Since the dawn of time men have felt the urge to piss against something, and in 2019 that’s no different. It can be done alone, but often it’s done in packs, like at half-time in a crowded pub or stadium full of drunken blokes desperate to clear their body of that seventh $12 mid-strength schooner.
It’s these blokes that I speak to.
Before I go on I would like to apologise to the female readers. This may seem like a very male skewed article (and honestly, it is), but you may get a rare insight into the goings-on of a Gentleman’s bathroom, and come to find that there is more to it than just measuring our bits (may or may not actually happen, it usually depends on the bar).
Though you won’t find any official law in the Australian constitution relating to how to properly urinate amongst peers (which is ironic considering our politics these days is pretty much a pissing contest), there is an unwritten code that blokes must adhere to. When State of Origin is in full swing, pubs and stadiums can expect to be full of guys full of various liquids, with kidneys and livers working harder than Clive Palmer’s marketing advisor (pre-election, they’re portably out of a job now). It’s important these guys understand how to act up against the trough.
Let’s presume this bathroom has five urinals. If you are the only guy in the bathroom you go to the furthest urinal from the door. No exceptions. This farthest one is the poor porcelain powerhouse that cops the biggest beating.
The second bloke in MUST therefore go the one closest to the door, leaving the largest gap possible between the two strangers, because let’s be honest, if you don’t it’s just weird, right?
If a third guy enters, his only choice is the direct middle, leaving a clear space so there can be no accusation of sneaky peaks, which is a SIN AMONGST MEN.
You may think that a fourth bloke to enter has the choice of the remaining two? Wrong. Correct procedure in this case to take a cubical instead to avoid any unwanted awkwardness. Only after the fourth bloke, can the other spaces start being filled, but as long as this correct order is maintained the system works!
Oh and on chatting with random strangers, unless it’s about the game:
