By virtue of being a must-see TV show of the 90s, Friends had power to bring attention and understanding to the realities it chose to represent. While the show lacks a progressive, feminist agenda, it does explore motherhood in a way that is surprisingly modern.
The traditional family model still dominated the majority of sitcoms at the time, but Friends intentionally showcases a range of ways that people can experience motherhood. We see Susan and Carol parenting as lesbian partners, Phoebe being the surrogate mother for her brother’s triplets, Rachel accidentally falling pregnant and becoming a single mother, and Monica, faced with infertility, adopting from birth mother Erica.
Friends put a lot of mums on screen to make the audience consider the different realities of each of their unique situations. From broken condoms, to breast feeding, to baby sitters, and careers, everything is brought to life in a way that’s both entertaining and informative. Seeing as these are challenges that are so often unknown to or misunderstood by spouses, bosses, coworkers and the list goes on, showing that to such a broad audience is a big deal.
When you look back, Friends used comedy to explore the trials and tribulations of being a stigmatised mother all the way through, starting with Carol and Susan.
#1 Gay Parenting
Friends kicks off its devotion to unconventional motherhood in episode two, when Ross discovers his ex-wife Carol is pregnant with his child and plans to raise it with her lesbian partner, Susan.
“The Friends writers support the right of lesbians to be mothers, immediately casting Ross as a patriarchal Neanderthal if he tries to oppose his ex-wife’s decision.” writes Eleanor Nickel in her article on the comedic exploration of motherhood in Friends.
That angle is consistent throughout the series, seen memorably when Ross tries to convince his son Ben to relinquish a Barbie in favour of a more traditionally masculine toy. Carol and Susan’s ability as mothers is never the butt of the joke, and they are always presented as natural mothers.
That’s a powerful statement to make when a large chunk of the show’s target audience would have (and likely still is) prejudice against gay parenting.
#2 Surrogacy
In season four, Phoebe agrees to become a surrogate mother for her half-brother Frank Jr. and sister-in-law Alice – a significantly older woman who isn’t able to conceive herself. Given the public debates of the time about exploitation of birth mothers, selling babies, and the stigma around ’unnatural’ conception, it was a bold move.
While the writers touch on the risk and emotional investment involved in the cost of vitro fertilisation, the plot line focuses on the emotional highs and lows Phoebe experiences, making audiences consider the situation from the surrogates point of view.
Phoebe’s pregnancy does not by any means perfectly showcase the complex and diverse reality of surrogacy, but it does take a stance for it as a valid reproductive option.
#3 Single Mother
The revelation that Rachel is pregnant is first signified through the fear on her face. In the season seven finale, at the altar of Chandler and Monica’s wedding, it suddenly becomes clear that it’s not Monica but Rachel who is pregnant, and she’s scared as hell about what it would mean to do this “all alone”.
Rachel is told by her mother, “you can’t possibly do this alone”, and that sentiment is echoed by her father, Ross, Joey, and various other characters offering advice about her unplanned pregnancy.
Proportionally it’s extremely common for children to be born to unmarried mothers, and Friends explored the stigma that single mothers experience through Rachel.
Throughout her pregnancy in season eight, the show makes clear that in spite of fears, single motherhood is a possible and commendable decision. The writers mock people like Ross, Dr. Green and Joey, who suggest that the only solution is that a pregnant woman needs to be married.
Although Rachel is having Ross’s baby, and there is an underlying sense that the two will inevitably end up together as the show’s core couple, Friends holds space for Rachel to persevere with a more unconventional parenting set up.
Rachel finds the support she needs to raise Emma not through the traditional marriage structure, but through her network of friends, family and coparent who help her. There is never a question of Rachel giving up her career as a fashion executive and she manages to fight the post-maternity-leave stigma to continue her path of success.
The show makes the point that being married is neither necessary practically or morally in order to be a mother. Anyone who suggests otherwise is framed as ridiculous and laughable.
#4 Infertility and Adoption
Monica is always longing for motherhood, and she is always being criticised by her own parents for being childless and unmarried.
She breaks up with Richard Burke because he doesn’t want children, and she longs for the traditional family structure. The cruel irony is that when she finally tries to have a baby with her now-husband Chandler, she can’t conceive. Monica’s uterus is an ‘inhospitable environment’.
The adoption is one of the heavier plot line that Friends tackles, depicting the arduous and emotionally charged process for what it is. It ends up being much more about Monica’s experience than Erica’s, as Erica appears conveniently detached and air-headed about the whole birthing process.
But even accounting for flaws, exploring the adoption process was a modern choice for the show to make. Along with the other various shapes and sizes of motherhood that the characters take on, Friends actually deserves to be appreciated for its effort in representing motherhood on screen.