Bleats

One Of The Globe’s Fastest Growing Conspiracies Is Also The Dumbest

Bust out the tin foil hats.

Hell yes, it’s tin foil hat time again! Conspiracy theories getting really popular really quickly isn’t a new phenomenon, but the fact that Flat Earthers are still gaining numbers despite being around for a few years now is pretty wild.

The third annual Flat Earth International Conference was held last week in Dallas, Texas. It was set up like any other business conference, but the schedule included fun events like Space is Fake, The War Between Good & Evil, and “Science” or the True Creation – complete with suspicious quotation marks. 

The founder of the Dallas conference, Robbie Davidson, reckons it’s spreading like weeds.

“I’ve never seen anything grow this fast,” he said. “I would say that within 10 years, the numbers are going to be astounding… next year, there’s going to be a conference in every major country in the world.”

He might actually be right. 

In the USA, a recent survey shows that about 1 in 6 Americans aren’t sure the Earth is round, and rising. There haven’t been any similar surveys done here in Australia, so I don’t know exactly how many flat earthers we have – but it probably doesn’t matter seeing as they reckon Australia doesn’t exist anyway. 

Look, I’m always down for a good conspiracy. Cryptids, Men In Black, Louis Tomlinson’s fake  baby, I’m all over it. But sometimes conspiracy theories are just plain dumb. We have more than enough evidence that the earth is round, people. NASA have tons of actual science showing us that it’s round, people have known it’s round for 2000 years, and it’s not changing shape any time soon.

The sooner everybody gives up on the whole flat earth thing and moves on to something less scientifically wrong, the better. But with more and more people joining the flat earth movement for reasons I don’t understand, it might be a lot to ask for. I live in hope though, I want to believe (that humans aren’t that dumb).

We’re Living In A Simulation, And Ghosts Are Here To Prove It

Everything is a lie.

We’ve all had the thought cross our minds at some point that we’re just Sims living our lives by the click of some omnipotent cosmic teenager, and if you haven’t then you have now (sorry). If you’ve written it off as a weird shower thought, then I’m sorry to spike your anxiety here, but simulation theory is a legit thing.

It’s a mind-f of a theory that says we’re all living in a computer simulation, and that reality isn’t actually real. A lot more people have taken an interest in it since Elon Musk brought it up in Joe Rogan’s podcast, at one point saying:

“If you assume any rate of improvement at all, then games will be indistinguishable from reality, or civilization will end. One of those two things will occur. Therefore, we are most likely in a simulation, because we exist.” 

To be fair, it was also the interview that Elon smoked a blunt through, so do what you want with that information.

If you want some proof that’s a little bit more convincing than “we are most likely in a simulation, because we exist,” then enter Dr Curry Guinn. He’s a computer scientist and professor at the University of North Carolina, and has spoken about simulation theory at a film festival. 

One thing that every video game or computer world has is glitches. So what glitches might there be in our computer world? 

“Deja Vu, such as in the Matrix movie when a character sees a cat crossing a doorway repeatedly, may be one glitch,” Guinn said at the festival. “Ghosts, ESP, coincidences may be others. The laws of physics in our universe seem peculiarly designed with a set of constants that make carbon-based life possible. Where are the edges?”

Sorry for the existential crisis you probably didn’t need, but I’m all in on this theory. Ghosts are not only real, but proof that we’re all Sims. Badeesh teekaloo geelfrob, mates.

The Bermuda Triangle Mystery Has Been Solved, Time To Find A New Conspiracy To Froth

I want to believe.

Hell yeah, it’s time to bust out the tin foil hat and dig up your childhood obsession with the Bermuda Triangle! I knew exactly where all the books about ghosts, aliens, and other conspiracies were in my primary school library, and I read them all cover to cover, so the news that the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle has been solved made my morning a lot more interesting. 

I’m assuming this is accurate?

To backtrack for those of you who weren’t a bit weird in primary school like I was, the Bermuda Triangle is a patch of ocean just off the south-east coast of the USA that planes and ships allegedly disappear in all the time, either never to be seen again or to appear later on stunned with no recollection of what happened. 

There are tons of theories about what is supposedly taking these ships and planes. There’s the methane gas theory, saying that gas bubbles up from the ocean floor and explodes. Or the theory that there’s a wormhole shooting everything tin the Bermuda Triangle to another point in space and time. Then there’s aliens. That’s it, that’s the whole theory. Aliens.

My explanation for most things

So back to solving the mystery. Well, sadly it seems like there may never have been a mystery to begin with. Dr Karl Kruszelnicki has done some math and realised that we don’t actually have anything to be worried about.

“According to Lloyds of London and the US coast guard, the number of planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis,” he said.

Damn you, logic and reason. I wanted paranormal nonsense!

“It is close to the equator, near a wealthy part of the world, America, therefore you have a lot of traffic.”

Sadly for us alien enthusiasts, it makes perfect sense. More traffic through an area like the Bermuda Triangle means more disappearances and accidents. This particular case may be solved, but at least I still have things like Area 51 and Louis Tomlinson’s fake baby.

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