The campaign trail for the upcoming federal election is underway and we’ve had a couple of doozy moments already (which we’ll go into a bit later on). But the latest “is this serious?’ thing to happen has come courtesy of renowned egg-lover Fraser Anning.
Thanks to the folks over at The Australian, it turns out Anning’s campaign has been giving out an instruction manual to prospective candidates for his Conservative National Party on how to avoid tough, collar-tugging questions from the media. To sum up Anning’s strategy: go on on the offence 110% of the time and challenge everything.
Get asked whether you beat your wife? Ha, never beat my wife in the first place. Next! Someone asks why you said that racist thing that one time? Never said it, boom. Move on.
The manual also points out that prospective candidates must also be all in on Anning’s nationalist and pro-guns agenda before even entering the final round of consideration for his election ticket. Don’t worry about the quality of potential candidates though as the manual makes it clear that those with a suspicious past will be dropped.
Whew, what a relief!
Since we’ve officially entered the “instruction manuals are being handed out to prospective political candidates” phase of the election campaign, the GOAT team has decided to put together our own idiot’s guide on how to be a politician in Australia, tentatively titled “How To Avoid Trouble This Federal Election (Or Any Election).”
Look, we’re not saying this will help you win the election or anything but it definitely won’t hurt your chances. So without further ado, here’s our guide on what to do and what not to do as a potential candidate for any political party.
Don’t go around munching on raw onions
We didn’t think we’d have to repeat this after Tony Abbott chomped down on a raw onion back in 2015 and immediately inspired a whole host of jokes and memes, but for some reason Resources Minister Matt Canavan decided to take a leaf out of ol’ Tones’ book by eating an onion.
Look, feel free to go around biting into all the raw onions and vegetables you want in your own house, but don’t be doing it on the campaign trail.
You’re going to be meeting people and having your breath and hands smell of onion all day isn’t exactly the best selling point to potential voters. And besides it’s just weird.
Maybe @TonyAbbottMHR is on to something here… @onionsaust, what do you reckon? pic.twitter.com/5Q3PUHjwh8
— Matthew Canavan (@mattjcan) April 13, 2019
Don’t go around speaking foreign languages if you haven’t done your homework.
Australia is a very multi-cultural country so it makes sense on paper for politicians to say things in different languages in an attempt to appeal to a wider voting demographic.
It certainly isn’t the worst move in the politician’s handbook, but for the love of Jebus please do some homework before even attempting another language.
Otherwise you’ll end up red-faced like Scott Morrison, who said “ni hao” to a Korean-Australian woman. While in Strathfield. In plain view of everyone.
.@ScottMorrisonMP has had his first street walk of his campaign in the inner west Sydney suburb of Strathfield, greeting locals and visiting a restaurant.@annelisenews: There was a bit of confusion about what kind of restaurant he was in.
MORE: https://t.co/ykweMevBOK #auspol pic.twitter.com/BZcxWBTVuz
— Sky News Australia (@SkyNewsAust) April 13, 2019
Stop trying to make guns happen
Ever since Australia introduced reformed gun laws back in the 90s, we’ve had a pretty good track record when it comes to gun-related crimes. And yet there are some people who insist on getting rid of those reformed gun laws due to… reasons of some kind.
Here’s the blunt answer to those thinking about running a pro-guns agenda: don’t because it won’t work, no matter how much money the NRA gives you.
You’re going to make people scared about their safety and you’re going to turn voters off. Just look at One Nation and Pauline Hanson. After Al Jazeera released that bombshell documentary on One Nation selling out Australia to US gun lobby interests, the party and Pauline have absolutely plummeted in the polls.
In short: guns equals bad.
Fetch in this case is guns.
Don’t attack disabled people
You’d think this is common sense to most people but we live in Australia and politics in this country seems to find new lows every week.
Case in point: Home Affairs minister Peter Dutton attacking the Labor candidate for his seat of Dickson in Brisbane, Ali France, for using her disability (she has a prosthetic leg) as an excuse to not live in the electorate boundaries.
Politicians, don’t do this because it’s just unsavoury on so many levels. God, it feels like we’re scolding children for stealing cookies before dinner.
Don’t be racist or anti-“people who aren’t white” either
We’re a country of tolerance and open arms, meaning that racism and bigotry definitely doesn’t belong here. But unfortunately, we have a few people in parliament who seem to revel in this sort of abhorrent behaviour *cough* Fraser Anning *cough*.
After stooping to a new low back in 2018 for making an actual Nazi-quoting anti-immigration speech in the senate, Anning dug himself into a deeper hole by blaming the Christchurch shootings on Muslims.
You may think this sort of behaviour will appeal to people – and it sadly will – but that well is not as deep as you think and the most you’ll get out of it is worldwide condemnation and an egg on your noggin.
Fighting racism, one egg at a time.