It all started one fateful Wednesday afternoon when the battery on my headphones died while I was at the gym. I was on the spin bike in a secluded corner trying to get into ‘the zone’ without the help of some tunes (read: ‘Power’ by Kanye West) to block out the world.
I was struggling. Dying, actually. The spin bike is not a kind machine. And because the burn in my quads and sweat in my eyes wasn’t enough, the universe decided to send another curse my way: grunting. Specifically, two fully grown men working out in the same area as me who grunted loudly and obnoxiously every time they did a sit up.
These guys were clearly fit, strong, and knew what they were doing. And yet every second crunch started in a sexual noise and ended in a swear word. They weren’t training heavy, they weren’t training intensely, they weren’t rookies – I couldn’t understand why they felt the need to grunt like pigs even a little bit.
They did it for about 20 minutes and I got angrier with every noise they made.
HERE I AM DYING IN THE CORNER NOT MAKING A SOUND AND YOU HAVEN’T SHUT UP.
To reassure myself that it’s not just me – that I haven’t just gotten impatient and irritable in my 23 years – I put a call out and asked others what their most hated gym behaviour is.
The people did not hold back – I had one guy thank me for giving him the opportunity to vent about it.
Some of these are doozies:
“OMG we legit had a phantom shower shitter at my old gym in the city… it was a super fancy gym and there was one person who randomly would poo in the really nice showers on occasion… they eventually had to put a staff member down there permanently at key periods to try and catch/ deter them… people are f*cked.”
“Grunters, both guys and girls who think making sexual noise will get them to that rep.”
“People who follow you from machine to machine, making you feel like you need to work out faster.”
“I’ve nicknamed my gym NEMESIS “Two Mat Sally” because in the crowded stretching area – as the name suggests – she uses TWO mats as well as using other equipment around those mats AND tries to encroach on other people’s areas. Oh and she also weights drops and blocks off access to equipment. Here’s to you, ‘Two Mat Sally’.”
“That manky smell of active wear that’s not properly dried (yuck…).”
“People who drop their weights heavily on the ground or go wild with a skipping rope right near you while you’re lying on the floor exercising on a gym mat. Not even headphones block out the vibrations and noises that leave you on edge the whole time wondering if this is the time you lose an eye or get your head crushed.”
“Obviously the people who sweat profusely yet REFUSE to bring a towel. A guy at my gym who annoys me, has sweat pouring off him, yet does the whole class with ONE PAPER TOWEL. And then we were in a circuit and I was always one station behind him. I thought I was going to be sick, everything was wet.”
“There is this girl in a lot of my classes that is addicted to reading e-books on her phone. She reads while working out. During breaks, during the warm up. Yet still works out. It is impressive and highly annoying.”
“Blowing their nose in the boxing gloves whilst your are the pad holder. That’s got to come flying out somewhere.”
“People who rotate between 3 machines at the one time and when you jump on they tell you they are on it despite it being free for 5 minutes.”
“Guys who try to hit on you when you clearly have your headphones in and don’t want to talk to anyone. Especially Gym managers and trainers – who see you there all the time. I’ve had one get my number out of the system and ask me to go for a drink with him.”
“I’m currently at the gym now:
“There is a guy walking around with his EarPods in, talking in the phone, loudly, about his monetary assets. This is a regular occurrence.
“There is a guy with thongs on… working out. Also a regular occurrence.
“There is a guy with as many plates he can fit on the leg press machine, hardly able to do one rep because it’s so heavy.”
In the spirit of solidarity, friends, stay petty in the gym. And the next time someone is grunting like an idiot just do what I do: slide up next to them, pick up a slightly heavier weight and do the same exercise without a sound. Works a charm.