bath, I would probably choose Nutella. Hence, a problem. 

I really do. Source: Giphy

I would happily eat chocolate for every single meal bar one: breakfast. I refuse to have chocolate for breakfast because, and this may come as a shock to some, chocolate is not a breakfast food. 

I love Nutella but it doesn’t belong on toast. It belongs smeared over waffles with vanilla ice-cream or on a silver spoon while I eat it from the jar. 

Chocolate croissants, scones and porridge should not be eaten in the morning either. 

Actually, no food with a sugar content as high as your dessert should be eaten before 12pm. This means pancakes those pancakes you went to get because they’re rainbow coloured and have fairy floss on them are out. 

So are those waffles with icing sugar and that french toast that’s covered in maple syrup. I don’t care if it has bacon on it, it should not be eaten as your first meal of the day. 

NO.

Cereals are a tricky one. Technically they’re a breakfast food- they’re designed specifically to have with milk and start your day with an energy kick. 

But cereals have developed over the years from full of fibre to full of cellulite, diabetes and artery clogging badness. 

Oreo’s new cereal has marshmallows in it- marshmallows. When did pillows of pure sugar become an acceptable breakfast food? 

Never. The answer is never. 

Australia just did a re-evaluation of it’s Health Star Rating (HSR) system and, honestly, the findings when it came to cereals are pretty bad. 

The cereals we think are ‘healthy’ like Kellogg’s Nutri Grain and Nestle Milo (I repeat, chocolate is not for breakfast) have a lot more added sugar than they do naturally occurring sugars. Which means they’re more likely to rot your teeth than assist you on your health kick. 

When rated using the new health star algorithm, Nutri Grain, Milo and Uncle Tobys Plus Protein cereals all dropped from a HSR of 4 to 1.5. 

This legitimises my point: the more sugar there is in your breakfast the less good it is for you which means you shouldn’t be eating it. 

I’m not saying ever. I would be a hypocrite if I said that- I love me some sugar. Chocolate problem, remember? 

But it’s about not forming bad habits by excusing sugary foods as breakfast foods- pancakes smothered in syrup and berry compote are a dessert even if the menu tells you otherwise. 

Stop hoovering dessert for breakfast, for goodness sake. 

It’s no fun to eat if for breakfast anyway: why have it a 9am sitting in your dining room when you can go out for a gelato or freshly bakes crêpes after dinner? 

If You're Struggling To Cut Old Friends Loose, Get Inspo From These RL Mate Breakups

Friendship shouldn't be a chore.

Because I’m feeling generous, I’ve got some valuable life advice for you: stop being friends with people because you feel obligated. 

I don’t want to hear your “but”s and I don’t care how much history you have. It’s simple: friendship shouldn’t be a chore. If you find yourself dreading someone’s company, if a person is making you question humanity, if your ‘best mate’ treats you like crap, then you need to cut them out of your life. 

I’m not telling you to drop a friend because it’s too hard to organise time to see each other- that’s silly. Friendship isn’t all sunshine and smooth sailing, it requires a bit of effort. If you’re the only one making the effort, that’s when you drop ‘em. 

It’s a cliché but it’s true: life is too short. Worrying about someone who clearly doesn’t worry about you is a lost cause. 

I’ve had my fair share of lost friendships. Sometimes I still cry- just because I don’t want certain people or negative energies in my life doesn’t mean it still doesn’t suck sometimes. Especially in situations where you’ve lost a friend because they decided to play you for a fool, lie to your face, tell everyone you’re the bad guy and eventually make you choose between your own happiness and their loyalty (true story). 

Basically. Source: Giphy

You win some, you lose some and that’s okay. 

If you don’t believe me maybe these real life stories will help give you the inspiration you need to cut that old friend loose. Or at least make you laugh the anger right out of you. 

You’re welcome in advance. 

“I was friends with two guys all throughout high school (who were also best friends) and ended up dating one of them for over a year. When I realised I didn’t really like being with him, we broke up and it was totally fine until I fell for the other guy and we got together. My ex found out at school camp and they physically fought, fell out and stopped being friends for 4 years and never spoke to each other again.”

“I haven’t spoken to one of my best friends in 2 years because she was showing sociopathic tenancies and said that she gets ‘murderous urges’.”

So not cool. Source: Giphy

“I actually had a friend do this to me at the start of the year…  but it was due to her jealously of my life and her insecurities that she wasn’t good enough to be friends with me. Weird!”

