Let’s be honest. We’ve all experienced that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re flipping through Instagram stories and see two of your best buds hanging out without you. In 2019’s vocabulary, that feeling is commonly referred to as FOMO AKA the Fear of Missing Out.
In a society which relies heavily on social media and technology as the primary way to find out what’s going on in other people’s life, there’s no doubt that the feeling of FOMO is at an all-time high in 2019. I mean, you can’t log-on to Facebook these days without seeing someone you know doing something that doesn’t involve you. So, why do we experience such feelings of exclusion? Is it because we actually care, or is it because we’re being constantly reminded of the things we’re not a part of?
A 2018 study, published in Motivation and Emotion, analysed the experiences of first-year university students over the course of a week and found that the feeling of FOMO was present for participants throughout the day, but mostly later in the day, and towards the end of the week. I’m guessing this is because everyone is busy crafting those cheeky Friday night plans.
The feeling of FOMO was associated with negative outcomes including fatigue, stress, sleep problems and psychosomatic symptoms. Interestingly, the study also found that FOMO was not predicted by neuroticism or extraversion – meaning it was a feeling experienced by all, regardless of temperament.
In a second study, researchers created a scenario in which participants were faced with two activities: one planned, and one alternate. In the scenario, the planned activity was always chosen but the participant would be “reminded” of the alternate, social activity via a friend or social media notification.
Negative emotions, feelings of distraction and a general sense of FOMO were all experienced. However, the study also found that hearing about the social activity from a friend versus a social notification produced the same amount of FOMO.
So, is social media the only one to blame? Or is The Paradox Of Choice playing a role in our feelings of FOMO? According to psychologist Barry Schwartz, the more choices we have, the less happy we are with what we choose, and the more FOMO we feel – this is the Paradox of Choice. Schwartz says that the people most sensitive to FOMO are “maximisers,” or people who are always trying to get “the best” out of every situation.
According to a paper Schwartz wrote with his colleague Andrew Ward, “as people have contact with items of high quality, they begin to suffer from the “curse of discernment.” The lower quality items that used to be perfectly acceptable are no longer good enough,” leading you to believe you’re missing out on something else.
In his book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, Schwartz explores the concept of just being “good enough.” His theory is that if you aren’t sure if you made the right decision, or went to the least FOMO-inducing party, just settle for “good enough.”
Another way to stop FOMO ruining your life is through a technique I personally swear by: JOMO, or the Joy Of Missing Out. In her New York Times article, Hayley Phelan describes JOMO as “antithesis of FOMO.”
“JOMO is about disconnecting, opting out and being O.K. just where you are,” she writes. It’s a bit like all that mumbo jumbo you hear about mindfulness and staying present, but I believe it’s also about actively enjoying not being included in absolutely everything all the time.
Phelan explains a number of ways you can embrace your inner JOMO, including actually using those ‘Do Not Disturb’ functions on your phone, monitoring your digital diet (or like me, setting a timer on your Instagram). She also suggests keeping people’s expectations of you low and doing things with intention – rather than letting happy moments pass us by.
Being on every guest list, invited to every party, and knowing what’s going on in Game of Thrones can be fun for a hot minute, but there’s also a great deal of comfort in kicking back, cancelling those plans and enjoying missing out on it all for a second. It’s a feeling I think we should all start appreciating more.