Bleats

An Investigation Into Why This Mystery Taco Was Left Inside A Library Book

Mr. Taco, in the library, with a taco.

There isn’t much in life that can’t be made better with tacos. 

Girls night? Tacos. 

Netflix and chill? Tacos. 

Sitting in a dark room, crying, pondering your existence and wondering about your purpose on this planet? All of the tacos. 

Exactly. Source: Giphy

But there is one thing that tacos should not be used for, and that’s a bookmark. Eating tacos while reading is a big yes, but using them to mark your spot in a novel is… questionable. 

Alas, I present you the mystery of the taco left inside a library book: 

It’s something straight out of an Agatha Christie novel. 

People Book nerds online are outraged. 

Me? I have a lot of questions. I’m about to Sherlock Holmes the crap outta this soft shelled bad boy. 

Thanks. Source: Giphy

Let’s start with the facts. 

The book was turned to an Indiana library – AKA the state in which Garfield is set. Yes, as in Garfield the cat who likes to sleep and eat. 

Interesting. Source: Giphy

Fact number two: the taco looks to be a white tortilla wrap filled with beef (?), lettuce, and lots of cheese. Translation: a it’s a pretty sub-par taco. So it definitely was not made by a foodie. Or it was made by a foodie with a serious hangover looking for the most basic meal ever. 

Or maybe the taco was store bought. 

Was the taco made or purchased? Inconclusive. 

It ain’t over yet. Source: Giphy

Fact number three: the book, from what I can tell, is some kind of poetry or play. Judging by the structure of the lines in the middle of the page and the short, stacked sentences, it is not a story book. 

Now that we have the facts, here’s what we don’t know: 

– The title of the book. 

– The exact year and date it was borrowed. 

– If the borrower was an adult or child, male/female/other. 

– Why the taco was forgotten. 

– If the book borrower knew that they misplaced their taco. 

Of the above facts, the title of the book is the most irrelevant in my opinion. We have already concluded it is a poetry book of sorts which is the most important information. Only intellects read poetry and women are naturally the more intellectual race (don’t @ me), so the book must have been borrowed by a woman. 

Women above a certain age are generally mothers or working full time jobs, so don’t have time to indulge in poetry. It’s trashy romance novels or nothing. So I will also assume the book borrower was young. Probably college-aged. The presence of the taco also confirms this – college students love a cheap, carby, cheesy meal. I can also vouch for this. 

Hey look, it’s me. Source: Giphy

The aforementioned hangover is probably why the taco was forgotten. That, or a sudden emergency which caused the taco-loving book borrower to quickly and unexpectedly abandon their meal in the pages of an unsuspecting library book. 

The emergency is unknown but, also, irrelevant. 

If you’re still with me, dear reader, if means you care about this mystery. So, finally, here is my conclusion: 

The taco belonged to a hungover college student in Indiana with a pretty flowery name like Rose or Lily. She was a female, probably studying an arts degree or something equally pretentious which explains her desire to read poetry in her spare time. She also probably has a cat called Garfield and, to this day, is wondering what the hell happened to her taco. 

What can I say, some mysteries haunt us forever. 

Aussies May Be Banned From Calling Feta Cheese 'Feta' Because Europe Is Having An Identity Crisis

(Don’t) Say cheese!

If we went through life thinking of alternative ways to refer to cooking products, our brains would be a lot bigger and our time a lot shorter. 

Things like cheese, oil, spices and ham are all generalised for ease. If someone says “can you get the ham out of the fridge” you generally know exactly what they’re talking about. 

Olive oil is olive oil – for all intents and purposes it does the same thing and tastes the same. 

But, thanks to Europe being a pain in our produce aisle, generalisations may soon be banned. 

The European Union (EU) wants to protect the name of a whole bunch of foods and spirits from being used in the Australian produce industry. 

Just like champagne can only be called champagne if it’s been produced in the Champagne region in France, things like ‘feta’ and ‘mortadella bologna’ can only be used to describe items specific to a region in Europe. The EU argues that the geographical identification of these foods is an important part of their branding and broader cultural significance and, so, must be protected. 

Yes, seriously. Source: Giphy

Trade Minister Simon Birmingham told the ABC that Australia will fight hard to keep the rights to use original product names and not have to resort to alternative terms. 

“We will put up a strong fight in terms of areas of Australian interests,” he said.

“Ultimately what we’re trying to do is get the best possible deal that ensures Australian businesses and farmers can get better access to a market engaging 500 million potential consumers.”

Let’s be real, “crumbly, pasteurised goats milk” just doesn’t sound as catchy (or simple) as “feta”. 

My favourites yellow and chewy and salty. Source: Giphy

The 172 foods and over 200 spirits on the list are apparently “non-negotiables” for the European Union. As well as feta and mortadella, popular foods like balsamic vinegar and scotch beef are also on the list. 

Cheese and deli meets will cop it the hardest if the EU doesn’t loosen up a bit. The list demands that cheeses like Gruyère, Feta, Roquefort, Gorgonzola, Grana Padano, Beaufort, Parmigiano Reggiano, and Blue Stilton and more but be referred to by alternative names. 

Products like Mortadella Bologna and Prosciutto di Parma also made the list.

How will I organise a cheese plater party now? Imagine the group chat: 

“Can you buy the white crumbly Greek cheese that comes in a block? As well as that stringy salty Italian deli meat. Oh and some of that sparkling alcoholic beverage that makes you feel all tingly to go along with it. Thanks.” 

Life is difficult enough with out this ridiculousness. Nothing will ruin cheese platters for me, I tell you, nothing. 

Macaroons And Macarons Are Not The Same Thing And My World Is Completely Changed

I have brain cells, I swear.

This week I came to the small realisation that my entire life has been a lie. 

Why?, you ask. What thing could possibly make me question my entire existence and everything I know to be good and sacred in this world? 

Macaroons, that’s what. 

Gossip Girl didn’t prepare me for this. Source: Giphy

For the last 23 years of my life I have been living under the assumption that the humble macaroon was the same as the macaron (AKA those chewy french biscuits that come in different colours and flavours).  

I thought that macaroon was just the lazy way of saying macaron. You know how it is, the French say something beautiful and we butcher it with our bogan accents

Turns out I was wrong because macaroons and macarons are distinctly different things. 

Maca-rons are the beautiful French melt-in-your-mouth biccies I mentioned. 

Maca-roons are chewy biscuits made of almonds or coconut, often with the gross glace cherry on top. These ones: 

Yum! Source: Getty

The funny thing is, once I was informed of the difference between the two biscuits I had a kind of “ah-ha!” moment. A part of my subconscious knew that the chewy coconut biscuits were called macaroons. But the main, functioning part of my brain had still managed to ignore that nugget of knowledge my whole life and continue to assume that macaroons and macarons were the same. 

Basically, my brain is stupid. 

That, or it’s a conspiracy, because every time I typed ‘macaroon’ into a search engine the colourful French kind kept coming up.

-gif- confused

Me neither, Sharpay. Source: Giphy

I feel it is my responsibility to enlighten you all to this small fact just in case you too are living in ignorant bliss. 

Pay it forward. 

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