Relatable. This next one, not so much: 

“My old housemate stabbed someone, we’re not friends anymore.”

lol k. Source: Giphy

“Another one is a friend who was always rude to wait staff, like RAHUDE. To the point where I would tip and apologise. If I ever see her, it’s not revolved around food.”

Yep, it takes a special breed of human to be rude to waitstaff. 

“I dumped a friend because I ended up getting a job before her and all she could say was “that’s motivated me to start looking for jobs”. I was really hurt because that (in addition to a lot of other comments she made) made me feel like she thought I didn’t deserve to get the job.”

“A Girl I went to high school with was a compulsive liar. These are just some of the lies she told us: 

  • Warner Bros bought her story to be made into a movie for $1 million dollars. She even made up fake emails and used to print them out and show us. She also said that if she carried her script around Warner Bros would pay her more. So she literally used to come to school with a backpacker bag
  • She got up on stage with Eminem and sang a duet. 
  • She’d go for runs at night with Jesse McCartney.
  • She went to dinner with Johnny Depp.” 
Lies are what, Jack? Source: Giphy

“My friends and I thought it’d be a good idea to bring a bottle of vodka on year 10 camp. The teachers found out, because my ex told them out of spite because we wouldn’t share. These two girls and I were put on a coach at 3am and sent back to Sydney. My friends’ mums both pulled the girls out of school and sent them to separate high schools. I didn’t see either of them until last year when I went back home to the local christmas carols.”

Love getting drunk at 15 (mum if you’re reading this, I’m joking). 

And finally, this doozy: 

“I dropped a mate after her wedding. Right before the wedding, my ex-friends brother attended the bucks in Thailand and discovered that the groom to be was up to no good and carrying on with other women. Needless to say, when the bride to be found out, it really hit the fan. When she was deciding whether or not to leave him and cancel the wedding, I asked her why she loves him and her response was “he buys me things, treats me well and takes me to nice dinners”.  She forgave him and married him and I decided I need a friend with more depth.”

Listen to Michelle. Source: Giphy

Seven Things To Do Instead Of Falling Down A YouTube Black Hole

There's more to life.

Social media is a wonderful thing. It’s the reason we have memes and pics of doggos and Jeffree Star. It’a cess pool of humour and glitter and cynicism and really is a beautiful thing. 

It’s hard to imagine everyday life without it. Falling Down A Youtube black hole is one of my favourite things to pass the time. I can go from makeup tutorial videos to music videos to clips of people blending random household items all in the space of an hour. It’s mindless and cathartic- like modern day meditation. 

Except for the small fact that it does the exact opposite from switching my brain off- it leave me wired and jittery. 

It’s like coffee but not as good. Source: Giphy

There’s more to life than Snapchat filters and Boomerangs. Hard to believe, I know. 

If you’re looking to swap your mobile screen for something easier on the eyes, I’m here to help you out. I present you with seven things to do instead of losing yourself to the interwebs. 

  1. Read that book that’s been sitting on your bedside table for a year. 

It ain’t gonna read itself. 

2. Craft. 

Yes, with a glue gun and rhinestones. There’s nothing that doesn’t look better with some bedazzling. 

Or, if you’re feeling mushy, make cards for your friends. 

Learn from the corgi.

3. Take the damn bins out. 

Your mum called. She also said you should wash your shower screen- “it’s filthy”.

4. Check in with the mates you haven’t talked to in a while. 

Yes, this one technically still involves your phone but it’s for a good cause. Think of the children.

And by children I just mean the adult babies you’ve been neglecting and who have probably wound themselves into a knot thinking you’re mad at them when really you’re just too invested in Jenna Marbles videos to give your real friends the time of day. 

5. Buy a puppy. 

This is me giving you permission. 

6. Start a podcast. 

Isn’t that what all the millennials are doing these days? 

7. Moisturise 

Another thing you’re neglecting. Trust me, your cuticles with thank you for it. While you’re at it you should try flossing (your teeth, not the dance move), booking that doctors appointment and go for a facial too. 

BONUS NUMBER 8. Make a mix tape. 

Playlists are overrated- do it the old fashioned way. Then you can put it in a boom box and recreate this iconic scene which we’ve all been dreaming about: 

*swoon*. Source: Giphy

Alternatively to all of these things, you could just give up and give in to the black hole. The choice is yours.

(See you on the dark side). 

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