The 45th Parliament of Australia is set to be dissolved at any moment when Scott Morrison decides to pull the trigger and call an election.
And that trigger is not on a starter’s gun so much as a high-powered rifle out behind the shearing sheds, because if ever there was a parliament that needed to be put out of its misery, it’s this one.
For those who aren’t across the exact details, the current parliament first sat in August 2016 after that year’s double dissolution election at which a furious Malcolm Turnbull gave a resentful and bitter victory speech ahead of barely winning a one seat majority in what turned out to be his happiest moment in the subsequent term.
“I GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT THIS HONOUR AND WILL NOW SPEND THE NEXT EIGHT MINUTES COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I SHOULD HAVE WON MORE.”
And there were so many highlights!
Dead fish in the Darling! Pauline Hanson in a burqa! The ongoing fustercluck of dismissals under section 44 of the Constitution which led to a bunch of expensive by-elections and disgruntled ex-party members being plonked, unelected, into the senate (including the odious Fraser Anning, poisonously enough)!
Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young suing Liberal Democrat David Leyonhjelm for defamation! Labor’s Emma Husar suing the media for defamation! The re-opening and re-staffing and re-closing of the Christmas Island detention centre!
Scott Morrison using a ribald Fatman Scoop jam in the first of many social media gaffes! Peter Dutton’s weird fascination with au pairs! Andrew Broad’s sugar baby! The egging of Anning!
Honestly, it’s so hard to pick favourites.
But let’s count down five reasons why the 45th Parliament reached new heights of cookeditude, starting with…
5. Coal Can’t Hurt You
The sight of then-treasurer Scott Morrison waving a lump of coal around in parliament and bellowing “This is coal! Don’t be afraid! Don’t be scared!” in February 2017 was amazing, not least because every single person on the planet went “oh wow, that’s going to come back and bite him on the face.”
Expect to see it used in a bunch of election campaigns by non-LNP parties that care about climate change.
Remember Morrison's bizarre black-rock moment? Well, look who's scared of coal now. My column for the weekend https://t.co/aL4ernwMal #auspol
— Katharine Murphy (@murpharoo) March 15, 2019
4. The Removal Of Malcolm Turnbull As PM For… Um, Some Reason?
In August 2018 the Coalition were starting to very, very slowly close the polling gap between themselves and Labor and then abruptly decided that was the perfect moment to rip itself apart.
For reasons that have never been adequately explained but can be summed up as “Turnbull wasn’t conservative enough” there was a leadership challenge by Home Affairs minister Peter Dutton, which went wrong almost immediately.
When the dust settled Turnbull was gone, the candidate that was most popular with voters – Julie Bishop – was on the backbench and set to leave politics altogether, Dutton was shown to not know how to count, and Scott Morrison was inexplicably PM.
Not only did the government’s popularity immediately drop, the by election necessitated by Turnbull’s resignation from parliament saw the government lose one of their safest seats and go into minority government. Great result all round, team!
Re-enactment
3. Barnaby Joyce: Dear God, Barnaby Joyce
The oft-red faced then-Nationals leader earned the sobriquet “The Beetrooter” thanks to revelations that he’d been having an affair with his media advisor – an affair which led to a son, the loss of the leadership, and a feud between Joyce and current leader Michael McCormack which could yet tear the National Party apart.
It came after accusations of inappropriate behaviour with women and his dismissal from parliament in the ongoing dual citizenship crises, but before his management of the Murray Darling basin as Water Minister was linked to mass fish die offs and dodgy deals with irrigators at the expense of the environment (and South Australia).
But for most Australians he’ll be remembered for his $150k interview on Sunday Night where he and Vicki Campion shared their love story and showed the undeniable chemistry underpinning their union. Dignity, thy name is Joyce.
Mmmmmm, true love.
2. It’s OK To Be White
That Pauline Hanson moved a motion in the senate which was also a white supremacist slogan was perhaps not the biggest surprise, but seeing the Coalition senators obediently line up in support of it certainly was.
The motion was defeated when Labor, the Greens and the less-race-obsessed members of the crossbench voted it down, but then the government demanded a do-over to vote against it because, supposedly, there had been an “administrative error” where the Liberal and National parties thought it was an anti-racist motion, for some reason. Despite, you know, what the motion said and the history of the person moving it.
What was even more astonishing was the way that former One Nation senator Fraser Anning decided “nah, bet I could do better”.
Re-enactment.
1. Marriage Equality and… um, Crocodiles
We have to be honest with ourselves: the passage of marriage equality was a wonderful moment for the country but was preceded by the unnecessary, expensive, divisive and hurtful non-binding postal opinion survey not-actually-a-plebiscite which gave every homophobe and bigot a platform to tell thousands of Australians that they were somehow less than complete citizens.
It did, however, give us the moment when independent and staunch no voter MP Bob Katter explained that marriage rights was not a pressing issue because “every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in north Queensland.”
Will the 46th parliament have anything close to this level of magic? Time will tell.
And also please, let’s hope not.